Ep. 111 💫 Crystal’s Butterfly Effect: A Mother’s Journey Through Loss, Healing & Spiritual Awakening (Part 2)

In Part 2 of this two-part series, I sit down with Vickie Menendez, transformational guide and author of Crystal’s Butterfly Effect. As a bereaved mom of four children, Vickie shares her extraordinary journey of finding meaning and purpose after unimaginable loss. An inspiring story to uplift everyone's soul! 🕊️

In this episode, we discuss drug addiction, suicide loss, self-care, self-love in healing, Afterlife and signs from our loved ones, the art of Kintsugi as a powerful metaphor for loving our broken heart, regulation of the nervous system, spiritual awareness, soul contracts and grief support. 💖

✨ Conversation Highlights:
Wesley’s Contract, Drug Addiction and Losing Jesse in 2023: An open discussion on the cultural and emotional stigma surrounding suicide and addiction.
Suicide Loss, Stigma and Signs from Afterlife: Vonne speaks of losing her daughter to suicide in 2005 and how profound grief deepened her experiences of Afterlife communication with her daughter.
Multiple Timelines and Soul Contracts: Together, Vonne and Vickie explore how our souls may live out multiple timelines and lessons simultaneously, expanding how we understand healing and connection across lifetimes.
The Power of Self-Care & Self-Love: They discuss how reconnecting with love and joy strengthens the bond with loved ones in spirit and transforms pain into peace.
Kintsugi & Healing: Vickie explains the Japanese art of Kintsugi as a powerful metaphor for honouring one’s life history and loving our broken pieces.
Regulating the Nervous System: Vickie demonstrates how breath work can help calm the nervous system.
Vickie’s Contract With Her Children: Vickie reflects on her spiritual insights and how each of her children’s transitions revealed her larger soul contract.
Resources & Support: Vickie shares information about her healing retreats, The Chrysalis Journey, and her coaching services to help others.

Healing is a lifelong journey anchored to love, acceptance, and self-respect. By embracing our vulnerability, and through courage, awareness and acceptance for all we have experienced, we can trust that even in heartbreak, there is sacred beauty to be found and a meaningful life, waiting for us to embrace.

#GriefHealing #BreathworkForHealing #AfterlifeConnection #ConsciousLiving #GriefTalkPodcast #KintsugiHealing #DrugAddictionLoss #BereavedParents

Vickie's book and resources:
https://vickiemenendez.com/

Vonne's books and resources:
https://vonnesolis.com/

Subscribe to the podcast! Share your favourite episodes! Connect with Vonne on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome.
• 0:35 Wesley's Contract, Drug Addiction, Suicide Loss, Signs from Afterlife.
• 12:21 Jesse’s passing, Grief & Healing.
• 19:39 Vickie’s Contract with her Children.
• 22:43 Self-Love and Kintsugi.
• 34:45 Self-Care and Regulating Your Emotions Through Breath Work.
• 46:59 Vickie’s Resources and Grief Support.
• 49:37 Vonne’s Mediumship (everyone can be a medium).
• 51:26 Closing.

Transcript

Vonne Solis  0:00  
This is the Grief Talk Podcast with Vonne Solis, helping you heal after loss and life's hardest hits.

Vonne Solis  0:06  
Welcome to Part Two of my conversation with Vickie Menendez. In this episode, we talk Vickie's son, Wesley's contract, drug addiction, the loss of Vonne's daughter to suicide, Vickie's continuing healing journey after the loss of her fourth child, her son, Jesse, just 12 days after Crystal's passing in February 2023, and the resources Vickie offers as a transformational guide and author of Crystal's Butterfly Effect.

Vonne Solis  0:35  
We're going to turn to Jesse and and then we're going to turn to self-love. But I have to say this, as you were talking right now, and as I've experienced for 20 years, my daughter started coming to me within hours of her passing. Hours. And that has never stopped. And as I mentioned earlier, she now has the ability, or let me put it this way, her ability to leave things in the physical for me? I am open to receiving them. We have to be open to this stuff. But for many, many years, it was on the astral level and dreaming. And this, they only come as as, just like you said. It's, it's an absolute purity that we we really can only experience with them. I can't experience with another human being. I can't experience it. Only with her. And, my like nobody else that's passed away comes to me like she does. So she doesn't come to me that way so much.

Vonne Solis  1:35  
And so moving this into this transition of understanding that we can live multiple timelines at a time in one incarnation. So we bring bits of what you were talking earlier. There's the DNA that never leaves us, of our children and our relationships. So in other if you look at other incarnations where you've had something to work out, and you're maybe finessing it or completing it in this life, because you've got the awareness to do that. That's what's happening with me. So two other I'm living two other lifetimes at the same time that we were in in this one together, where there was death. Death of her and me, the parent, and really trying to get the spiritual perfection of what I know this life can be, despite the loss and tragedy that many people get stuck in. And I know Vickie, that's where you're going with your life, too, based on what I read in your book.

