Grief Talk w/ Vonne Solis
As an Author, Angel Healing Practitioner and bereaved mom since 2005, through guest interviews and coaching, I share great content that is informative, inspiring and practical to help anyone who has suffered a loss, or other adversity, manage grief and heal. Topics focus on loss, grief advocacy, grief support, healing, personal growth and consciousness expansion for holistic wellbeing.
Grief Talk w/ Vonne Solis
Ep. 93 Breaking Free from Suffering: Embracing Healing and New Beginnings
In this deeply moving episode in Part 11 of the Soul Sisters series, I sit down with my soul and real-life sister, Brenda Rachel, to share our powerful journeys from suffering to healing, and the joy we have now reclaimed.
This episode is for those who take a keen interest in finding ways to navigate past or current hardships, are eager to explore healing strategies and gain spiritual insights for optimal personal growth.
We explore the profound challenges of bereavement and chronic illness, focusing on my personal journey of choosing healing over suffering after the devastating loss of my daughter to suicide in 2005, and I share the pivotal moment early in my grief when I decided not to live in perpetual suffering.
Brenda opens up about her decades-long battle with fibromyalgia, chronic pain, and emotional hardship, including a prognosis at age 42 that would confine her to a wheelchair and end the active and fulfilling life she was then enjoying. Her story of overcoming adversity and embracing joyful living, despite ongoing challenges, is deeply inspiring.
Together, we also discuss the crucial role of a spiritual practice and community support in staying committed to healing and crafting a life filled with peace, joy, purpose and contentment.
Meditation “Working with the Angels to Release Pain in Grief”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7kZDigv-2A
Connect with Brenda:
https://www.brendarachel4angels.com/
Brenda's book "Broken Spirit, Awakened Soul, My Journey of Healing with the Angels"
https://www.amazon.com/BROKEN-SPIRIT-AWAKENED-SOUL-Journey-ebook/dp/B0CBD3QLW8/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Brenda+Rachel+Broken+Spirit&qid=1701376272&sr=8-1
Connect with Vonne:
https://vonnesolis.com/
Vonne's books:
https://vonnesolis.com/vonne-solis-books/
Living Meditations on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@livingmeditations
Coaching with Vonne:
For the serious life student inquire about coaching at this link:
https://calendly.com/vonnesolis/one-on-one-coaching-with-vonne-solis
Subscribe to the podcast! Share your favourite episodes! Connect with Vonne on LinkedIn and Facebook.
Vonne Solis 0:08
Welcome to the Soul Sisters series, where you'll get thought-driven inspiring topics for your soul. With Vonne Solis and Brenda Rachel.
Vonne Solis 0:30
Okay, so welcome to Part 11 of Soul Sisters. As we may have said in Part 10. I can't quite remember, but we just decided to do episodes as we feel like it, and add it to this playlist for your enjoyment, for your learning, for your healing, for inspiration. So welcome to the Soul Sisters series. I'm Vonne.
Brenda Rachel 0:55
I'm Brenda. And together, we are the Soul Sisters!
Vonne Solis 1:01
We're also real life blood sisters, and this whole series is dedicated to us sharing with you how we survived our trials and tribulations from different experiences. Brenda with Fibro. Myself with bereavement. The loss of my daughter, Janaya in 2005 to suicide when she was 22. So we have come from the same family dysfunction. And, a lot of it, which you'll learn about in any of the earlier episodes, one through 10. Each one we focus on a specific area to expand consciousness. And I think that even when we're talking my, my consciousness gets expanded.
Brenda Rachel 1:51
Oh, absolutely.
Vonne Solis 1:53
Right?
Brenda Rachel 1:53
Yeah, mine too.
Vonne Solis 1:54
Yeah. So I re-listen to our episodes two or three times as I edit and do the transcript and so on, and then you listen to it, and we decided together that this is pretty good stuff. And but the true, you know, evidence of our teachings, both as authors, Angel Healing practitioners, coaches and in whatever other way we offer our work to you, it is precisely our work that we have lived by. Dedicated ourselves to, the principles of it to heal and get ourselves very comfortable in life, right? Living life on our terms the way we want to live our life.
Brenda Rachel 2:39
Exactly. Yeah.
Vonne Solis 2:40
And I just want to throw in here before we get into today's topic, which is all about the smorgasbord of suffering there is no end to on this planet. Whether we're really here to suffer to gain entry into God's kingdom, or otherwise develop a very evolved consciousness and return to the omnipotent. The Source. Whatever we believe. The idea of suffering, to earn our way out of something that in the human body we're trapped in, into something that is more reverent, if I can say that word. A more reverent...
Brenda Rachel 3:24
Absolutely.
Vonne Solis 3:24
... more Divine, more whatever. So the question is, we're going to be talking about that today, Sis, do we really come here to suffer? And all the ways you can suffer. Of course, we're not going to be going through all of them. Just to say that um, while there is a smorgasboard. Remember the day we were having chai and we were just talking about it, and kind of going, well, it's a smorgasbord out there. Like, whatever you want. You can go through anything and turn it into suffering, or it is actual suffering that we don't choose to really be in, but due to our very human makeup, we suffer. Such as loss and anything else that would be traumatizing or very impacting in a suffering way, which I will define as something that is lasting. According to the dictionary, it is lasting. It ends, you know, it causes us undue grief for an extended period of time. And you know, considered, you know, to be suffering. We're also going to talk about, well, when is it time to let it go? And I think we're only going to have time probably to touch on that. And I think we're going to probably circle back to letting go in the next episode, which we've already got planned for you, and how to do that, it's a process, and give you some ideas. So let's jump into it sis. This Part 11 Smorgasbord of Suffering and when to let it go being the topics we're going to talk about.
Vonne Solis 5:02
So I'm going to open up with we were talking just ahead of the recording. It just like a whoosh came to me before you arrived. The Bible verse, and I am not proficient in the Bible, so I did look it up. So aparent, it's Matthew 19:14 from the King James Version, and I'll quote it directly. It says, "but Jesus said, Suffer little children and forbid them not to come unto me, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." So that's the Bible verse. But what was interesting about what came to me is, Brenda and I were raised Baptist until we weren't. And we both went into, well, you went into, you can explain. What church did you go into?
Brenda Rachel 5:50
Oh, I went into a variable variance of churches, but Science of Mind and to become a Science of Mind Minister.
Vonne Solis 6:01
Right. And I went into Unity. And that both churches have very meta, have a very metaphysical spiritual what would you call it, like foundation I guess?
Brenda Rachel 6:13
Well, I think principles.
Vonne Solis 6:14
Principles. But the difference is in, well, I don't know if it's a difference. I don't know if Science of Mind references the Bible at all, but Unity certainly had a religious a Christian component to it. Referenced the Bible, but took a lot of those passages and expanded on them so that we would feel more empowered and things are possible and we are that spark of God and so on and so forth. So it was a perfect blend for me, because maybe more than I like to care to admit that Baptist upbringing until we were, well, basically adolescents or longer for you had an influence.
Brenda Rachel 6:49
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 6:50
And you were quite religious.
Brenda Rachel 6:53
I was very religious. Yeah, my whole, my whole youth revolved around something at the church.
Vonne Solis 6:59
Right.
Brenda Rachel 6:59
Youth groups, CGIT, whatever.
Vonne Solis 7:01
Right. So, as we like to say, you know, I spent my donation money on candy on the way to Explorers, which was an offshoot of the, you know, CGIT, Canadian Girls in
Brenda Rachel 7:13
Training.
Vonne Solis 7:14
Training. And Brenda, of course, you probably donated and built a huge fund for the church.
Brenda Rachel 7:20
Probably.
Vonne Solis 7:21
I'm sorry. You know, may I at least be forgiven. But anyway, a little you know, aside showing the difference in our personalities. And we shan't go any further about the crimes I may or may not have committed in my youth.
Brenda Rachel 7:36
Okay. So aside from our personalities, we're on the same path.
Vonne Solis 7:41
Our paths. Okay, fair enough. I ran pretty much with a very adventurous crowd, and left home just as I was turning 16. And so my path was definitely different. But I'd like to say I always kept myself out of trouble.
Brenda Rachel 7:56
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 7:56
But it does speak to that fiery personality and not wanting to bend to authority and all that kind of stuff. And you were a little bit more restrained.
Brenda Rachel 8:07
I was an absolute devout rule follower.
Vonne Solis 8:10
Yeah. I thought you were going to say angel actually. I'm not ... about angel. You probably were.
Brenda Rachel 8:18
To a certain degree.
Vonne Solis 8:18
Yeah. So bringing it back. So, so there I am, and this thought comes to me, suffer little children come unto me. That was the part I remembered. So as I was getting my thoughts together for today. And this, really, I think it's, I don't know if it's an important topic, but the more you suffer, and the more you don't want to suffer, but you don't know how to get yourself out of it. So in my case, the loss of Janaya. My bereavement. I'm 19 years in it now. You know, I did start to question it. Is this my lot in life? Am I going to be tortured like this, and especially in the first several years of my grief. And I and I actually and bereavement, because they're two different things. Grief is what you feel from the bereavement. Bereavement is the loss. The grief is, is how we react to the loss, which can last a lifetime for a good number of people. So I didn't want to do that.
Vonne Solis 9:22
So right from the time she died. From the earliest, earliest, earliest, I would say, weeks, and for sure, months, right? The pain was so severe for me, and you know that. And that's when we went down nine months into it to train as Angel Healing practitioners and went to California for that. And so we really took it seriously and did the whole thing, and, you know, and came back and founded practices part-time, and, you know, in our respective ways. So dedicated. Point to that is that we both dedicated ourselves and you know. You, my understanding you came to help me, to support me.
Brenda Rachel 9:22
I came to support you.
Vonne Solis 9:25
It wasn't more like I gotta go and I was, I have to go and do this.
Brenda Rachel 10:11
Right.
Vonne Solis 10:11
And so bless my sister. You know, you didn't want me to go alone, and rightly so, because I was very, very timid. And you know, was, was just afraid of of the world, and so you were sort of the huge pillar for me through this whole experience. But anyway, the point I want to say is that already I'm starting to think about this notion of, one, I can't suffer the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able to bear that. And two, do I really need to? This is not what Janaya would want for me. And many people who are suffering the loss of a loved one, that it has impacted them in such a way that they are suffering horribly, right? I believe that the majority of them, if not all of them, understand that their loved one, in spirit, doesn't want us to suffer.
Brenda Rachel 11:07
Right.
Vonne Solis 11:08
And if they, right? And if you ever, ever, ever, ever, go look at YouTube mediums. And you know, first thing the medium will say, and this is not, these are not mediums that are all me, we're all gifted, actually, by the way, to be mediums, channels for people in another dimension, okay? Which is just around us. Just vibrating higher. We all have that gift. And I learned that from James Van Praagh when I trained under him in 2015. And so it isn't "they're talented" and, you know, people pay a lot of money to go to people to basically hear, "They love you and they want you to be happy", right?
Brenda Rachel 11:52
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 11:53
Okay, and you might get some other messages. And I'm definitely not dissing mediums at all. People who have that gift of mediumship, because I studied under one of the world's well known if you're in that circle, James Van Praagh, for a week, and learned a lot. And James taught me, as part of the 100 of us that were there to think of it as being an, you know, a channel, and you're offering an amazing gift to someone who doesn't believe they have that skill themselves.
Brenda Rachel 12:28
Right.
Vonne Solis 12:28
I'm just going to call it a skill, it's not even a gift. So anyway, and as an aside, a lot of people that were at that week-long training, they didn't even really know what it was about. So they were shocked when they found out that they were there to learn how to be a medium. What? I found they some of them, because we paired up all week with each other, some of them were the best ever. Oh, they were talented. My God. So anyway, I'm just saying, we're not, our loved ones on the other side. The key message is they don't want us to suffer. So then what the heck are we suffering for? So I'm going to turn it over to you. What do you think? So, so I'll just say, well, we'll, go on to the next thing. So just on that point of, do you think, we're going to expand on this but actually, I want to just get right now your sort of views on what suffering is to you. And just very broadly, do you think that most people think that we're, we have to suffer on this planet to gain entry into that omnipotent? That God's kingdom? That wherever that's going to end the suffering for us?
Brenda Rachel 13:41
Okay, well really interesting. I've never really thought about that, and so I can't answer for anybody else on this.
Vonne Solis 13:48
It's what you think.
Brenda Rachel 13:49
But I definitely don't believe that. Although I was raised in a Baptist church that would have had that as a principle. Like because we followed what was taught in the Bible, etc.
Vonne Solis 14:04
So do you think, having not really thought about it, though, that you may have believed that based on the teachings of your Christian upbringing?
Brenda Rachel 14:12
Yeah. I would have, I would have adopted it if I, if I don't consciously remember that particular concept being taught to me. I do and it absolutely recall the verse from the from the Bible. I'll just say for myself that I believe grief and suffering are are not the same in my physical with my physical impairments. So I suffered intensely through my pain, but I wasn't in grief.
Vonne Solis 14:47
You have suffered in this life. Would you agree with that?
Brenda Rachel 14:49
Oh tremendously, tremendously. Emotionally and physically.
Vonne Solis 14:53
Okay. So let's keep it to the your personal experience of suffering. And while you were in your suffering, maybe you would like to share with the audience who maybe haven't seen some of our earlier episodes, where did this suffering come from for you? When did it start and briefly like, where, what made you suffer?
Brenda Rachel 15:15
Well, I think my very initial first suffering was dealing with mom's suicide attempts and the absolute devastation that I was going through. And about the emotional pain that I was in couldn't that I couldn't do anything for mom, and also that I had to be there for you guys.
Vonne Solis 15:36
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 15:37
And my siblings, which was my sister and two brothers. And didn't know, like did, I took on, at some level, the responsibility that maybe I had done something wrong for her to want to leave.
Vonne Solis 15:52
Oh, really.
Brenda Rachel 15:53
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 15:54
So just to really recap, so our mother, whom we loved, dearly. Let me put a picture of her up in the video for those who are following us on video.
Brenda Rachel 16:06
And just to interject. She passed at 78 so she did live.
Vonne Solis 16:10
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 16:11
She didn't die early.
Vonne Solis 16:12
Oh yeah, she didn't die early. But by the time I was ten, so by the time you were basically 14. We're almost four years apart, she had had five attempts to end her life. Which we did talk extensively about this in an earlier episode. I'm sorry I do not remember exactly which part, but it will be in the show notes. And we were greatly impacted, as many people are, by childhood trauma, but didn't understand it as childhood trauma.
Brenda Rachel 16:45
Right.
Vonne Solis 16:45
We didn't even, we were, we weren't raised with the term suicide, but just kill herself.
Brenda Rachel 16:53
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 16:53
Attempt to kill herself. So if you really think about it, as a young child, and our brothers were in between us. You know, one would have been, you know, 12 when the attempts ended, through her being admitted to a hos, a mental a mental institution, quite frankly, for a couple months, two or three months. And then a younger brother. All four of us were greatly, greatly impacted by that largely because no one talked about it. We weren't really informed about what was really going on, and we just never knew if we were going to have a mother.
Brenda Rachel 17:20
Right, right.
Vonne Solis 17:22
So, so you took that on. And our age difference. The fact that we have that age difference between us, and you're the oldest, naturally, basically got hit with all the responsibilities. And I'm like, la, la, la, la, la, just as I've said in another episode, just not understanding why I can't have my friends over. Right? That, and the biggest thing, the underlying so there's always in childhood trauma, this, like, you know, vibration of trauma in our cells, our DNA, that's going on that you don't feel safe. It's suffering. So you're right. We suffered right from childhood.
Brenda Rachel 18:02
Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And for me, it started at probably age four. You, you were just born, so three, and a bit. And when she had her first suicide attempt, and so then there were several others all the way through. But at age eight, I vividly remember that was the first time that I took on, like the household responsibilities. With the cooking and laundry and stuff like that, and looking after you guys.