Vonne Solis  2:37  
So here's the thing. When you were talking about this, and it struck me that that love that we see them as, but that's what we are too! And most people are missing that. They don't even have an nth of it. And I'm, by the way, I will just say, the struggle to love yourself. I don't believe there can be any harsher way to do this than through tragic loss, and usually in our world, anywhere or Western world, and maybe all around the world, I don't know. I don't know how they feel in other cultures about losing a child, but certainly in our culture, this is the worst thing people can imagine happening to them. Would you agree with that? I've heard it over and over and over and over for 20 years. So imagine taking that and going, wow. So my moment with you was, wow. I'm really supposed to feel and respect myself as that same love. Sitting here! No matter how bad I think I've been or this and that, do you want to speak to that? Do you? Do you feel that way?

Vickie Menendez  3:47  
Yeah. And now, when we lose someone and we're deep in grief, if we are reflections of what we project here in those lower level emotions, then that's what's going to be reflecting us. So it's going to be

Vonne Solis  4:05  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  4:05  
hard for us to feel that connection to them.

Vonne Solis  4:09  
 Agreed.

Vickie Menendez  4:10  
So if we can work our way back up to love and joy again, then we can feel them more. And, a a big secret is inviting them in. They're just saying, Hey, I'm here. Invite me in.

Vonne Solis  4:31  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  4:31  
One of the rules is that you have to allow them to come into your space. They're just waiting to come in and be a part of your life. But you have to say, I want you here. You know, please come visit me. You know, however you want to put it, but you have to invite them in and and sometimes we feel like it's not possible.

Vonne Solis  4:56  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  4:58  
That pain of those times and so they're staying there like this.

Vonne Solis  5:02  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  5:03  
There's you know way down here, and they're up here, just saying I'm here. I'm here, you know.

Vonne Solis  5:08  
I agree.

Vickie Menendez  5:09  
But there's no way in.

Vonne Solis  5:09  
It's really interesting then. And it can take the more that you get to experience your child as infin, infinity. I just love, like love and infinite, you know, as that energy. We can still, no matter how many times and how many years these amazing experiences have happened, I can still like what? She just did it the other day, when we took our son to the airport, pulled the keys out of the ignition. You know, put the car in park, pull the keys out of the ignition. And guess what? That ignition dinged and dinged and dinged and dinged as if we had left them in the car. And I was like, freaking out, what's wrong with the car? What's wrong with the car? And there's my son. I'm trying to say goodbye to him, and pre-occupied with the dinging. And so I feel I missed a moment saying goodbye to my son, because he's just kind of like, See ya. I mean, I gave him a hug and stuff, but I get in the car and and then it wasn't till maybe a few hours later I realize - that might have been Janaya saying goodbye. It's like that. And 20 years, and yet I still get sort of fooled by it. And so do you? Do you have? Do you experience any of your I know you've seen them in symbolically. Have you had experiences from one or more of your children in Afterlife that are so present in your physical space that you just can go, oh, it's them. Or do you still doubt some of these visits from them?

Vickie Menendez  6:53  
I think mine are more visual, but there are times when I feel like I was I wrote this article about Wesley and his art, because I really feel like that people need to see his art. And and so I was reading through this article, and it was emotional, and I felt Wesley come in and then just say, Mom, this is part of our contract. This message is supposed to not only speak to the parents of addicts, but to be a warning to the addicts themselves that they still have time.

Vonne Solis  7:34  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  7:34  
To get to the other side of this, this addiction, and to be an inspiration to other addicts that, yes, you can do this. You can get on the other side of it. For him, like he could be standing on stage saying, I almost died of an overdose. But he didn't. But for me, I can say my son died of an overdose. I think that's a much more profound message to an addict sitting there, because I'm not, you know, I'm it's not my son. He's standing up there saying, I almost died. It's me saying my son did die. So that warning is maybe a little bit more profound for the addict relaying my story about how he had (...) laid out. He had plans that day. He didn't plan on overdosing. And no addict does. No addict, you know, goes to shoot up or do whatever they're doing thinking that they're going to overdose that day.

Vonne Solis  8:40  
Is there a stigma in the drug-addicted world and losing your child to drug addiction like there is in suicide?

Vickie Menendez  8:50  
Um, well, I know his wasn't suicide.

Vonne Solis  8:54  
No, but I just meant the stigma. We have stigma in suicide. So we don't jump, you know, we don't, you know, like, how do I want to say this? Well, I'm, I'm, I was very vocal from twenty years ago about saying my daughter died from, you know, by suicide. But today, twenty years later, while there's a little bit more, kind of, like, acceptance of it, it's kind of still, still like, oh. You know, we, we're not proud of it, really. It can, there can be some shame, and there's can be some shame attached to it still. Do you feel like when you lose a child to drug addiction there's any shame attached to it, or it's seen readily, it's seen and accepted as maybe other things that you don't agree with, like, say, mental health issues or stuff like that. I'm just wondering if there's any stigma attached to it for you as a bereaved mom?

Vickie Menendez  9:47  
Um, well, I mean, I think some people judge the situation, especially if it's somebody that, oh, well, that's, you know, that all he's about is, you know they didn't see past the addiction.

Vonne Solis  10:00  
Exactly, yeah, yeah.

Vickie Menendez  10:02  
Like, although you know, some people might say good riddance to an addict that couldn't get on the other side of it, you know, what kind of like, where they have need, you know, that kind of thing. But he was like, he was so brilliant, and he didn't even know just what he had to offer the world. You know, and it's...

Vonne Solis  10:26  
How old was he when he passed?

Vickie Menendez  10:28  
He was 33.

Vonne Solis  10:29  
33. Yeah, yeah, I know. I just, I'm just pausing a moment here, because an example about the stigma would be, we didn't do an obituary in the newspaper - because what was I going to say? And, you will almost never, for years and years and years, I read obituaries, okay? And I would skim through and see if it was a younger person, and never, ever, ever, would you hear the truth that someone had passed from a suicide. It would just be a sudden passing or something. So anyway, we're getting better. And part of the work I do, it's not all of the work, but part of the work I do is awareness. And so as as that to you, I just wanted to for anyone, again, the viewer or listener, to just think about this that you know, drug drug addiction. A drug overdose, a suicide, does not necessarily mean our kids were mentally ill or this or that, and just no judgement, please people. No judgement if it hasn't happened to you and you're not walking in our shoes. I really respect our children, I believe for leaving on their terms. So as part of a spiritual practice Vickie, I believe that they contracted to come here and do exactly, exactly what they did. And there are two specific times my daughter could have died much younger than she did. But I swear she didn't, and one time, I swear the angels lifted her from getting hit by a car when she was, like, nine years old. Because I wouldn't it wasn't time for me to learn the lessons from that death. I would have missed out on it.

Vickie Menendez  12:17  
She probably was supposed to go out a different way, you know.

Vonne Solis  12:21  
That, but she she went, she went at 22 you know? Just so there can be different exit points and things. But the point I'm making not to get into that is just that I really respect how our children go without judgement. They have gone. Period. And that for me has been a huge part of my healing and acceptance of the experience, because I think part of the healing, and we're going to get to that now, is accepting the experience. I do just want you to speak about Jesse a little bit, because, as if Crystal wasn't enough, then Jesse. You write about self-love is the transformative force that could heal not only our wounds, but also the wounds of the world. And so to have that segue for you, kind of what happened in your journey after the loss of then Jesse, 12 days after Crystal. Because this is really the lady who's sitting in front of all of us today. This is you today, and what for others will be absolutely unimaginable tragedy, and here you are standing up to it, Vickie. Owning it, and teaching and helping others and supporting others and looking beautiful doing it. Like, come on!

Vickie Menendez  13:47  
Well, I feel like it when, when I help someone else, feel better, you know, just a little bit better than they did the day before? It heals a little part of my heart, you know, because it's like, you we were talking earlier. you know, there isn't a destination healed. We spend a lifetime...

Vonne Solis  14:08  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  14:08  
like healing layer after layer after layer, and sometimes it can be from this lifetime. You know things that are generally generationally imprinted or that you bring in from previous lifetimes, and there's just all kinds of stuff that we're working through. And as our awareness raises, I think our soul gives us that next layer. You know, and that's why earlier I was saying, I was talking about when sometimes we go, like we take a step back. I want to tell people that that is a part of the healing journey is that you're some days you feel like your wings are out. You're creative, happy, you can take on the world. And then the next minute, hour, day, week, you can be back in the cocoon again. You know, and their one reason, and wondering, oh, how did this happen? You know what how I am back here again? And I think that it is our soul saying, Okay, you can handle this, and they'll give you just what you can handle at the moment. And can we meet it that way? Can we say, oh, okay, I know what this is. So this is giving me an opportunity to heal something to make more space in my body for the good stuff. For the love, joy, all of that stuff. If we're if we're like taking care of something that's been launched in our body for years, then we should be happy that we're in a place where we understand what's going on. And if you say, Okay, I know how to do this. You know, I know how to meet up with my emotions, you know. I know how to process them. So it becomes easier and easier and easier, as you do the work. It doesn't have to be hard. And a lot of people go into like the healing journey, thinking that they're going to be upset and you know, crying, and all of that stuff all the time. But I don't find it's like that anymore. You know, I find that it can be graceful. It can be just knowing that once you get to the other side of, like, working out that next layer of how light you're going to feel. How much more joy you're feeling in your heart. How much love that you can and appreciate yourself and show gratitude for yourself that you're brave enough to do the friggin' work to begin with.

Vickie Menendez  16:01  
Yes, yes. I was gonna say healing requires an awful lot from us. Holy smokes, and what you just said.

Vickie Menendez  16:01  
It does not have to be hard, because that is a definition that we give it. And our life is based on whatever meaning we give to it. So are we going to make it hard? Or are we going to make it graceful and easy and welcome, because that stuff is going to come up.

Vonne Solis  16:15  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  16:15  
Are we going to welcome it and embrace it and work through it or are we going to say, no, not that again. I can't do it.