Vonne Solis 18:32
See, and I don't even, I don't even remember it. So that, in and of itself, is probably, must impact you in some way when you did all that and the kids don't even remember.
Brenda Rachel 18:44
Well, and I think, too, it was like, I was really, like, Mom and I were really close, and I like, I adored mom and I just didn't understand what I did wrong. Like, why she didn't, why didn't, why she didn't want to be there.
Vonne Solis 18:59
But I think that's a normal, I want to say, for those of you who are in the bereavement. We can be suffering in many lanes, but for the purpose of this series, I'm bereavement. Bren's disability to cover all these areas, but they cross over, and there's many other types of suffering and grief comes from anything that hurts us and leaves us in pain. That's grief, as far as I'm concerned, based on my extensive experience with grief as a bereaved mom. And it's kind of like, Oh, I think you can feel this way if you've been abused as a kid. And you know, whenever we've been really hurt, abandoned, betrayed, trauma, you know, traumatized. All these things that happen just from a loss? Well, they happen to us, even getting fired from a job. So let's just leave like no matter where you're coming from audience. What kind of experiences. This is not like this show isn't for you, unless you've lost a child or suffered with some disabilities. No. This is for you, if you share any of the feelings, emotions from whatever experiences that we talk about, and then get yourself out of that. At least get yourself started on the root of healing. The path of healing.
Vonne Solis 18:59
So, yeah, so that's huge. And I'm going to wager a lot of those feelings, unless you know what you're feeling, and in any childhood dysfunction, we don't know. We don't really know. Subconsciously, and at that higher soul level, we know exactly what we're feeling. As like, I'm talking about our spirit, soul Self. But as that little kid? You don't know. But what I was going to say is, you're feeling responsible, and you did something that you know would make mom not want to be here?
Brenda Rachel 20:55
Right.
Vonne Solis 20:55
That is, I think, a very, very common reaction from kids that they're responsible for their mom and dad's divorce. They're responsible for for anything that's gone wrong in the family. And because kids don't yet generally talk to the other siblings about that abuse, right? They take on and shoulder that. They can do that throughout their whole entire life. But I also want to say to those of you who are bereaved parents, it's very, very common for surviving children to feel that they should have been the one that died because of the depth of unhappiness and suffering the parent is now going through. And hopefully there's more work on it. I read one book back in 2005 that made me aware of it right in the in the first two, three months. And it was a general book on grief written by a psychologist. It was not specific to bereaved parents. And boy, did that save me, because I under, I would never have understood in a million years that my son actually felt that way. And so when he one day told me that because I wouldn't stop crying, "well maybe I should have been the one that died" and he's 13, I immediately whoa! That's what that psychologist said. And I so, you know, becoming aware of it allowed me to not let that fester in his little 13 year old mind. Which, by the way, festering can start in little two year old minds and younger. And certainly, so you're feeling that at eight, that what's she doing wrong? I'm four, and no idea that Brenda's feeling that. That you're feeling that. So we're carrying different things. Just think about the trauma in the world, folks. All from stuff that is not talked about is pure suffering and not explained properly if it is talked about.
Brenda Rachel 22:59
Right.
Vonne Solis 23:01
God.
Brenda Rachel 23:01
You know, I think it's just, you know, on me at a very young age, like I said, at eight, to take on everything, all the responsibilities for my siblings, and the basic household things, which was a was a lot. There were six in our house. But ...
Vonne Solis 23:18
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 23:18
And I loved doing it, so it wasn't like a ...
Vonne Solis 23:20
Did you?
Brenda Rachel 23:21
Oh, yeah. I loved doing it so, so that wasn't an issue because I came here to help. I've always been a helper in some form. Wanted to help people or whatever, offer assistance wherever I can. And so that was innate in me. And it wasn't like against kind of the human condition or my makeup. My kinetic makeup that I came here. I've always been a helper. And so anyway, I'm just saying that for my own suffering with my with my physical illnesses, it was my physical illnesses that then I got into my own suffering and but it wasn't in grief.
Vonne Solis 24:04
You're aware. I would say that you're also I think that it was suffering on top of suffering, but where you become aware of suffering. Because I don't really think we talk about suffering very much.
Brenda Rachel 24:14
No we don't and so.
Vonne Solis 24:15
Do we?
Brenda Rachel 24:16
No, and I also think that we, it can be associated. Grief and suffering can be compartmentalized in the same compartment, and they're really not the same. Suffering is one thing, and grief is something completely different.
Vonne Solis 24:37
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 24:37
And so and I'm not going to get off topic.
Vonne Solis 24:40
No, no. I mean...
Brenda Rachel 24:42
Right?
Vonne Solis 24:42
Basically, it's we can suffer from anything. We can be in grief from anything. But you can be in grief and not suffer.
Brenda Rachel 24:51
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 24:51
So we lost our mom.
Brenda Rachel 24:53
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 24:54
I did not suffer that loss, okay? It was a shock, for sure, when she died at 78 very unexpectedly, heart issues. And so I was, I wouldn't even say I was, necessarily, I might have been traumatized. I was just shocked. But it was nothing, nothing like the suicide of my daughter, which did propel me into long, long, long-term suffering. It would have been a life of suffering had I not decided to look at suffering ...
Brenda Rachel 25:27
Suffering or grief?
Vonne Solis 25:29
Suffering. I was in grief, but like I said. You can, I was in grief over mom, but I didn't suffer. I wasn't it wasn't prolonged. It wasn't ...
Brenda Rachel 25:40
Okay.
Vonne Solis 25:40
And prolonged grief disorder is now a disorder in the DSM V. Look it up if you want. It became a disorder a couple years ago, and is literally defined as grief that is persistent, excessive grief, grief or complex grief for one year or more. And you have memories. And anyway, they give you, I don't want to get into it, but they give you the bullets, if it were of what would constitute prolonged grief disorder. But it became a mental disorder. I have it, by the way, as most bereaved parents, if not all of them, have it. And maybe suicide survivors of any type of relationship loss that they are a suicide loss survivor. So, you know, again, it's very interesting. That's suffering. You know, any disorder is a suffering of type. You know, we it's, it's, it's impacting our life in such a way that we cannot enjoy our life, essentially.
Vonne Solis 26:44
So for the purposes of this, of this particular episode and this series when we talk about suffering. When I talk about suffering, for me, that's what I'm referring to. Something that is so deeply embedded in in me or others that we cannot, cannot get past the pain of it. It is very disruptive to our life, our relationships, our ability. We could lose our identity from it. It has completely changed our experience on this planet, and we're not happy people. We're in pain because we are suffering from whatever it is. And I mean, so for you, if you're considering, are you suffering? Are you not suffering? It could be from anything. It could be from chronic illness. They're suffering. I mean, it's in any way that the enjoyment of life, this is my definition of it. The enjoyment of life has literally been ripped from us and what we knew. And somehow we have to rebuild ourselves and find a way to not suffer. So in other words, embrace joy and embrace those things that would make us feel content and safe and secure. And you know, have our happiness. And as they say, you can't sustain happiness 24/7, but you can certainly have a positive disposition and view and tackle life, which is what we talk about in all our episodes from a more positive, solution-oriented disposition. I won't even say lens. I'll just say disposition. That is how I roll. And but it, you know, and that's how you roll. But it doesn't mean that we don't encounter things or haven't had deep, deep pains and suffering.
Vonne Solis 28:37
So but I just, I'm so glad we talked just a smidgen about the childhood impact of the trauma, because it's so important to understand that that impact on us as kids. My one of my least favorite sayings is children are resilient. And I always say, actually, no they're not. They all grow into us as adults. So we might get through it as children and just we don't, because we don't understand what's really happening within our bodies. But as this screwed up, dysfunctional adult, which there's plenty of that to go around, choosing from this smorgasboard of suffering on the planet, okay? That, and if it comes from childhood, all of that has been in our DNA. Been in our cellular structure. Been in our mind, our makeup, our everything. And we may or may not have an experience or become curious about it and want to do something about it when we're adults.