Vonne Solis  16:51  
Yeah, no, no, I agree. So I'll sort of so when I say it requires a lot from us. It does require commitment. It requires us to be open. It requires us to be accepting. Non-judgmental of ourselves and and I really want to turn to this piece about self-love, because what I'm going to take from from speaking with you, Vickie is and because I've been at this for quite a long time myself. So I love what you say, and I agree with you 100% it's always changing. And I do want to actually say a nod to is it Kintsugi?

Vickie Menendez  17:55  
Kintsugi.

Vonne Solis  17:56  
Kintsugi. We have to talk about that where it's the I'm going to let you explain it, you know what that is because that was so beautiful for me, and I'll tell you why. Because, and I'll give you a little hint, folks, it's to do with being broken. And no disrespect to the therapist I was seeing at the time, but that therapist did not want to allow me to feel broken. And this was about, oh, 13 years ago. And so I was in my grief at that point for about maybe seven years, and I was very upset about that. They wanted me to see myself as changed. But we are kind of broken when we lose a child or another significant loss, we're broken. So I do want you to talk about the self-love piece, but I do want to say, is there anything you want to say about before we get to that, about what more did Jesse's passing teach you? Like, did it elevate you? Like, or did it solidify something that you had taken away from Crystal's? It happened so soon. Is it was it a pact between them? Like, I mean, that's kind of hard for you to maybe answer, but how did? What what how did it impact you, spiritually and and for your healing part of it?

Vickie Menendez  19:18  
When I got the phone call in the middle of the grocery store, the police were trying to identify his body.

Vonne Solis  19:25  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  19:26  
He had drowned in a pool. And it was so shocking, I couldn't I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Vonne Solis  19:38  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  19:39  
I couldn't believe what they were telling me. What they were telling me over the phone. And in the midst of my heart just kind of shattering, something else came in. It was like, and this, this was over, you know, I can't say that everything came through all at once, but it kind of did. It made its awareness there. That all of this was in preparation for what I'm supposed to be doing right now. It is a soul contact that I have with all of my children, for them to give me these experiences. And just recently, I'll say, a couple months ago, I realized that all my kids went out exactly the way they would have wanted to go out. You know, Wesley would have wanted to go out dramatically. Crystal would have wanted to take her time.

Vonne Solis  20:35  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  20:35  
Jesse would have wanted to for it to be shocking. And all three of them went out exactly the way they were supposed to. But, it because I had the awareness around the contracts, I knew that this happened 12 days later? There's gonna be so much, something much bigger than me.

Vonne Solis  20:57  
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Vickie Menendez  21:00  
Way beyond anything I could even comprehend

Vonne Solis  21:03  
Exactly.

Vickie Menendez  21:05  
And I just needed to be open for those messages to come through. And I was just getting download after download after download of what this all meant. Why all of this happened the way it did. And when you think about all of ths stuff waving together, it was like it created this beautiful mosaic. And it, one thing that somebody told me while I was in the hospital with my daughter. I have a friend of mine who said you have to talk to this particular spiritual guide. And she might be able to give you some insight. So as I was talking to her, she said, in this lifetime, I really feel intuitively that you're supposed to be able to see the beauty in death. And when she said that, I was like, Whoa! Okay, you just said something that hit me with really, like in the heart. Like I was like, Oh my gosh, that is what I'm supposed to be doing. Is seeing the beauty in all of this. As if, if you can see a transition as being beautiful instead of it being tragic? Isn't that lifting them up rather than making this horrible moment that you never want to think of again or whatever, if you can think about them just transitioning in this beautiful way?

Vonne Solis  22:39  
Well, they are. And and so as you're well, so

Vickie Menendez  22:42  
They are.

Vonne Solis  22:42  
So what is coming to me while you're speaking, is that if we could make our grief really or the loss, the loss about them and not us, it would really do wonders to help us not suffer. And one of my big things was to understand more in the Buddhist realm that suffering is an illusion. And and it's kind of all works together however we get it. So we're we don't need to suffer. We can certainly choose it, but we do not need to stay there. And then understanding and if you're folks, if you're not out there on a world stage, if you're not writing books, if you're not teaching, coaching, doing any of the things that you know you know some of us are out there doing at different levels. If you could just find this for yourself, this is where we turn to the self-love piece. And let's talk a little bit about Kintsugi. Tell us that and how that people can see themselves in a new way that helps to maybe help them love themselves more.

Vickie Menendez  22:59  
Kintsugi is the art of the Japanese art, of repairing a broken pottery.

Vonne Solis  24:02  
Right

Vickie Menendez  24:03  
I thought of this analogy for the testing bonds, testing bonds relationships in the aftermath of loss. Because anytime you have a loss in a family, it affects everyone. And it affected you know, my husband and I, we've been together for 31 years. He's not the children, he's not the father of these children that I lost.