Brenda Rachel 29:47
Right, right.
Vonne Solis 29:49
So for someone, in my opinion, that does not go through childhood trauma, because I guess there are some people out there, and if you're one of them, yay! That's amazing. Um, but I've always sort of felt that if you skip it, and you don't have to deal with it as a kid, it'll bite you in the butt somewhere in your life. Not necessarily the suffering, but something's going to get you. Every one of us is going to experience a loss at some point, unless we're the first to go.
Brenda Rachel 30:19
Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, all I can say is, like for as my suffering, for me started with my fibro.
Vonne Solis 30:29
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 30:29
When I was in my physical, physical pain.
Vonne Solis 30:32
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 30:33
And ...
Vonne Solis 30:34
Oh yeah.
Brenda Rachel 30:35
It was, it was very, very difficult. And I was told at the age of 42 that I would end up in a wheelchair. So that sort of set me off into a down, downward spiral into severe grief, because I knew that I had no health left.
Vonne Solis 30:59
Yeah, the loss of health, folks. Think about that for a minute, the loss of health. And correct me if I'm wrong. But is there very much information out there about grief from loss of health?
Brenda Rachel 31:12
Oh my gosh, I haven't looked it up but I would think probably not.
Vonne Solis 31:17
I'd say probably not.
Brenda Rachel 31:18
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 31:18
So when we lose that. So you suffered. So share, if you'd like, what the suffering because you had physical suffering, mental suffering, emotional and spiritual suffering. It impacted you always, because you literally couldn't move.
Brenda Rachel 31:36
Correct.
Vonne Solis 31:37
You went to work, you said, and you would come home and basically writhe on the on the floor in pain.
Brenda Rachel 31:41
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 31:41
After caring for your animals.
Brenda Rachel 31:43
Yeah. Until I couldn't work anymore. And I was pretty much always on the floor or in bed. And so life, life was life as I knew it, from being very active.
Vonne Solis 31:56
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 31:57
Very, very active. Because this was the early 90s, but I had been paddling. White water rafting since '88. And I did a trip in the early 90s to in Alaska for 12 days.
Vonne Solis 32:16
Was it Alaska or the Yukon?
Brenda Rachel 32:18
Oh, yeah, the no, it was Yukon and Alaska.
Vonne Solis 32:22
Oh, wow.
Brenda Rachel 32:22
Yeah, yeah.
Vonne Solis 32:23
She went by herself.
Brenda Rachel 32:24
I went by myself.
Vonne Solis 32:25
I mean, with a group, but still by yourself.
Brenda Rachel 32:27
There were 12 of us, a 12 day, 12 day trip down these amazing rivers.
Vonne Solis 32:32
Amazing.
Brenda Rachel 32:32
It ends up in Alaska. But I can't remember if we started in the Yukon, but anyways, because we met in Whitehorse. But in any event, that was an amazing 12 day trip. And I did that in '92.
Vonne Solis 32:44
Mm, hmm.
Brenda Rachel 32:44
And then in '94 to '96 were my really, got fibro right after that, like was diagnosed. I already had it. I had it since '79 but didn't know.
Vonne Solis 32:54
Yeah, so getting diagnosed is another big piece?
Brenda Rachel 32:57
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 32:58
To understand our suffering, right? We can suffer and not know what the heck from.
Brenda Rachel 33:03
Yeah, no, no. Because for me, you know, I always had, like, quote, unquote, a bad flu. Very bad flu. But I would be off like, five days from work, and other people would be off two to three. And I was like, seriously, seriously, seriously ill. And anyways, when I finally was found a new doctor, and when he referred me to a rheumatologist who then did tests, etc, and actually gave me a diagnosis. And the prognosis, like I said, was I would end up in a wheelchair. And as soon as I read that, I instantaneously went into a state of grief.
Vonne Solis 33:41
Yeah. For sure.
Brenda Rachel 33:42
You know.
Vonne Solis 33:43
Your life's sort of feeling like, I'm sure it's slipping away. Slipping away from you.
Brenda Rachel 33:47
I had no health. Like ...
Vonne Solis 33:50
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 33:50
You know, no capacity to use most parts of my body and like, they just, intolerable pain. Pain like I've never, ever, ever felt in my life.
Vonne Solis 34:00
Right.
Brenda Rachel 34:00
Ever.
Vonne Solis 34:01
Right.
Brenda Rachel 34:01
So in any event, from that point forward, I after I tried to commit suicide and didn't die, then and that set me on that, and that, I would say, culminated from extreme, extreme suffering and deep, deep, deep depression and grief.
Vonne Solis 34:21
So let me jump on that point.
Brenda Rachel 34:23
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 34:23
So when you found that out, did you, pretty sure you didn't blame God, because we're not into blaming God.
Brenda Rachel 34:33
No.
Vonne Solis 34:34
But
Brenda Rachel 34:34
I didn't.
Vonne Solis 34:35
Or anyone.
Brenda Rachel 34:35
I didn't blame anybody.
Vonne Solis 34:36
No, but, but did you question why you would be on the planet and suffering like this?
Brenda Rachel 34:41
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Vonne Solis 34:43
So let's talk about that. What? What were you? What? What were you? What were you asking about suffering, and what were you, sort of ...
Vonne Solis 34:53
Well, I felt ...
Vonne Solis 34:53
... concluding about it?
Brenda Rachel 34:55
Well, I felt at that, at that juncture, because I'd already been, had been, had started my ministerial studies through my Science of Mind church and I was just taking pre, preliminary courses for two years. Like a couple of classes each semester to get to move into the practich, actual practitioner training. So I already was, was very committed to becoming a minister. And and so I knew I had a purpose. But what I questioned was, Why was I ill when I absolutely believed that we came here perfect, whole and complete?
Vonne Solis 35:39
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 35:39
And I was nothing but a shell. I was becoming nothing but a shell. So the conflict ...
Vonne Solis 35:46
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 35:46
was between what I knew I was as, as a true vessel from God on this planet, which was perfect, whole and complete, and the outer picturing was nothing.
Vonne Solis 36:02
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 36:03
Nothing like that. So it was a complete dichotomy, or, or, what can I say? Dichotomy?
Vonne Solis 36:10
Yeah, yeah.
Brenda Rachel 36:11
Like they don't mesh here girl.
Vonne Solis 36:13
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 36:13
And also ...
Vonne Solis 36:14
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 36:14
I was really starting to question, but not to the point that I would have ever given it up, like my value system. My belief system.
Vonne Solis 36:23
Right.
Brenda Rachel 36:24
My training.
Vonne Solis 36:25
Right.
Brenda Rachel 36:25
All of that?
Vonne Solis 36:26
Right.
Brenda Rachel 36:26
I thought I've come too far ...
Vonne Solis 36:29
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 36:29
to know that this is real.
Vonne Solis 36:31
So this is from the Science of Mind church, remember? So this was already metaphysical. We're now not dealing with just a Bible. And you know, you know, Heaven and Hell.
Brenda Rachel 36:42
I really believed in in the Science of Mind treatment, where, through prayer treatment, of the five steps of prayer treatment, in Science of Mind, that I could heal my body. I had the capability with my beliefs to heal my body? And yet there for me was no energy. I had no energy to invest in doing anything anymore.
Vonne Solis 37:12
Yeah. So a lot of this is, I'm going to ask you if you thought you deserved to be suffering?
Brenda Rachel 37:18
Well, I that didn't, that didn't enter my mind.
Vonne Solis 37:20
That didn't enter your mind.
Brenda Rachel 37:21
I never felt that I was being punished by God.
Vonne Solis 37:22
Okay.
Brenda Rachel 37:22
Or that anything, I had done anything to myself.
Vonne Solis 37:23
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 37:23
I also had not yet adopted the principle that I create my own reality.
Vonne Solis 37:36
Oh, you weren't there yet.
Brenda Rachel 37:37
I wasn't there yet.
Vonne Solis 37:38
Okay.
Brenda Rachel 37:39
To the point where I believed I could heal myself. And so that's creating my own reality, but not in the words of like I could create. I believed that I create my own reality in every aspect of it.
Vonne Solis 37:52
Right.
Brenda Rachel 37:54
Right?
Vonne Solis 37:54
Yeah. And so that would be illness. You had created the illness, but you weren't quite there yet?
Brenda Rachel 38:00
No.
Vonne Solis 38:00
So ...
Brenda Rachel 38:01
I knew I could heal myself.
Vonne Solis 38:02
Right.
Brenda Rachel 38:03
But I didn't know that I, or I had come into the understanding that I had created, created the illness.
Vonne Solis 38:10
Okay, you were on the cusp, I guess of finding that. So, because when you don't believe that, like when before you adopt, if you do adopt the what is sort of from a self-responsibility. Uh, knowing your truth, and you know, all of that kind of stuff in a spiritual practice, right? It is that we create our reality. All the good, all the not good. And once you adopt that for your life, and we are not here to tell you to do that. I just for me, it makes life a lot more interesting and more tolerable. It gives you autonomy over how you want to live, and it allows, and, you know, allows you, or invites you, to go back and revisit these things that have not been pleasant in your life. But anybody who's on this path already has a growing toolbox. You don't just do it without the tools.
Brenda Rachel 39:04
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 39:05
We've already surrounded ourselves by, you know, or with a community of like-minded people. Have read books. You were studying to be a minister. Were very, you know, involved in in your Science of Mind church. And and even though it can take years to kind of refine, and probably should take years to refine your spiritual practice and your truth of your your life. Because your life keeps going on and keeps surprising you in many ways, um, and the goal, I guess, is always to become 1 1 1. One flame, one spirit, one soul at that's my goal. To have that all merge where I'm very balanced with the human at my point of transition. That's my ultimate purpose on the planet, despite what's happened more because of what's happened and all my experiences. And I think it's that element of curiosity that helps us go back and revisit the childhood stuff. When we've been hit with a major life event, like such as Janaya taking her life. Okay, that superseded anything else. Childhood trauma? I don't need to deal with that right now. I need to deal with this. This is the one that's actually threatening my life. It's threatening my ability to survive.
Vonne Solis 40:24
If you don't get hit with anything that severe, then, you know. And before I got hit with that, I was on a wonderful, beautiful spiritual path from the time of age 25. So I was 48 when she died. So as I was on the path, I guess, for 23 years, and I was already like you. I was very well rooted in understanding there's no blame. I wasn't as probably, this is my reality. This is my creation. Intellectually, I got it. But living with that took me a little bit of time to not understand it was my creation, but why? Why would I create this suffering in my life? And so that's 19 years ago, and I've had plenty of time to evolve and explore and be curious about that and what that means for me in my life. Which turned into the body of work that I now share with others, for any like-minded people, or people that want to learn and follow that kind of thinking and and have that manifest as the truth for them in their own life. In your life, in your own way.
Vonne Solis 41:35
All we do in our work, and you know, and certainly on this series, is we just share our stories. And this is what you know and we like to you know, we like to share our stories and invite you to just think about some of the stuff we talk about. That, quite frankly, just even like today, we're just banding things around and well, what do you think? What do you think? We don't have the answers. But it's the questioning that helps us find answers that make sense for us and what we've been through individually, that when we allow ourselves to do that and heal just a little bit. For me, it makes like, the incarnation, the life, like worth it. Okay?
Vonne Solis 42:18
And I'm, you can see, I'm hesitant, um, because worth it doesn't sound quite right, but certainly that I can value the suffering. I can value the lessons. I can learn from the lessons and understand that they, I've chosen them. Those lessons I've chosen for some reason. And I don't exactly have the whole picture yet, because I'm not sure we get the whole picture until our transition. I'm just not sure about that. And whether we do, whether we don't. Other people, you know what? Who may or may not be watching this or listening to this, but in their own track, and you know they figure they have the answers for everything? More power to you. I have been as perplexed at various stages of this bereavement by different things and to varying degrees. Much more deep thinking. It's invited much more deep perspective in me that probably, hopefully is helping me refine this experience to the point I chose to have it, to the point I chose to be conscious of all those things I wanted to learn in this lifetime as I transition. That's really what I think.
Vonne Solis 43:38
I talked a bit about that in Soul Healing in Part 10. And I know it sounds really convoluted, because I'm working it out. But I really believe that I became aware of the suffering as illusion, which I'm going to pop into in a minute here. So I definitely knew I was suffering. But it also took me a few years to understand the difference between suffering and just being bereaved and in grief. I really had to, you know, really kind of explore, like, this is not going away. And after making myself wrong for many, many, many years. Many years, about why don't I have it together, like I see other bereaved parents have it together? So I can truthfully say 19 years later and even many years ago, I understood that none of them. None of us, have it together. People just put on faces to be public and so on and so forth. But deep down, I met so many people years and years and years into their bereavement that they can get taken down in a second by a trigger. Just like me, but we just don't stay down as long. So what that means is the pieces of that suffering from whatever we have experienced that has caused us to suffer, they're still there even as we heal. And so that makes me question to think we can ever really, really get over the suffering? Like all of that stuff built in deep within us.
Brenda Rachel 45:13
Yeah, well, I think for I can't, I absolutely can't speak ...
Vonne Solis 45:16
Just for yourself.
Brenda Rachel 45:17
Yeah, for any other individual. But I know for me, it gives me a great sense of what's the word? Relief, knowing that I am the master of my destiny.
Vonne Solis 45:33
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 45:34
And so that it is nobody else's duty to enable me to heal from whatever is ...
Vonne Solis 45:44
Right.
Brenda Rachel 45:45
is going on in my life, right? And so all of my situations and a sense of freedom. It's a wonderful sense of freedom, knowing that I'm the one who, through my thoughts, can create what I want to have happen in my life.
Vonne Solis 46:00
Right.
Brenda Rachel 46:00
So upheaval, upheavals challenges, my absolute falling off the wall. Things, when they happen out of the blue and I have my little outbursts at home and stuff like that, it's very freeing, knowing that I have exactly the same amount of energy that I can put into that side of the coin or flip the coin and have it become a much more positive experience.
Vonne Solis 46:33
Right.
Brenda Rachel 46:34
It's nobody else's responsibility to fix anything that's going on in my life.
Vonne Solis 46:40
So here's a question for you about suffering, keeping it to suffering. So you suffered. Your health declined. We're not going to talk about it today, because earlier episodes are filled with how we both got out of our intense suffering. And I do want to just clarify about triggers and long-term effects for triggers and things that can just whoa! So just as an aside, today, I was working on a coaching episode I'm going to be releasing, and I pointed in them in that episode, I'm pointing to a meditation I have on on my YouTube channel. It's a meditation channel. And I thought to myself, geez, you haven't done that for a while, because I created this channel in 2017 right? And I'm going, oh, man. I mean, is the recording, any good? Like, you know, whatever. And so I thought, okay, just check it. Listen to it. And anyway, it is releasing pain with the angels. And so I decided, and I decided, I'll just listen to it and do it. I ended up going, you know, what? Just do this. And it brought me to tears. You know? It brought me to tears. Because the words that I was using were, uh, being channelled to me at that time through the angels. And it's a healing meditation with Archangel Michael, Azrael and Raphael.
Vonne Solis 48:06
And so the point I want to make of that, and I'll put a link to it even in this episode, because that channel called Living Meditations, I that was this, the next phase of the work I was doing at that time, which was meditation. We didn't, podcasting was not like for me, even in my consciousness at that time. And I was working on the re-edit, a re-release of my book Divine Healing since the 2018 version, and I had so much fun doing all the meditations. And they were there, and they serve a person, purpose, and they have their audience, but the ultimate was to accompany each of the meditations that are in the book Divine Healing. And that's what they do. And so listening to it, once you get over like, Oh, your voice could have sounded better, and things like that and the opening, blah, blah, blah, you know, it's not about that. It's about the impact of choosing to want to heal from suffering and not let it get me down and not ruin it for the rest of this life. And also being very motivated by understanding Janaya doesn't want me to suffer.