Vonne Solis  24:28  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  24:28  
But he's done so much with them. I mean, he might as well have been their dad. You know, like he went through everything I went through with them as they grew up. And so our relationship was really tested because when you're in those lower level emotions when you're in that deep grief, then you're met with those types of emotions, right? Because everything is reflected back in the same level of frequency. So if you're in a lower-level frequency, then that's what you're going to be that's what's going to be reflected back to you. So you bring up all of the resentments you might have toward family members or toward your husband or towards somebody else, because that's where you are. You're down there in the in the dirt, you know, like crawling around and and that's what you're met with, and that's the reason it was so important for you to get up there and into the higher level frequencies, because then you're reflecting more positive things. You're reflecting love and joy, all of that, instead of all of the guilt, the shame, the judgement, all of the stuff down there. Because if we are reflected, everything is reflected back to us, what we're projecting? Then there you go. You know, if you're way down there with throwing judgements and feeling shame about certain things that maybe you weren't a good parent, or you were a great parent, but you know, like there's always going to be those thoughts running around in your mind of what you could have done differently.

Vonne Solis  26:04  
Correct.

Vickie Menendez  26:06  
But that's what you're going to be met with. So in relationships, if you're down there digging in the dirt, then you're going to be pulling up all of the things that have happened throughout your life with somebody because I don't know anybody that's had a perfect relationship. You're gonna have fights, you're gonna have things that you have resentment toward the other person for, you know. I mean things happen throughout the years, especially if you've been with them for a long time. So I found that when I was in my deepest grief was when all of those resentments that I had toward my husband that typically wouldn't even surface came back. You know, they came back up to the surface, but, um, but when it comes to Kintsugi, there I I use uh, quotes in my book a lot.

Vonne Solis  26:58  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  26:59  
And the quotes kind of help me to, kind of get any energy of what, what I wanted that chapter to be about. It says Kintsugi is a Japanese pottery technique. When something breaks like a vase, they glue it back together with melted gold. Instead of making the cracks invisible, they make them beautiful to celebrate the history of the object. What it's been through. And I was just thinking of us like that and my heart filled with gold veins instead of cracks. So the way they look at things, they take and make each crack in a bowl, a cup, so that you can see it. So that you can see what the object has been through. And I just thought that that was the most beautiful analogy to use, because when you are broken, there are I like to say, Oh, I kind of thought of it when you said broken earlier, you're changed forever. You know what the things that we go through, they do change us forever. And I don't use broken any more than I have to, because I think we're just different. You know, it changes us. But it'll change us so that we're just more enlightened. We're more aware and more conscious of the life that's going on around us. You know, like my son, I'm more present with him now. The one that I have here. I'm more present with my husband who I love more than I did before.

Vonne Solis  28:40  
That's nice. I want to say two things about that. So for me, I straight up, I'm just going to say, I believe we can all feel whatever way we need to feel. Case closed. You want to feel it, you feel it, babe. So I did feel very I did feel very broken. I no longer feel broken, but, but by not and, and so it changed. That's a given. But I didn't want to, for me, skim over the parts of a broken heart. I actually believe my mom died from a broken heart. Oh yeah.

Vickie Menendez  29:12  
So you can die of a broken heart, absolutely.

Vonne Solis  29:13  
And again, that would have piled on generational trauma. So I just want to finish about the being broken. So for me, it was very important that I felt someone was hearing me? Because and now I have to tell you about this as well. So you know, I'm married to a man that was not the father of my daughter. Her biological father died five, six years after her. Anyway, the issue of step-parenting and step-parent grief is one that's largely, I don't think, addressed, and it gets super complicated. In our case, my husband has three children. Two from his first marriage, and one we have together. Our son, whom we absolutely adore. But there is a difference in the bereavement. And he was with me from the time my daughter was seven. So like you, your husband was with you for many of the years of your children and but there was still, and my sister helped me with this, because over many years, and we've been together, thir married, thirty-four, there were many years that I was very angry that he wasn't feeling what I was feeling. Because I saw and I met many, many bereaved parents who were biological parents of a child that that they lost, and they seemed to grieve the same kind of thing. They under they got each other, and as painful and awful as it was those that stayed together, it's just a there wasn't a barrier between them, And at least not the people I met. So I did feel that very strongly there was so one day, my sister said to me, about three years ago, she goes, you know, he's not a bereaved dad. And that stopped me in my tracks, because it was true. He might have been a bereaved stepdad, but he still had his three kids, right? And my whole, that whole part of my incarnation - gone with my daughter, her father. End. End of story. It was just gone with the with the dying of my daughter, her father and an end of a lineage, really. So I'm so it takes a lot for us as the spouse and the mom, unless it's a reverse situation, to find space in our heart. And it was pretty easy for me to choose family with the family I do have and my son, whom I love dearly, right? Just like you love your boy and your husband, but it has been fraught with challenges. So I just wanted to have a quick nod to that for people who might be in a similar situation, you know.

Vickie Menendez  32:08  
Absolutely. I mean, and that's part of learning how to deal and how to deal with and meet your emotions. You feel them forward and sometimes by stuffing them in and just suppressing or oppressing them, then that's what can manifest in so many different ways. But yeah, so if you need to cry, if you need to go and cry for two hours, go cry for two hours.

Vonne Solis  32:32  
Exactly. Yes.

Vickie Menendez  32:34  
It's okay to do that and sometimes people feel like there's like a deadline, you know?

Vonne Solis  32:39  
I know. Like we're supposed to heal by a certain time, right?

Vickie Menendez  32:43  
Yes, yes.

Vonne Solis  32:44  
No, people, no! It's a lifelong journey in my view. Vickie, I think you've said the same thing, lifelong journey. The healing does change, though, and transform, and then I think one day it isn't so much about healing anymore. Like for me, it's not so much about healing. That's not to say there isn't stuff still that's painful and sorrowful. The other thing I want to just do a shout out, as we definitely are coming to the end of this, is that I think sometimes I mixed sorrow for other things that they weren't real. Like I don't know, depression or something that really I don't have, but I do have sorrow within me that is definitely transforming the more my life is guiding me to understand my experience differently from even like over a year ago. And that's what's cool about this if you allow it to be an experience and everything it can teach you. And I know there's going to be people out there watching this or not watching this or listening to this, that absolutely Vickie, will never be where you and I have chosen to go, and that's okay too. There are people and resources that they can go to, hopefully, that can help them wherever they are at in their space. But let's end on self-love and your resources, Vickie. What you most want to share with others. I'm going to have links to your website, vickiemenendez.com and healwithvickie.com. We'll have the proper link. I know there's a bit of a longer URL for that. I'll have a link to that. But you offer so much, so so much Vickie. And so if you want to just speak a little bit about what people I think, what I would want to leave people with, and anything else you want to talk about that we may not have addressed, here is, what are your thoughts on the importance of self-love in the healing process? And anything else you want to say, you know, before you add your resources.

Vickie Menendez  34:43  
Yes, um, self-care.

Vonne Solis  34:46  
Hm, self-care, yeah.

Vickie Menendez  34:46  
Is more than just like splattering on creams, taking a salt bath - it's all of that. But it's also the meditation and the journalling. But one thing that I found that helped me more than anything, was regulating my nervous system. Because if especially like in my case, after losing four children and living a dysfunctional life when I grew up from the time I could as far back as I can remember, I was in fight or flight, all the time. So if you're in fight or flight, then it's really difficult for you to do any healing work that's really going to anchor in it.

Vonne Solis  35:29  
Yep.

Vickie Menendez  35:30  
So I found that the breath work, and I'm a certified breath work facilitator, that by regulating your nervous system, it makes your healing journey so much easier. And it's so much more, it anchors in so much deeper. And you just feel better. You know when you when you learn how to breathe optimally is we all breathe every day but I didn't realize until after I really started studying it, there's a lot of science behind breathing and how to breathe, when we breathe. And a lot of us breathe too much. And, you know, there's one study on there about like, turtles and really big mammals, and they breathe only, I think it's like two times, two to three times a minutes. Like, it's that slow. Where a mouse breathes like, 200 times a minute. They're like, you know, like just frantically breathing, And they live no time. They might live two years.

Vickie Menendez  36:43  
So the whole science behind us really slowing our breathing down, it's not like stopping breathing, but just being more resonant with our breathing, more rythmic with our breathing. And most of us are, like, kind of frantic. We, you know, we're here and we're there, and we're like, live all agitated about things, and, 

Vonne Solis  37:08  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  37:08  
if we're able just to stop. Even if it's every hour, you stop for two minutes and just give that rhythmic now. You don't stop, you just do rhythmic breathing for three to five minutes, it can change your life. It can change your whole day going forward. And like going from one thing to another. You're going from one meeting to the next, or one situationally, or event to the next event. Can we do that intentionally? Can we stop and just take the time to take a breath. Then if, whatever you know, because the energy that we feel in different events are going to be different. You know, we might come out of a charged conversation with somebody. We don't want to take that into something that doesn't deserve that. You know, we might be going to a kid's birthday party. We don't want to be like, you know, barrelling in there with all of these, these emotions, you know, swimming around in our heads, in our body. So it's really taking that time to just pause. Pausing throughout the day can just change everything for you.

Vonne Solis  38:25  
How important is it to when you do an intake of a breath to extend the stomach out? I forget what that breathing is called, where it's opposite. So you breathe in, tummy out, and when you breathe out, tummy in.

Vickie Menendez  38:35  
Yeah, that's diaphragmic breathing. So when you're when you breathe in,, the way you can test it is you put your hand on your heart and your hand on your stomach. Take that breathe that breath in. You want your stomach to rise first. 

Vonne Solis  38:53  
Okay.

Vickie Menendez  38:54  
You know, most people are breathing kind of into their chest and they're not breathing into the diaphragm. So as you start breathing in and out, and then when you breathe out, then your belly goes flat again. So we just tend not to breathe very well. You know, like we breathe, but we don't breathe optimally for our health.

Vonne Solis  39:21  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  39:22  
And so if we can just stop, even if it's every few hours, just to take three to five minutes to just get in a rhythmic breathing like two in four out. Because when you're breathing in, your heart rate is rising a little bit. When you breathe out, your heart rate is going down. So you always want your breath out. You can do four, four too, you know, like four in four out. But if you're really trying to calm your nervous system down, and you take in two in, four out, then you can get to doing four in, eight out. Some people can get up to doing 12 and then 30 seconds out. And you're, when you're doing 30 seconds out, or 30 breaths out, you're breathing very slowly going out. And it just, you can just feel your body just going (exhale).

Vonne Solis  40:19  
And when you say like, 10, 8, 30, are you talking about a count? Have the exhale be a count of that?

Vickie Menendez  40:26  
Right. And so you kind of build that up. And there's a breath hold time that you should always measure every day.

Vonne Solis  40:34  
Okay.

Vickie Menendez  40:35  
And most of us can barely hold our breath for twenty seconds. Like, 

Vonne Solis  40:39  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  40:40  
the best time to measure is first thing in the morning, and that's when you're going to have your worst breath of the time. When you're sleeping at night, you're not awake, you're not aware of your breath and sometimes your breath can get erratic while you sleep. So take a few cleansing breaths in before you do your breath hold count. You take that breath in, and you hold your nose and you see how long you can hold your breath before you before you are gao - you don't want to be gasping for air.

Vonne Solis  41:19  
Right.

Vickie Menendez  41:20  
Breathe out without you, like, you know, like trying to catch your breath.

Vonne Solis  41:25  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  41:25  
And that gives you an indication of how healthy your body is.

Vonne Solis  41:30  
Yeah, okay, okay.

Vickie Menendez  41:33  
You always want to give that breath hold that first breath hold time in the morning, up to at least 40 seconds and that's hard.

Vonne Solis  41:40  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  41:42  
Now what we do in the breath hold times is our breath out hold creates an intermittent hypoxia within our body. So as the oxygen lowers in our body, the CO2 - the carbon dioxide rises. And so what that does is it holds the oxygen from the blood, and sends it to all of the organs and tissues of your body.

Vonne Solis  42:10  
Right.

Vickie Menendez  42:10  
And our bodies are so intelligent that it'll send the oxygen exactly where it needs it most.

Vonne Solis  42:17  
Oh, cool. I love that.

Vickie Menendez  42:19  
Yeah, if you have, you know, your liver is is a little taxed, or, you know, your kidneys, or whatever, then that oxygen is going to be sent where it needs it the most.

Vonne Solis  42:29  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  42:30  
That takes training to be able to do the breath out hold times.

Vonne Solis  42:35  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  42:36  
To create that intermittent hypoxia. They're doing it intentionally. You know, you wouldn't want to do that all day every day.

Vonne Solis  42:44  
No.

Vickie Menendez  42:44  
But yeah, if you could really learn how to breathe properly and breathe so that it's it's actually helping your body to live better? Then you look forward to it. It's like, you know the breath work is like, you feel better. You have more clarity, like, if you do your breath work in the morning, I always get mine out of the way in the morning, I feel more clarity in my work during the day. I feel better. I have more energy. All of these things. And it helps to regulate my nervous system. 

Vonne Solis  43:23  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  43:24  
When your nervous system is regulated, there's not a whole lot that can get you agitated.

Vonne Solis  43:30  
Yes, yes.

Vickie Menendez  43:31  
If you're already like this you're in fight or flight.

Vonne Solis  43:33  
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vickie Menendez  43:35  
It doesn't take a lot to to to like, tip you over, or to trigger you, or to do anything like that. So if we can learn how to be kinder to our bodies and listen to our bodies, because our body is trying to tell us all the time, it whispers and it tells us rest. It tells us to do this. But what happens when you don't listen? Eventually you get sick.

Vonne Solis  44:00  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  44:00  
You end up in hospital. You end up with some unmanageable disease.

Vonne Solis  44:05  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  44:06  
Heart disease, cancer or whatever it is.

Vonne Solis  44:09  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  44:10  
Because we kept ignoring what our body has been trying to tell us for years. So it's checking in. Doing those somatic check-ins with your body. Every morning before I get up, I ask myself or ask my body, what do what do you need? And if it needs another hour of sleep and I don't have to get up? Like, here's some days, yeah, you gotta get up. But then there's other things that you can do, if you have to get up in order to bring that energy back to your body and one of those things is doing the breath work.

Vonne Solis  44:44  
Beautiful. I was just thinking, also, we're going to turn to your resources now, all of this part of self-care. The more you respect and care for your body, for what you've been through. So for your mind, your mental state, your same thing, your emotions, your spiritual journey. Everything, it all is connected. And all of that, I think, just leads us to have profound respect for ourselves for what we've been through. A few years ago, instead of being so hard on myself, which fight or flight will do for those with PTSD. You just, you know, flagellating the back and, ugh, you should have all this stuff. Hard, punish, punish, punish, punish. The when you get rid of all that and you're too tired maybe to do it anymore, or you're just not interested in being that hard on yourself anymore, this is where, step by step, you know, you just sort of merge everything into one.

Vonne Solis  45:40  
And I just honestly think it's it's for me, it's been the awareness of what I agreed to take on and so proud of myself. Huge respect for those that have you know taken on their stuff. So that's another piece. Is just respect each other and all of us together for what we're taking on in this life, and you don't have to learn these lessons. I'm sure you agree, Vickie, that you know you and I are taking on and what we're learning and striving to, well, in my case, get as the best I can before I transition. You know, it doesn't have to be big things like you said that happened to you. You can learn this just from choosing to if, even if, you're living a joyous life, make it more joyous. Become compassionate, develop unconditional love for each other. And I tell you all of this stuff, by the way, I do believe in domino effect. So our conversation, whoever it reaches, even just us, and our energy that we're putting out to the world, you know? It's been amazing, talking with you. And again, I'm just so respectful of what you're doing. Would you like to leave the audience with your resources? Again, I'm going to have links to your websites, but you can certainly mention them. The work you do, and whatever else you want to leave the audience with Vickie.

Vickie Menendez  46:57  
Well it's vickiemenendez.com. The healwithvickie.com sometimes it's not always completely updated. So vickiemenendez.com will have everything you need there, and that's actually in the middle of an upgrade right now. But we have, I have retreats that will be starting next year, and a what I call the chrysalis journey, which is, it's just, it's a path. It's starting out meeting them, meeting the client where they are, because everybody is from a different place in their journey.

Vonne Solis  47:37  
Yeah.

Vickie Menendez  47:38  
So I assess from day one, I assess where they are in their journey and we start from there.  And then I have groups and that kind of thing, but I really find that one on one work is probably the fastest, more direct path 

Vonne Solis  47:57  
Okay.

Vickie Menendez  47:58  
to get them feeling better. I was working with a woman that lost her daughter 15 years ago, and her death day was always the worst day, time of every year. And so we met on her daughter's birth, death day. I felt I could be more support for her. And she came back. She always puts flowers and the lilles on the crash site of her daughter.

Vonne Solis  48:26  
Okay.

Vickie Menendez  48:27  
When she came on our call, she had this lightness about her. And she was smiling. And so when I asked her how the day went, she said, you know it was different this time. She was able to go in just feeling this warmth and love for her daughter, rather than this loss or this emptiness. She learned how to get more connected to her and how she could change the definition of that. You can make it whatever we want it to be. So she decided that it was so much better for her to think of her daughter as just love and light, rather than loss, because that's not going to change. She's not going to all of a sudden see her daughter standing there, but she can change the relationship she has with that loss. Make it what we want. You know, I always told her when they come tugging at your heart, you know, which would typically take you down a spiral?

Vonne Solis  49:30  
Yes.

Vickie Menendez  49:30  
 I said think of that as a visit? They're just telling me it's just a tap on your heart a little bit to say, Hey, Mom, I'm here.

Vonne Solis  49:37  
Yes, oh, my God. I wish people I did a week long mediumship with James Van Praagh, and I just wish people could really understand first of all, anybody can be a medium. I'll tell you that, but they're lined up to get their messages across. They really are. And I chose not to make that a focus of my work. I work more with the angel realm. But nevertheless, it was a really cool experience to channel for a week, people. Like, be a medium of people. But the energy was a little too heavy for me, so I was like, No, you know, maybe not guys like, anyway. But we, all those of us, that all of us, there were 100 of us. We all channeled for each other for five days, and everybody, yeah, and everybody was absolutely bang on right about who was coming through. It there was no there were no mistakes. So they are, you know, energy just trying to communicate with their loved ones to let them basically know they're okay. And I know this is a cliche and all of it, but it really, frankly, is true. And you know, so I just, again, I just really encourage people to be open to that energy. And the more that you can open yourself up, the easier it is for them to leave you a little feather. Or, you know, I think you wrote about a jolt in your heart, and I had that as well, in 2006. That jolt right in the heart, like as a sign from my daughter. Way back, way back when I was training to be an angel therapy practitioner. And I really, you know, her sign, just to let me know, and the perfume all around me, just to let me know I'm here, you're on track. 

Vonne Solis  51:26  
One thing I did want to just end with, you know, on the note of the angel anniversary. I call it Angel anniversary. A few years ago, I started to celebrate our soul contract on that day. So again, making it about us together. And that was the date that was chosen, also on her birthday. So I don't forget myself in the process here about what I've taken on. And then sometimes I joke a little bit and kind of go, you know, to my daughter, okay, you know, this time, you're the one that exited. I'm the one that you stayed behind. And you know, who got the better deal here? But, you know, make, make it a bit of fun and but that is not to overshadow or take away from the as you've talked about throughout our whole time together, in and out. You have to take the steps. You have to face the pain. You have to deal with it. You have to, if you, know, get it be face your truth if you want to expand upon it and really become the person we're meant to be on this planet. That's how I'm going to leave this one, Vickie. Did I cover everything with you? I, 

Vickie Menendez  52:34  
I think so. 

Vonne Solis  52:35  
This is amazing, right? Thank you. Thank you so much for coming on my podcast. Thank you so much for in advance, for everybody your story and your wisdom is going to touch and you know, just meeting you has been wonderful. So you know, thank you for becoming part of my podcast community, Vickie.

Vickie Menendez  52:55  
Thank you for inviting me. I really enjoyed our time together today.

Vonne Solis  53:00  
Me too.