Brenda Rachel 49:21
Right, right.
Vonne Solis 49:23
And while she suffered on the planet, and I do not ever, ever speculate as to why she took her life. I don't know. She didn't leave a note. No idea. So anybody could say anything and make it about mental health problems or this or that. I have no idea. I just know she looked like an angel in her death, and a policewoman told me at the scene she had never seen anyone look more beautiful in death. So that meant she died peacefully, even if it was at her own hand and I didn't need to worry at least about that. But going back to this meditation, the reason I'm talking about this today and why I did it this morning, and at first I was a little fidgety, and then I went, you know what? Just give into this and do it.
Brenda Rachel 50:14
Good.
Vonne Solis 50:15
And it made me cry. And the reason it made me cry is because all the areas and we, what focuses on different areas of your body where you're feeling pain and stuff like that, and targeting them and ego through the meditation, and then revisit and see how the areas are doing. And I just honoured and respected, okay, girl, the heart's still broken. It's still broken. I don't know how to totally fix it, and I don't know if I need to totally fix a broken heart. But I certainly can, like you're saying, manage, and what I was saying earlier about the autonomy. I can certainly decide when and how I want to be very like, like, how I want to be experiencing that deep, deep pain. That, in this case, the meditation allowed me to be fully in touch with to understand it's still there.
Vonne Solis 51:12
And so your fibro, we talked in a few episodes ago about how you've had a little, I don't want to say little, but a return of it, a return. So you know, I didn't want to impose but you're okay with me saying that. So when you think about suffering and and you get out of it for years. You had some other things go wrong and stuff like that. But when before talking about the Fibro recurrence, in the in-between years, you're faced with a life of suffering. You go through some stuff, and then you're not. Would that be correct to say?
Brenda Rachel 51:54
No.
Vonne Solis 51:55
Or have you always felt you've been suffering in some way, physically?
Brenda Rachel 51:58
No, I think all of my all of my disabilities ...
Vonne Solis 52:04
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 52:05
are all part of fibro.
Vonne Solis 52:07
Where are your thoughts on your personal suffering today?
Brenda Rachel 52:11
I don't, I don't really get into a consciousness of suffering.
Vonne Solis 52:16
Right.
Brenda Rachel 52:16
I just get into a consciousness of I have to deal with what is going on with me in this moment. Like, what, what particular offshoot of fibro am I dealing with? And as you know, I've been dealing since December.
Vonne Solis 52:32
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 52:33
With chronic fatigue.
Vonne Solis 52:34
Right. But you don't associate suffering with what you're currently going through.
Brenda Rachel 52:39
I associate everything now with the with the actual issue. And just go, okay, if my feet are in pain?
Vonne Solis 52:48
Yeah,.
Brenda Rachel 52:48
Pain is part of fibro. You know, plantar fasciitis, whatever. If I'm have anxiety, anxiety is part of fibro, right? So I don't even think about suffering anymore.
Vonne Solis 52:59
Right.
Brenda Rachel 53:00
I don't think about it.
Vonne Solis 53:01
So I just want to clarify. Did you think about suffering in earlier years or decades? Did you associate the pain you were in as pure agony and suffering?
Brenda Rachel 53:11
Oh, yeah.
Vonne Solis 53:12
And that was a conscious word for you. I am suffering.
Brenda Rachel 53:15
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 53:16
Okay.
Brenda Rachel 53:16
Yeah. I am suffering and I want to die.
Vonne Solis 53:20
Okay.
Brenda Rachel 53:20
Oh, absolutely.
Vonne Solis 53:21
Okay.
Brenda Rachel 53:22
And no. I've talked to you about this before in another episode, and I don't want to be here on the planet anymore when I tried to commit suicide, right?
Vonne Solis 53:29
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 53:30
And, like, I just didn't want to be on the planet anymore.
Vonne Solis 53:32
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 53:32
I didn't, didn't know any other way to leave it.
Vonne Solis 53:35
Right.
Brenda Rachel 53:35
So in any event, no, that's a really good question that you just asked me, that I just forgot what you asked me.
Vonne Solis 53:43
Well, I asked you if, um, so we were all we were both. I wanted, I just want to. I do want to keep this in the context of suffering, which I hope we have. But I also want to to so acknowledge that both you and I in earlier decade. You, uh, 30 odd, 40 years ago, 30 odd years ago, and me, 19, acknowledged we were suffering from a life event. Health, bereavement. I was suffering. I wasn't even questioning it. And I thought about it for many, many years, and you dealt with it in your way. But the point I'm making is we acknowledge we were suffering.
Brenda Rachel 54:23
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 54:24
We, Brenda assigned no blame for it. I assigned no blame for it. In fact, both of us, at some point, took responsibility for the creation, the event that happened from our perspective. I didn't take when I say I took responsibility, I didn't I'm not saying to you, I took responsibility for Janaya choosing her death. No, I understand that was her choice to go, not mine. I'm taking responsibility for being a parent of a child who left me. That's what I'm taking. Only, I only take responsibility for what I am experiencing in my life. Not what anybody else is doing. And I long ago, years ago, in fact, at the point of her death, absolutely, absolutely considered myself a guardian of my children. A mom, for sure, but no control when they reach an age. An age, whatever that age may be, where they're taking autonomy for their actions. I'm not taking responsibility for what they're going to do. But I'm praying to God that I never go through that again. And yes, I did feel responsible and guilty in other ways, but always as I should have been a better mom. I could have been a better mom. I should have done this, just like what we all do. But I wasn't like, I made her decide to take her life. No. So I want to be very, very, very, very clear about that.
Vonne Solis 55:50
So the staying with the suffering. I'm suffering. I don't like this feeling. In fact, I can't I can't live like this. I know I won't make it. That was actually it. So same kind of thing, and I don't think I can make it. Again, not intending or wanting to end my life myself. I would have never done that. I'm not wired that way. And I don't even know if it's about being wired. Honestly, I don't know. But I did have some reckless behaviour, and I didn't care if something happened to me. You know? Such as driving down a country road when no when no one else was around me on the road, very care, like very recklessly, just not wanting to be here. But that, I think, is a natural and normal reaction when we are suffering, and can move our body. And a lot of us, I think, just maybe can do stuff like that. Anyway, I was spared having to deal with that. But then again, we have to have something to live for. I have my son, okay? And so without him, I don't know. He was 13 at the time when his sis died, so I don't know, but, you know, I do have him. So that's my reality. And for years and years and years, that's what kept me going. Now I live for me. Okay, really happy about that. But the point I want to make bringing this back to the whole suffering thing, we're aware of it. At some point we go, nope. No, no. I am here either because I really need to be here or I really want to be here, whichever it is we're here. So how now is the, so kind of like you are dealing with. You have got the Fibro return? Damn, maybe. Like, darn, it's back. Or in my case, I'm a bereaved mom. That's not going to change. Your fibro may not ever change.
Brenda Rachel 57:44
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 57:44
because again (indecipherable) right?
Brenda Rachel 57:44
Yeah. In all honesty, I don't think it's ever been gone.
Vonne Solis 57:49
Exactly.
Brenda Rachel 57:50
So.
Vonne Solis 57:51
Exactly like my bereavement. It's never, ever going to be gone. But ...
Brenda Rachel 57:55
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 57:56
I can, and here's where we're going to move into this part. I can decide how much I want to suffer or not suffer, which is a good you know, bulk of my work that I have been dabbling in or seriously, seriously working in about this whole next piece of this which is, how much do I want to suffer? Do I want to suffer at all?
Brenda Rachel 58:19
Right.
Vonne Solis 58:20
And when is it time to let it go? Well, that's a personal choice, obviously, but I decided that's when I'm going right back right at the beginning, within about certainly when we went and trained as Angel healing practitioners nine months later, in the April of 2006. I, I absolutely knew that I was not going to live a life of suffering, and I was going to do everything in my power to overcome it. That's probably not the word I used, but to not suffer anymore. For Janaya at that fire ritual ceremony.
Brenda Rachel 59:04
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 59:04
Which sounds kind of weird, I know, but it was beautiful. But had no idea how to do it.
Brenda Rachel 59:10
It was a releasing ceremony.
Vonne Solis 59:11
It was a release. It was a it was a fire, a fire ceremony, but a release of whatever you wanted to release. And I was really releasing, making a commitment to my daughter. Making a commitment to Janaya at that ceremony, I'm releasing the suffering. But I didn't know how I was going to do it, and I certainly didn't know how long it was going to take me to do it. Hence the journey.
Brenda Rachel 59:31
Right. And just to, just to elaborate on the releasing ceremony. So when we say it was a fire releasing ceremony. We threw, we wrote down, on a piece of paper ...
Vonne Solis 59:40
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 59:41
What we wanted to release from our consciousness, or whatever.
Vonne Solis 59:44
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 59:45
And we all went around in a circle and threw it in a in a barrel of fire.
Vonne Solis 59:50
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 59:51
Okay?
Vonne Solis 59:51
Yeah. We had the, we taped the, we put a little piece of, you know, paper with our release statement on it. And put it around a rock of our choosing. And when it was our time, it was more a procession of 400 people, if you can imagine, to the beat of a drum, and on very, very beautiful well, hotel grounds. And and, you know, it was very powerful because obviously, I think the beating of drums and I think fire are very ritualistic in in from our earliest days and mean different things. But at the point it was just, well, we probably also needed the fire for light, but, you know, as it was kind of dark. But anyway, you know, and when it was your moment to stand before that, this is all just symbolic stuff, guys, not weird stuff. And you know, you threw that in. And it was very powerful. It was very, very powerful for all of us I think there, whatever we were releasing or making a commitment to change in our life. Whatever it was. And for me, I felt like I had taken on a huge, huge undertaking about not wanting to suffer, like ending my suffering. Had no idea how, but as I said, that kickstarted my journey of really putting into practice this commitment and not turning my back on it. Because, well, I'll just say this very generally and very broadly here. I believe, based on what is going on in this world and has been going on in this world forever, there is too much suffering. God, there's too much suffering. And I believe that because, as Brenda and I said earlier, we don't really talk a lot about it, that I don't think, I don't think we have enough tools and knowledge and incentives, and, you know, the the insight. The whatever it takes to get ourselves really out of it. It's kind of like, the blind, leading the blind, if you will. No disrespect to the blind, you know?
Vonne Solis 1:01:57
Like I had nothing to turn to. Nothing for the way I needed and wanted to overcome this horrendous, horrendous suffering. And so this is why we have to find things through like-minded people in communities, our spiritual practice, our faith. It could be, it could be just religious faith in in the more traditional sense. It's whatever we are drawn to and finding the different resources along the path that will help us overcome, overcome, overcome, overcome, let go, let go, let go, let go. But there are so many aspects to the letting go piece, largely centered around healing and letting it be okay to be happy and deserving, okay? That that can be difficult to stay on that path, and that's where you have to have the motivation and the inspiration and the willpower and a whole bunch of these other things to keep yourself going. And it's really hard if you don't know where you're going.
Vonne Solis 1:03:09
And one of the things I did lose for many, many years, and I've only kind of, not kind of getting back, but it's still kind of, you know, not really, is where do I want to go? I don't know! And I have been trying to figure this out for years and years, and years and years and years. And I wished I could talk to somebody about it who has more experience than me, because I do entirely relate this to bereavement, loss of my identity, that shattered who I had been. And so finding out who I am, but more importantly, who I want to be. It's kind of like, what do you want to what do you want to do when you grow up? And I was talking to a bereaved mom last year. Had her on my show and and we she said the same thing, and we laughed about it. I think we were talking personally, and I can't remember if we said it in the podcast episode, but we laughed about it, because that's exactly what it feels like. Your gap year from grade 12 to university, which, of course, they do in Europe and we don't really do it in North America, but the same kind of idea, but it's an extended period. And that has been my biggest, I think looking back, my biggest challenge And the suffering didn't help, because suffering keeps you well, it can keep you hopeless, right? You got to dig deep to get yourself out of it, right?
Brenda Rachel 1:04:33
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 1:04:34
So I want to jump head to right now, to so, because we're probably getting to the top of the hour here. I want to jump ahead a little bit to just sort of when to let go? Up to you. But I think the critical moment and the letting go happens when we make the conscious decision, you don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to suffer anymore.
Brenda Rachel 1:04:57
Absolutely.
Vonne Solis 1:04:57
You think that?
Brenda Rachel 1:04:58
Oh, it has to be, I believe. It has to be a conscious decision.
Vonne Solis 1:05:02
Yeah. You have to be aware of it.
Brenda Rachel 1:05:03
Exactly, because it's like, even with wanting to heal my body, it had to, it had to be a conscious ...
Vonne Solis 1:05:12
Right.
Brenda Rachel 1:05:13
commitment.
Vonne Solis 1:05:14
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 1:05:15
This is what I'm doing.
Vonne Solis 1:05:16
Yeah. So I wanted, I do want, to just sum up a little bit what we said just before I got into that last little diatribe there. When we say, well, so you still live with fibro. I still am bereaved. Not going to change. It might for you in your lifetime. Me, never. Once bereaved always bereaved. But, the we don't look at suffering, well, we're not suffering. I'm not suffering at all, folks. And actually, I can't tell you when it ended. It was more like an osmosis of just accepting Janaya's death. My girl's death. And I hate to say it, but I have to say it. Being okay with it. And I know I might get some feedback on that, but, and that's taken years for me to actually and when I say like, I'm okay with it? What I mean by that is, I'm not happy she left me. No! But I've never been mad at her. Never. But I have to be okay that it happened in my life. Which could be just another way of saying I've accepted it or not. I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole.
Brenda Rachel 1:06:30
I would say for
Vonne Solis 1:06:31
Otherwise, I can't go on. I can't go on positively if I don't reach that point.
Brenda Rachel 1:06:35
It's a choice. You made it you've made a choice to accept.
Vonne Solis 1:06:40
I have to.
Brenda Rachel 1:06:40
You know.
Vonne Solis 1:06:41
But it took years, and years and so that choice really, it's just really, that I've been comfortable with it. Because there's, there's a difference between saying, I accept that it happened, but still being miserable. And going, I accept what's happened. I'm not going to let this take me down and and I'm going to find a way. So here's where I'm at. So I'm going to find a way to fully embrace life and all the beautiful opportunities and as much joy and love as I can embrace and want to feel. Because I believe that's a choice too. How much we want to feel goodness. And give myself permission to understand this is a journey, what I'm undertaking. And I'm just proud of the point that I you know, the I am proud of myself because of the point I've been able to reach. Where I'm experiencing a lot of that in my life and have been for, I would say, the last several months, consciously. Not trying to force myself, just really allowing myself to authentically let the light shine through me and and just be very accepting of this bereavement and not attach any misery to it anymore.
Vonne Solis 1:08:08
And I started about a year or two ago celebrating me on Janaya's birthday and Angel anniversary for going through this together. Knowing she's way more free than I am, but kind of making it a little bit more lighthearted, going, Yeah, you know, catch you later. I know I'm the one lagging behind here in this human body. Little bit more heavy, and as I always say, this corporeal mess we that I'm sometimes composed of. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. This heaviness, this weight. But I was glad to be your mom. So glad to be your mom.
Vonne Solis 1:08:49
Now, other people might reach this, and it's not a race, you know. Other people might reach this, like a year or six months. It really depends on a loss. How you lost your loved one, of your child, you know where you're at. But for me, I'm just talking about my, my, my suffering, right? This one really, really has, has just, just about took me down. And so to recover from that and let it go, right? This is my authentic. I don't do anything half half-butt. Half-assed. I it has to be all or nothing for me, and that for me is my authenticity. And if I can't really mean it, and I can't really feel it, I'm a work in progress. And this might be where I am at until the day I transition and I'm okay with that too. That I don't have to be this perfect being. But I had to change my relationship with my daughter. In other words, I had to change the kind of relationship I needed to have with her now in spirit, rather than being her mom and just missing her all the time. Celebrating her in spirit. It and celebrating, just celebrating our paths together and where it's taken me knowing that she's eons, eons beyond this. You understand what I mean? But in my human brain, I can still, thanks, hon.
Vonne Solis 1:10:21
I know other bereaved parents got there way before me, and again, I'm saying this isn't a race, but understanding this can happen for other people. They can they can experience healing. Maybe someone's, you know, gone through something much faster than we have, and it our natural tendency is to compare ourselves a little bit, right? And you just can't do that, because this is a very personal, personal commitment. When we are acknowledging our suffering and then when we are saying, I don't want to suffer. You're only making a commitment to yourself if you want to let it go. Right? Your thoughts? We're coming to a close on this, but we'll end on your thoughts, on, on, on all that I just said, you know.
Brenda Rachel 1:11:09
Well, I think that suffering is a part, a part of the earthly dimension, and that as long as we have a human condition, I think we learn through suffering. And that what you were saying before about the world. I can't remember exactly, but
Vonne Solis 1:11:31
Well, it's full of suffering.
Brenda Rachel 1:11:33
Yeah, it's full of suffering. And I really feel that it's once we once we become enlightened about that it is our own choice on how we want to live our life and how we want to change anything in our life that isn't working for us. This is not the responsibility of any other individual. If you're in a family situation or like myself in a single situation, it's nobody's responsibility to make me happy or not suffer or whatever, and it's completely, completely my choice if I want to experience those things. And so just like with you, you live in a family situation, but you understand that you are the only one that can change you.
Vonne Solis 1:12:33
I know.
Brenda Rachel 1:12:34
Your husband can't change you, your son can't change you. You know, nobody in your life. I can't change you.
Vonne Solis 1:12:42
No.
Brenda Rachel 1:12:42
Right? It's, it's a choice that comes from within.
Vonne Solis 1:12:45
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 1:12:46
That finally I say to myself, how, however I'm dealing with my health is it has to come from a place that I can accept.
Vonne Solis 1:12:57
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 1:12:58
And I'm making a choice about it.
Vonne Solis 1:12:59
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 1:13:00
And for me, I'm very, very grateful. I don't feel at all that I'm suffering with anything that's going on in my health situation.
Vonne Solis 1:13:07
Yeah, no, I love what you said. You're just dealing with things that come up and, oh, this has happened, right? And deal with it.
Brenda Rachel 1:13:13
I'm not, my feet are swollen or my back or whatever, whatever.
Vonne Solis 1:13:16
Yeah.
Brenda Rachel 1:13:16
I have to sleep or whatever. I just deal with it. And I don't get mad at any at the process.
Vonne Solis 1:13:22
Right.
Brenda Rachel 1:13:22
Or anything. It's just, it's going on with my you know? It's, it's what's happening to me. However, I also take full responsibility that I am creating what's going on in my world. In in my body. Like nobody, it hasn't happened because I slipped on a curb or something like this, right? Well, it would have been my choice to have slipped on the curb, but I'm just saying. So I just want to leave the thought that through my own empowerment of my thoughts, however I choose, whatever I choose to focus on, is what I will create. And through that creation is what I will manifest. And I will have to deal with whatever it is that is going on in my world. It's not the responsibility of any other person or ...
Vonne Solis 1:14:20
Right.
Brenda Rachel 1:14:21
a practitioner, or whatever ...
Vonne Solis 1:14:22
Right.
Brenda Rachel 1:14:22
to heal me.
Vonne Solis 1:14:23
And that's actually a really good point because the thing is, when we suffer, it is also easy to blame others for what's happening to us. And that is an episode all on its own. And it is, in my view and experience, in having been working with clients over the years and so on, and learning from the angels. My goodness, for every for every piece of assistance you give a client through the angels, you learn yourself because the messages are always very universal. But I will say that a huge part of suffering and that mentality of suffering, I think we are largely taught it because of it being so widespread. But also without, you know, focus on self-responsibility and awareness for being responsible for our lives. Being responsible for our creations, a step up. You know, having the autonomy as it were, to be better and choose better than experiencing pain and hardship when we really don't have to. And here's the thing is that when you make a decision to not suffer, to not be broke, to not be unhappy, you know to have more of this, to have more of that, to have more of whatever it is okay? And this can take years and a practice to actually embrace it. It can also be instant. It really is all in the mind and what we are willing to accept at any one time in terms of goodness and worth and deservingness. It can just be like, flipping a switch.
Brenda Rachel 1:16:15
Oh, I was gonna say it could be instantaneous.
Vonne Solis 1:16:17
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 1:16:18
Right? The minute you're just like an and so then that begs the question, which we don't have time to ponder and ask today, is, you know, well, do we do we suffer? And is there extended periods of suffering until we reach that point when we understand our deservingness? Another show, but one I contemplate for others, I don't think I've had a huge problem with that, so so much. But I definitely had a problem for years about deserving to be happy, and the conflict, the contrast with the grief and mourning my child, right? Well, what does that mean, if I'm happy? Did her death not matter? And so we often suffer to express how much we loved someone. Or atonement, or, you know, any other other combination of reasons that ultimately is is, you know, wrapped up in it's, it's proving to someone else or something else. Just ourselves, even you know that we aren't deserving because of. You know, whether it's regret or guilt or you know all that. So there is that whole, you know, path to explore.
Vonne Solis 1:17:33
But I promise you, when you decide, I've had enough of this. Suffering could just be in a bad relationship, you know, and you're tired of it. It could be really bad things too. But when we make that decision and that that break in our mind. "I'm done, I'm done". You'll know it.
Brenda Rachel 1:17:51
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 1:17:51
That's all I'm going to say is, you'll know it when you're done.
Brenda Rachel 1:17:53
Yeah.
Vonne Solis 1:17:53
Right?
Brenda Rachel 1:17:54
Absolutely.
Vonne Solis 1:17:54
Right. All right. So you know what? We've gone on. I know this is kind of long-winded. And hopefully there's some jewel pieces in there for both you and I to pick up when we re-listen to it on our own. And for you as the audience you know, to think about in your own life and come up with other stuff on your own. It's always the curiosity that helps us through this. I'm currently going to leave you with the idea that I have been completely struck by, you know, the Buddhist insight of suffering is an illusion. I am not a Buddhist. I reconnected with obviously, a lifetime in the past as a Buddhist monk in January, and that is leading me actually to an extended time in Southeast Asia at the end of this year. And I hope I will be far more enlightened to understand and really live suffering is an illusion when I come back. And meantime, I will be doing "Tales from Asia" to keep you updated on that progress. Again, and just another little piece for me in my overall life plan and what I want to achieve. And that's about all I know. I know nothing else. Just that I have a plane ticket. Oh and my husband's going.
Vonne Solis 1:19:29
Anyway, a huge topic, right? As I say I hope I left you with some tidbits. So we'll be coming back in the next Part 12, and I'll teach you a little bit. Brenda and I are going to be talking about the small i am. Small i am, versus the I AM all caps, and what the difference is. How to know it, how to live it, and experience both in your life when it comes to intending and manifesting, creating that perfect life you do want. And yes, life can be perfect, right?
Brenda Rachel 1:20:08
It sure can.
Vonne Solis 1:20:09
Anything else you want to add to end this one today?
Brenda Rachel 1:20:12
No, it's great. It's been wonderful.
Vonne Solis 1:20:16
Time for Chai.
Vonne Solis 1:20:19
Anyway thanks for listening. Thanks for watching.
Brenda Rachel 1:20:22
We appreciate it.
Vonne Solis 1:20:23
We appreciate it. We love you guys, and are really glad you're on the journey with us in some way. So until next time we are the Soul Sisters. See you again.
Brenda Rachel 1:20:27
Bye.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai