Grief Talk w/ Vonne Solis

Ep. 50 Mending the Broken Pieces! Recovering From Childhood Trauma

August 09, 2023 Vonne Solis/Caurel Richards Season 3 Episode 50
Grief Talk w/ Vonne Solis
Ep. 50 Mending the Broken Pieces! Recovering From Childhood Trauma
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

In this episode, meet Caurel Richards, the founder of In Divine Thyme Transformational Services. As an Intuitive Guide, Empowerment Speaker, Mental Health Advocate and Practitioner, Caurel is an inspiration to help anyone trust that they can overcome whatever they are dealing with and feel powerless to change!

With her story rooted in childhood trauma, Caurel  shares what it took for her to find the courage to face her pain and follow her path, regardless of the major obstacles, to become who she was meant to be today!

We discuss issues such as parent abandonment, feeling responsible for a parent's happiness, the shame, guilt and identity loss that some parenting styles inflict on us, and when you're feeling lost,  what you need to connect to your personal power to find your path and dare to follow to live the life you really want!

0:00    Welcome
0:32    Meet Caurel
1:18    Episode topics covered
2:44    Caurel as a child
4:31    We've done something wrong!
6:30    Parent abandonment
10:07  Caurel's trigger for childhood trauma
13:26  Feeling lost & the inner journey
17:38  Feeling responsible for our parents
22:59  What we want from our parents
25:43  Mending the broken pieces
30:38  People pleasing, shame and guilt
36:20  Surviving and free will
39:09  Overcoming powerlessness
50:35  Kickstart your own change
53:16  Re-parenting yourself
57:54  Caurel's resources
59:51  Closing

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Vonne Solis  0:00  
Welcome to another episode of Grief Talk. Everything you want to know about grief and more. I'm your host, Vonne Solis as an author, life transformation coach, online instructor and bereaved mom since 2005, I'll be bringing you great content that is informative, inspiring and practical. Whether you have suffered a loss or other adversity, stay tuned and tapped in as I cover a variety of topics to help you get where you want to go on your journey to heal and grow. 

Vonne Solis  0:32  
Today's guest is Caurel Richards. With her background living with complex PTSD rooted in childhood, Caurel founded In Divine Thyme Transformational Services in 2021. As an intuitive guide, empowerment speaker, mental health advocate and practitioner, Caurel coaches her clients through the pain of childhood trauma, to help them find direction and peace and transform their lives. Okay, so welcome to the show. Caurel. I am so happy that you're here. And we finally connected

Caurel Richards  1:06  
Hello everybody. All those beautiful souls on the other side. I'm happy that you're able to join myself today as we discuss trauma, and how it relates to grief as well.

Vonne Solis  1:18  
Yeah. So as I said in the introduction, so Caurel works with childhood trauma. So for my audience, I'm going to get right to it. Basically, we're going to be talking about childhood trauma as it relates to Caurel's experience today. But you know what? As I got to know you a little bit Caurel and talked about your story, millions and millions of people experience this in some way or another.

Vonne Solis  1:44  
We're going to be talking a little bit about abandonment and rejection and what that does to us, and specifically what it did to Caurel, as children because we just don't have the brain to deal with it. And then we're going to move into a lot of fun things. Fun. Like talking about what it's like to feel responsible for one or more of your parents. We're also going to be talking in this episode about people pleasing, and how you can lose your identity if you are a people pleaser. And then my favourite.  We're going to talk about how not to stay stuck. How to stay motivated if these issues have impacted you. And you're starting to deal with them as an adult. Starting to recognize them. Caurel is gonna help you learn to identify if you have had childhood trauma, and how to get motivated. So let's get to it Caurel. Let's start with me asking you, actually what did happen in your childhood that led you to have childhood trauma?

Caurel Richards  2:44  
That's always an interesting question to answer and only because there's so many instances. And I want to preface it to say, these probably weren't the intentions of my parents, right? We've since of course, reconciled and they honestly, we're doing the best that we could. So the way that I'm going to state it is from the standpoint of me. 

Caurel Richards  3:08  
Now, I've always known I was different in this world. From the moment I got here, I knew I was different. I was very outspoken. So the one thing that I recognize is that when I would speak up. When I would say what I felt what was on my heart as typical children do, it wasn't necessarily received well. Especially in the country that I'm from. You know, children are basically supposed to be seen and not heard. And I was the absolute opposite. I was seen and I was heard. 

Caurel Richards  3:38  
And after a while, you know, it got to the point where I recognized that the response to what I would probably say, wasn't the greatest response. You know, you don't really have a filter as a child. Being around children, they don't have a filter. But for a very long time, knowing this about myself and seeing the response that I got, I started to internalize a lot of the responses to mean something that was wrong with me, essentially. And then after a while, you know, people would start to disappear from my perspective. And that, in essence, caused me to start creating a story for myself. And I see your face.

Vonne Solis  4:23  
Yeah. So my question is, as a child, that's pretty astute to notice, quote, people disappearing. So could you give you an example of that?

Caurel Richards  4:31  
So when I said people would disappear, now on the other side of it, and as you had stated brilliantly in the beginning, we have a way of adding stories or creating our own narratives, right? So my mother and my father were very hardworking people. And they would go on trips. You know, they travelled back and forth to Jamaica, from the States. So, as a child, you know, you don't necessarily have a concept of time. You just know that you're here one moment and the next day they're not. 

Caurel Richards  5:00  
And for me being so heavily connected to my father, he left when I was about two, you know, to seek out a better life for us. And now, I didn't know that at two. And as a result, me already thinking, okay, something's already wrong with me, you start to attach these stories. And in attaching these stories, I said, I did something wrong, which is why he's no longer there.

Vonne Solis  5:24  
Right. I'm just going to expand on that really quick. Just jump in. Because I didn't have a parent that abandoned me in that way. And, and I am giving respect to all parents out there. I'm a big believer in they've done the best they could with what they, the tools they had. But there's a lot of people that you know, are pretty angry at their parents still, and I get it. 

Vonne Solis  5:47  
What triggered it for me is when you said you thought you had done something wrong and I was flashing back to the times I got spanked. And that's so difficult as a small child, when you have a large parent or anybody, you know, punish you and hurt you and almost violate you. Right? So I'm just throwing that in for the people that may not relate to, let's just call it abandonment physically, but punishment, or in any other way we feel demeaned by a parent, when we are these, I'm going to say innocent children. Who have no concept, as you said brilliantly, of time, or meaning really, of what's going on.

Caurel Richards  6:30  
Abandonment is so much of a spectrum too, you know? Abandonment, a parent could be in your life. They're present but they're not really present. They don't really know who you are. Yes, they pay the bills. Yes, you sit at the dinner table with them. But if they don't know who you are, and they're expecting you to show up as what you're not, that is also a form of abandonment. So it's not just not necessarily you know, leaving the home. They could be there in body. In present, but not actually be there to see who you are and honour who you are. So it's in essence, they're telling you to abandon yourself. And in abandoning yourself, that's where the abandonment wound also comes up.

Vonne Solis  7:11  
That is so important, because I think a lot of us do that with our children. And I'll say I probably did that also with my daughter. Who for the audience that doesn't know, died by suicide in July 2005, at the age of 22. Almost 18 years ago, and I carried an awful lot of guilt. I still carry some of it. Because I think what you just said, Caurel. I saw her the way I needed to see her. And I have talked to other parents. I'm not alone. We all, I won't say we all, but a majority of parents do this because we want them to be happy. And we think we know what's best for them to make them happy. And if there's one change that I could have made, I will just throw this in for parents listening, or in any relationship, it's listen. And give your child credit for being an intelligent, even sometimes really wise human being.

Vonne Solis  8:13  
So  when you lose a child, I'm just gonna throw this in. And every bereaved parent I met, we all found out something about our child that we didn't know. And how smart they were, or how in tune they were with with. So it's sort of counterintuitive what we just said, but I'm now talking older children. But even younger children are very in tune. They might not be able to understand meaning and time and all that. But they understand feelings and emotions. Right?

Caurel Richards  8:43  
That is what they understand. They're so feelings-oriented, logic isn't necessarily kicking in until they're about seven, so all they can do is feel. And imagine if all you can do is feel and then someone's telling you, hey, stop crying, Hey, stop feeling what you're feeling. Like, you're asking me to do something that is so impossible. I've recognized that with parents, they're basically going from what they never got. There's a bit of overcompensating. They're like, Okay, well, I never got this. So I have to give this to you. Not recognizing that the child in front of you doesn't necessarily want that.

Vonne Solis  9:19  
Yeah. And, and, and it can just, you know, escalate. If we already start with a parenting style like that. Where we're not listening. And, I mean, I raised my son quite a bit differently, who was, you know, nine and a half years younger than my daughter. And I've always felt myself as a guardian to him. And he's here to have his experience. And we guide in the best way we can. And let's just listen to our kids. So I'll ask you this. What was the key thing for you in looking back, or at the age that you identified yourself as having had childhood trauma? And was there an an, a trigger moment? Or was it an accumulation of things that had happened that you didn't understand?

Caurel Richards  10:07  
Ah, it wasn't a long time ago, to be honest with you. I would say, I had just moved to Canada. So I moved to Canada when I was about 28. And shortly after that, I finished school. I met a guy. I'd lost a family member. And as soon as I lost a family member, I also lost that relationship. So loss, essentially, triggered me knowing something was a little bit off. And when I say a little, it was a little bit off, something just didn't feel right. And I've been on this planet for so long. And I'm like, this can't be it. There has to be more to it. And I believe in that moment, when I said there has to be more, I started to have these flashbacks of things that I had experienced. Things that I had pushed away. Emotions that I had suppressed. And I broke down.

Vonne Solis  11:00  
Okay, okay.

Caurel Richards  11:02  
I cried for a good week and a half. Two weeks. I just could not stop crying.

Vonne Solis  11:09  
So the inner journey is often painful at the beginning. And quite often something at whatever age we're at, but I would say, if we come to an inner journey in our 20s, we're really lucky. Honestly, I do. And once you're on the inner journey, it never ends. You have just a more awareness and expansion in your thinking with the, you know, the toolbox that's getting bigger and bigger and bigger. 

Vonne Solis  11:38  
So it's not that the lessons get more horrific. They could. But we're challenged all the time, you know? Because it's just a fact of life. And so to become awakened, even if it is through pain, which it often is through pain, and sometimes suffering and you go, I've had enough or you know, whatever, that moment where you just No, no, no, it's actually can be seen as a beautiful thing, too. Because we can learn so much about ourselves. It's that moment you decide to connect to your inner self. And that's the moment of empowerment for me.

Caurel Richards  12:15  
Yeah, I absolutely agree too, you know. And to bring it back to that loss, I recognize with experiencing those two major losses, that, that triggered recognizing that I had lost my way. The fact that I was like, I'm almost 30 and I know I'm living. But am I really living up to my full potential? Am I truly living in the purpose that I'm here for? And I knew I, there was something that I'm supposed to be doing here. There's just this knowing. And when I'm like, lost, confused. A little bit bewildered. And I can't find my way out. And I am known to find my way out of everything, that's when I had to really look in because I think I was looking outside thinking everybody else is the problem. And the truth is, I've, I don't even want to say I was a problem. I was just disconnected. I was so disconnected from who I knew I was supposed to be that I was forced, essentially, it's like your heart breaks. Or it's at the at the point that your heart breaks is when you get back to your senses.

Vonne Solis  13:26  
I'd like to be speaking here a little bit to the younger generation because, you know, so many people are lost. It's, it's incredible. And it's natural, though, okay? Listen, we don't come here and go, Yeah, I know what I want to do. There are people, I'm going to acknowledge, there are people that you know, kind of know what they want to do as a profession. But connecting to the inner self is a very, very difficult, demanding job. It is it is it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. So it makes me question, excuse me, whether we all come here disconnected. We definitely all come here forgetting who we really are. But I love what you're saying about the disconnection because that's also a really, really great word for it. Disconnected from the truth of who we really are. And we need to figure that out for ourselves. And I'm talking here on on a much greater scale in terms of unconditional love. Unconditional, empathetic, compassionate human beings. This is I think that as we strive and losing my daughter brought me to this conclusion but at a much, much, much deeper level and awareness. It kind of went global. I had it for my kids. Didn't really have those things for myself. So you know, I was in tune with those or aligned with some of those feelings and emotions. But when she died, it expanded globally. 

Vonne Solis  15:03  
And I have been able to stand by, if the world functioned like this we could live here in peace. But I guess we're just not ready to do that as a human species. That's kind of getting off, but you know, topic a little bit. But not really, because connecting to your inner self helps you see this. It helps you change internally. And once we start changing internally, it affects like a domino, others. It affects who we bring into our life. We start drawing in like-minded people. And together, we create much bigger ripples or waves of change.

Caurel Richards  15:47  

Vonne Solis  15:47  
Yeah, it's so wonderful. So when you made this connection, and you go on your inner journey, and then you start to connect things from your childhood. I also just want to touch a little bit here on you know, you were, you were saying that you felt really responsibility responsible for your mom as well. And this is, this is something that a lot of us daughters, I don't know about sons, but I know daughters feel for their mom. And something, well, in my case, it was dysfunction and, and as my mom, she, she passed away in 2010. But as she was sort of in her 40s 50s, anyway, the and she was 26, when I was born. So she's actually the same age I was when I had my daughter. So I just naturally, as I became a mother, felt more and more responsible for my mom. And quite frankly, it did eat away at me after a while. She didn't ask me. I just want to say she never asked me to feel responsible for her.

Caurel Richards  15:53  
And that's the part. You said it. That is the part. There is this innate thing within us as women, that when we get into this world and think about it. You've been connected by an umbilical cord for at least nine months. Some less, some more. So you have this divine connection to this human being. This other person for that much longer. And then you come out into this world. And then do you expect that it's going to be where that cord just miraculously cuts to the core because the doctor cuts it? No, there is this spiritual cord that never gets cut and that's where that responsibility comes in. 

Caurel Richards  17:38  
At least for myself, I recognized that her anger was my anger. Her pain was my pain. And like you said, she didn't ask. But there's this innateness within us that it just happens that way. And I had to get to a point, and it was recently in December to be exact, that I had to cut that cord. And once I did that, I realized that she was having her own experience. And I was having my own. So there wasn't, Oh, well, if she's pissed off at someone else, or if she's going through a hard time, then I immediately have to scapegoat myself and say, Well, I'm the problem. I need to fix this. And that's not true.

Vonne Solis  18:21  
It is not true. It's not true. Has it been a journey for you? Like was it as simple as saying, I'm going to cut cords, however one chooses to cut cords, instant? Or has this been a journey for you to still let go of those feelings of responsibility?

Caurel Richards  18:37  
Yesterday was Mother's Day, right? I'm rebuilding this relationship with Mother's Day only because before it was, oh, this is something that you're expected to celebrate. And I got to a point where we weren't having a great relationship. And I just threw it out the window altogether. And now that we're rebuilding our relationship, and she sees me as me, because I think the struggle before is that she was always seeing me as a version that she wanted to see me as, and now that she has accepted me for me, I was still in a space of, I don't know what to do with this day. I am a little uncomfortable. I'm sitting in it, but I'm trying to figure out how do I navigate this day? Do I just jump right back in and celebrate it just because? Or do I create a new relationship with it. A new dynamic with it to figure out how I want to navigate it. And of course I pick the latter. So that's what I've been doing for the last couple of days, is like doing some introspection and figuring out those feelings that I had before. Those feelings of resentment, anger, disgust, just hate and that's just me being honest. Those are the feelings that I had towards her. And in doing that cord cutting ceremony, it was an actual ceremony, I recognized that the feelings that I had towards her were actually feelings that I had towards myself.

Vonne Solis  19:58  
Key point. That is so, so impacting what you just said. Wow. Okay. And the reason I'm sort of taking a little bit of a wow is, so it wasn't until I had to write my mom's eulogy that I realized all the things I wanted for her? You know, she really was happy living her life the way she was living it. So, if you're grappling with this kind of a relationship, and men, guys, if you're watching, and you have a similar type relationship with your father, because maybe guys sons do this with their father, they're for sure looking for acceptance. But in the end, it's it's so complicated. Our relationships are so so complicated with our parents and they don't need to be.

Vonne Solis  20:58  
I am a firm believer that we do come here to work things out on a soul level with our relationships. But I read a book many years ago. And in this book, the lady who worked in soul work, said that our more important relationships to work things out with in the family unit, are with our siblings. Not our parents. 

Caurel Richards  21:22  

Vonne Solis  21:22  
Yes. And it stuck with me, because as a parent, and I don't know if you're a parent Caurel, but I am a parent still of one. And I don't expect my son, and I honestly didn't expect my daughter, to be working anything out with me. If you really, if you really think about it, as a parent, you don't want that from your kids. So anyway, in this in the soul, soul group, the family type unit, that stuck with me that if you're going to have stuff to work out in your initial immediate family unit. I'm not talking about when you go on and get married, and then you have other issues and relationships and stuff to work out, it's generally with the siblings. And anyway, right or wrong, I don't want my son to have anything to work out with me. Do you know what I mean?

Caurel Richards  22:13  
Whether or not you want him to or not, if he's going to, he's going to, right? I think the the struggle that I had was I needed her to apologize. I needed my father to apologize. And when I let go of that need for them to do that, it happened on its own. And it happened in its own little way. And this is, I'm telling you, the recording that we're doing right now is perfectly time because I am 36. And when your mother calls you yesterday, at 36, to say how proud she is of the woman that you've become? That 36 year old, she goes right back to being that three year old.

Vonne Solis  22:59  
Yes! Yes. But that's what I'm saying is at any age, certainly we want our parents' love and approval. As daughters, we want that from both mom and dad. But yes, there is a different relationship, I think, between sons and dads, daughters and mothers. I struggled a lot with my daughter. We had a very contentious, you know, like normal. Sometimes we just got on each other's nerves and other times we snuggled up together and you know, watched, you know, TV. So and I'm not alone in this. Many, many, many mothers are going to go through a period where they're going to have a little bit of this, you know

Caurel Richards  23:40  
tug of war?

Vonne Solis  23:41  
Yeah, thanks. It's not conflict, really. It's just tug of war. And I think it's just finding your place in the relationship and the home and so on and so forth. But, you know, I was estranged from my dad for 18 years. So I'm just, to your point about going back to childhood. And four months after my daughter died in 2005, there was a family reunion. My sister organized it and a bunch of us went and we reconnected with my father who was 81 at the time. And in a, in a nursing home at this point. He had all his faculties. But he had Parkinson's and he ended up in a in a nursing home. 

Vonne Solis  24:16  
When we reconnected there was a moment at a luncheon. This was probably about my second or third visit to him that that week. I just had one week and I saw him as many times as I could with my husband and my son. And we were sitting on the couch together and he tapped my knee. And you know, he just said everything is good. My little girl is home again. And I went back to being that kid that was beaming. Why? Because I was terrified to see my dad, because I thought my dad would judge me as being a really bad mom because my daughter had chosen to end her life. Now, that's a pretty big loaded issue. But the point I'm making is, it can be on a really micro level that your parent didn't tell you they loved you enough. Or they weren't what you expected them to be. And again, this mind that's just trying to make sense of feeling safe and secure. 

Caurel Richards  25:29  

Vonne Solis  25:30  
And it can complicate us for the rest of our lives unless we do something about it. Would you not agree?

Caurel Richards  25:39  
Yeah, absolutely. The mind is very powerful.

Vonne Solis  25:43  

Caurel Richards  25:43  
Even just sitting here, we're having a very conscious conversation. But in the end, who runs the show, is your subconscious mind. And if your subconscious mind is filled with beliefs, stories that's telling you that you're unworthy. That's telling you that you're unlovable. That's telling you that you're not enough, you're going to show up that way. And is it true? It's not true. It's just that the way that you experienced life when you were a kid, with the limited resources, those are the things you told yourself. Because, like I said, you're working with limited resources. And it's a part of the journey. Like you're saying that we come here for a reason. We come here to, to deal with things on a soul level. And I wholeheartedly believe that. I believe that we even choose the parents that we choose to go with you through these experiences.

Caurel Richards  26:32  
Like there's certain parents, I knew I wouldn't choose because I probably wouldn't have learned these lessons. And in learning these lessons I become, and I became I'll say, closer to the version of me that, not to say I don't accept the other versions, I'm closer to that version that I'm here to be. Because I have a purpose. You have a purpose.

Vonne Solis  26:53  
Oh, for sure.

Caurel Richards  26:53  
And the longer I take to show up as that version and love myself through the broken pieces, is the longer that I'm not going to be able to show up as that person.

Vonne Solis  27:03  
What's really beautiful Caurel, and audience about purpose, is that purpose can evolve. So while you may have the framework for it, and it will evolve, and it has to evolve, because the, the more you get in touch with it as we age, and we get more life experiences, we start to interpret and absorb information in a much more expanded way. And then our messaging evolves. It's not that it changes, especially if you're really tapped into the essence of the purpose, right? But it will evolve the more you learn. Whatever we're doing, for me, and I think Caurel as well, the goal and what I'm hearing in this, in your experience, is getting in touch with your authenticity. That's the only way you can get in touch with your purpose by the way. You're not going to find purpose if you're not authentic with yourself. And that means inner work. Inner connection before any outer connection. Because you can't even really have great relationships unless you've got a great relationship with yourself.

Caurel Richards  28:15  
Oh, trust me, I've tried it. I'm just like, look, let's focus on everybody else. And then maybe you know, and that's where the people pleasing comes in is where if you meet everybody else's need, they love you. They'll love you. But the moment that you stop meeting those needs, then they get to see the real you. Then all of a sudden, it's too much, right? But the truth is, if you've never really showed them who you are, how do they know? How do they know? So you're actually doing yourself a disservice by not being authentic. And I recognize that the biggest struggle, the number one struggle in terms of being authentic, is that self-acceptance piece. Great. We are aware? Wonderful. But if you cannot even accept those messy parts of yourself, then you are not going to be able to show up with those messiness. You won't.

Vonne Solis  29:08  
So I'm going to say one thing, and then I'm going to ask you, from your perspective and your generation, why you think it's so hard. And I am using a little bit of generation because, like in my generation, we've grown up and I don't know, we never talked about this kind of stuff. So I do think today, like it was very, very, I started metaphysics and all that in the early 80s. For people who know Deepak Chopra, I believe I have one of his first books. And at the time, you know, he was a cardiologist and making sort of the connection between what's going on mentally, emotionally and spiritually causes heart attacks.

Caurel Richards  29:47  

Vonne Solis  29:48  
And his book is in my little bookshelf there because it was so authentic. And we have to be very, very careful the bigger we get, if that's what we're going after, the more impacting our messages become, that we stay true to the authenticity. Because it changes people when you start changing, you know, chasing the dollar. But what you're saying about this people pleasing, the self-acceptance. So my question is, there are a lot of resources available to access now on personal power and manifesting and intention. Far more than there were 40 years ago. So why do you think it's still so difficult to accept ourselves, even with all the tools available? Resources available?

Caurel Richards  30:38  
It's not about everybody else. It's not about these personal development courses. It's, it's never been about that. There is a thing called shame. There is a thing called guilt. And those are very powerful feelings. Guilt and shame tells you that you're unworthy. I'm actually in the middle of doing a series right now, where most of my life I heard I was too loud. I was too too, fill in the blank. I'm too sensitive. I'm too empathetic. I'm too nice. I'm too lazy. I'm too, all of the above. And when you hear that, as a child, as a human being, you're hearing that something's wrong with you. And if that's the narrative that is playing in your head constantly, that something is wrong with you, no matter how many personal development courses you do, that's running. And it's blocking anything else from coming in. So the thing that makes it hard is that we think something is wrong with us for the things that actually make us who we are. 

Caurel Richards  31:42  
Now, I'm very empathetic. I am very loud. I'm very outspoken. But those are the things that make me, me. So if all your life the things that make you you, somebody's telling you, something's wrong with you, then why do you think you're going to love yourself? Why do you think you're going to honour who you are? Why do you think you're going to accept who you are? It's changing that narrative thinking that there's something wrong with you for the things that are actually what made you, you.

Vonne Solis  32:08  
So are you saying that people are really pressured to change the things about them that make them, them?

Caurel Richards  32:17  
Yeah. So when someone says you're too outspoken, it just means that you have a lot to say, and you're actually probably making sense. And it's just that they may not be comfortable with what you're saying. So, and I'm speaking from experience, I had a lot to say. And maybe what I had to say wasn't probably said in a kind way. But now that I've learned how to compassionately speak and understand that hey, words have power. I no longer am silent. I just now am very mindful of how I speak to people. So it's not that I turn away from my greatest gift, I own that gift now. I have just honed in on it. But a lot of people are so shameful of the things that make them them, that no matter how much personal development you do, if you are shameful of the things that make you you, you're not going to show up.

Vonne Solis  33:12  
So this is obviously coming from somewhere. We opened up with the parent child relationship. I don't want to blame parents. I don't. Do you think this shame comes from the parenting we received?

Caurel Richards  33:26  
It's a combination. I believe it's from society. You know? There isn't one woman. There isn't one man. There isn't one human being. But society sets it up where the expectation is that all women should be the same. Oh, you should be feminine. You should be this. It's the should. They, they're just should-ing on you. Right? Men should be this. People should be this. And when you are not that thing, you interpret that okay, well, something's wrong with me because I'm not that thing. And I don't actually want to be that thing. But if I'm going to survive in this world, I should be that thing. So you go as far as to please the other people to belong. And that's just human nature. To belong.

Vonne Solis  34:11  
Yes. I would agree with that. 100%. Because there's safety in numbers and the brain looks for safety.

Caurel Richards  34:19  

Vonne Solis  34:20  
So talking about this, so I think you're right. I actually agree because if you look at any marginalized group today, or minority, I still actually consider women to an extent marginalized, you know? I'm careful what I say. But as a woman, I get to say that. So I want to touch really briefly on people pleasing because there are a lot of people pleasers. What is your message to other people about people pleasing until the point you might drop? What is it, what what does it get you in the immediate and how can it harm you being a people pleaser?

Caurel Richards  35:04  
You started this conversation saying that a lot of us are lost. And the truth is a lot of us are lost because we are pleasing everybody else. We're living for everybody else but ourselves. You know that when you made that decision to go to that job every day that you don't want to go. Yes, you need to survive. You need to pay those bills. However, is that truly where you're supposed to be going? Is that the job that you're supposed to be doing? It's asking yourself those questions, am I actually doing things that I, are actually pleasing to me? And when you ask yourself that question, and you already know it's going to push back. It is going to push back to say, but how else am I supposed to survive? But how much longer do you want to survive? Like, surviving is the bare minimum.

Vonne Solis  35:55  
Yes. Yes.

Caurel Richards  35:58  
The bare minimum. We are not in hunter gatherer times anymore. We are not out. And the lions are not going to come and eat us. We actually can protect ourselves. We are very, very self-sufficient. So that thought of oh, I just need to survive, it may have worked in the past, but it's definitely not working right now.

Vonne Solis  36:20  
Right. Yeah. I think a lot of people are in survival mode, though still. Would you agree?

Caurel Richards  36:26  
Oh, absolutely.

Vonne Solis  36:27  
Because it's like what we were talking about a little bit earlier. You can't really claim who you really are, unless you get out of survival mode. Because connecting with yourself at that deep level requires introspection. It requires thought. It requires the exact opposite of what the brain does for us in survival. Which is just basically react. Meet the basic needs, and do it all over again tomorrow.

Caurel Richards  36:58  
Yeah. You're just existing, essentially.

Vonne Solis  37:01  

Caurel Richards  37:02  
There's this thing that we were given called free will. Choice.

Vonne Solis  37:05  
Yeah. Yeah.

Caurel Richards  37:06  
You know? And if you're in survival mode, you're not actually living with free will. You're actually just a zombie. So you're worried about the zombie apocalypse? It's already here. It's been here for a while.

Vonne Solis  37:22  
That's funny. So let's speak really quickly to those people today that are living like that. Maybe have a little bit of a gnawing feeling within them. A little bit of a an itch to scratch. Yeah, like, I want more for my life but they don't know because they're lost, okay? They're lost. They're doing the grind. They're going to the job that they either are just tolerating or really don't like. But you know, you can feel within, even if you haven't connected to something more in your life, you can feel within when it starts. That awakening, right? That little bit of a like, I'm not sure how it felt for you Caurel, but it feels like. Well you explain what you think it feels like. For me, it's like there's something there. It is a part of the confusion. But I've often said, it's those moments that frustrate us. That confine us. That, you know, challenge us. Those are the moments the doors can open for our growth and expansion. Little step by little step. But how did it feel for you when, because it's one thing. The reason I want to talk about this briefly is because it's one thing to acknowledge as we are here, and I've been in the situation doing a job I didn't like to pay the bills.

Caurel Richards  38:47  

Vonne Solis  38:48  
A lot of people have. So how did you handle that in whatever you were doing in your life, when you really took the leap? Your very first leap and go, I'm going after this. There's, no! I'm done. I'm going off the cliff.

Caurel Richards  39:05  
Um, for me, I felt powerless.

Vonne Solis  39:08  

Caurel Richards  39:09  
I felt really powerless. I was in a job that every day I got up, I'm like, I'm not going. And my friend is like, you have to go. And I'm like, No, I don't. And every day I would find a reason not to go. And when I would go, I mean, I'd do my best to get through the nights. But I'm like, this can't continue. One particular night, I had just left the gym. And I'm like, I can't do this anymore. And in that very moment, my work permit had expired. It actually was rejected by the Canadian government. And as a result of that, I could no longer, I was no longer eligible to work here in Canada. So they fired me with cause. And in that moment, the level of excitement that I had? I'm like, Yes! This is it. Everybody's looking at me like, What do you mean, this Is it? Like you just got fired.

Vonne Solis  40:08  
Yes. Yeah. That's amazing.

Caurel Richards  40:12  
Yeah. And at that moment, I was like, This is my chance. This is my chance to do things differently. It may not make sense to everybody else, but in the end, they're going to be on board when they recognize what I felt. What I knew. Because I, I just have a knowing. And I just have to go with that knowing. 

Vonne Solis  40:32  

Caurel Richards  40:32  
It might not make logical sense, but that knowing is enough for me to push forward. And that, it transformed me from feeling powerless to feeling powerful. And the person that's sitting in front of you today is that version. Is powerful. Is knowing that free will isn't just free will. It's, you have this innate ability to be, and to do the things that you're supposed to be doing. Not what you're told to do. There's this freedom that comes with that. There is this, I'm no longer living in a space of reacting. I'm actually responding to life. I'm observing life. And in observing, I choose what's the best direction for me.

Vonne Solis  41:23  
Yeah, you're you're making really, really important points and stuff I talk about too. There's a difference, huge difference between one surviving and living and reacting and responding. Taking the time to be thoughtful. But if I could just for a moment, I love that you shared with us that one, your work permit expired. Two, you got fired. And so people just listen for a second here. You can be fired and find opportunity in that. So when you feel like the rug is being pulled out from under your feet, if you could just briefly Caurel, tell us what happened next. You don't really have to have to go into a lot of detail because people are going to go, could go, Yeah, well, she went from being fired to now she's living the life that she really wants that's going to keep on expanding. But a lot of people miss the steps that happened. So I'll ask you, when your work permit was rejected, did it mean you needed to leave the country? How did you actually end up getting back on your feet?

Caurel Richards  42:27  
So that work permit situation did not get resolved for another three years. So for three years, I was out of status. For three years, I had to figure out how to provide for myself outside of Canada. So I've always been a freelancer. I've always had different skills. So what I had to eventually do is to offer my skills outside of Canada because legally, I can't work for a Canadian company. But I could work for another company outside of Canada. Which is what I eventually went back to, because that's something that I've always done. So during that, those three years.

Vonne Solis  43:09  

Caurel Richards  43:09  
I learned one, patience. 

Vonne Solis  43:12  

Caurel Richards  43:12  
I learned skills that I never thought I would need for where I am right now. So I'm saying this all basically to say that so many times we're focused on what's not working. The bad that has happened. The things that we're not getting, that we're missing out on the things that are actually sitting there waiting for us to see. To just take a hold of. To lean into. I was forced and I say this again, I was forced to have patience. It was in that moment that I truly learned patience, and I truly understood that you know what? The power that I have to attract the things that I need in my life? That is when I got my permanent residency. It was one of those days and I remember, October the 28th 2021, I was overjoyed.

Vonne Solis  44:06  
Yeah. Congratulations, by the way.

Caurel Richards  44:09  
Thank you.

Vonne Solis  44:10  
Yeah, congratulations. And then it's just up, it's uphill. You're not, you're not peaking obviously yet. None of us are peaking. 

Caurel Richards  44:17  

Vonne Solis  44:17  
The point, I think that we want to make and thank you for sharing that Caurel, because a lot of people don't want to talk about, Ooh, things that you know, happened to them that were sort of viewed negatively or whatever. But it's you're the first guest I've actually had on that's you know, talked about, you know, immigration, if you will. That, the part of it that I live here I'm Canadian, I don't deal with that. But thank you for sharing that because work permit rejected. Can't work here. What? And this is like, this is this can be even traumatic a bit, you know, at minimum. A little bit of a jolt to have to deal with. And so thank you for sharing that and in that context.

Vonne Solis  45:01  
The point I want to make to the audience and that you're talking about here Caurel, is it happens in steps. But the moment, drawing on the connection you have to the power you have within you. The ability. I call it personal power, but it's the ability to take that next step. To attract an opportunity that might not get you from A to Zed. Z, however you want to say it in one day, hich is where the patience comes in. But you can keep yourself on track. Let me ask you this. Did you intuitively know, when you were faced with choices, if you were faced with more than one at a time, which one was going to keep you on track and which one was easier and going to take you another direction?

Caurel Richards  45:50  
I feel like you're in my head. There was a point where I had to hire a lawyer. And I remember saying to the lawyer that, and because I applied for my permanent residency through a nomination, which requires me to have a job. Now at the time, I didn't have a job. So she's like, Okay, well, you need to go get a job now that you have a work permit that allows for you. Even though it's limited, you can still actually apply for a job. And I told her no. I said, I am not applying for another job. I am starting a business. I have the documents I have whatever I need to start that business. We are going to apply with my business. And she said to me, are you sure? She's like this is risky. I said, I am certain of it. And that was my intuitive guidance that said, Hey, girl, no, you're not working for another person for the rest of your life.

Vonne Solis  46:42  
That is so amazing. And so, it takes courage. I am not, and I'm sure you're not Caurel, suggesting to anyone that this is an easy road to stay true to who you are, and your purpose. And there are uphills and downhills, and we're forced to take action. Some of it often that we're terrified to take. I'm certainly not going to go into my story here. But it did involve a disability. It did involve a move across Canada. It did involve doing things that terrified me. But part of that also played in because I still had loss of identity. And I didn't know I had lost my ability to recognize my own powers of manifestation within me.

Caurel Richards  47:32  

Vonne Solis  47:33  
So that is another topic for another day. But that can happen to us. No matter how great you've been manifesting your life, if you're knocked to your feet, or your butt or whatever, flat on the floor. For me, that's what happened. And I couldn't recognize my own power within me. You know, I couldn't dream. I couldn't envision. And even today, I'm going to admit for the audience that can relate, I still can't see very far in the future. When you intend and you know, and yes, lots of actual coaches and that, picture yourself three years from now, you know, whatever. One year from now, and maybe you haven't run into that, but that's part of some people's practice. And so in order to intend from my practice, and you know how originally this stuff all started, you know, decades ago, you gotta see. You gotta envision in the mind what you want. Then you intend. Then you trust. Then you manifest it, because thoughts become things and all of this stuff. Decades old and old stuff. 

Vonne Solis  48:32  
So if you're in a position that, well, I don't know what I want, because I don't yet know what I can do. Because I don't yet quite know how powerful I am. Or that I'm worthy of this and deserving of this. And I will be totally upfront and admit, all of this happened to me, because of all of the shame. So we're actually coming full circle, that I felt as a result of my daughter taking her life and feeling responsibility for it. 

Vonne Solis  49:02  
So wherever these feelings come from, childhood, you know, and any number of issues that can impact as such as you were talking about earlier Caurel, and you've pointed out pretty sure a few times here about the shame. Wherever the shame comes from, it limits us in ways that we have to deal with it in order to sort of let the floodgates open and all the gold come into our life. The gold being the opportunities. It doesn't have to be money. And that's another thing I am very, very vocal about, is we too often culturally, you know, define success by money. What you have. Maybe even probably what you do. But when you're claiming your authentic life in whether that's self business. Whether it's changing careers, going to school, moving to another country. Whatever you're called to do that is that innate knowing that I need to do this to to eventually take the next step that eventually is going to take us where you look back and you go, I can't believe I'm doing this. And often, we're afraid. And as they say, it's good to be a little bit nervous and maybe even a little bit fearful about your next step, because it means that you're on the right path.

Caurel Richards  50:26  
It means that you're alive. 

Vonne Solis  50:28  

Caurel Richards  50:28  
If you look at that, the heart monitor, if you're just flat

Vonne Solis  50:33  

Caurel Richards  50:34  
then you're dead.

Vonne Solis  50:35  
Yeah. And so all I'm saying is, well, no, let me rephrase that. What's the one thing Caurel, we could talk forever, and we can't, but we're giving people just enough of a glimpse into connecting to their authenticity. Their personal power. Their own skills. Their own ability to at least kickstart their life in the direction that they want it to go, if they are not happy with it today, or they're ready for more. You can be content with your life But the moment you start to feel frustrated, or I liken them to growing pains, recognizing them and instead of being afraid of them, honour them and question them and going, Okay, where am I taking me?

Caurel Richards  51:21  

Vonne Solis  51:22  
Because you are taking yourself on a journey. What tips would you have for people listening right now and being in that place? To sort of scratch the itch? What's the one or two things that they could do to have the guts to kickstart a change?

Caurel Richards  51:40  
I mean, I think you harped on it even just asking your question. It's owning your stuff. You know? That owning it. Because no matter how much you push it away, it's still there. Right? So I think in owning it, you're allowing yourself to be. And there's one thing about acceptance. It's just in the being. It's not in the doing. So when you ask me what are some of the tips? It's not about doing anything. It's really about just being who you are and understanding that the shame is just that. It's the shame. It's not you that's shameful. You know, how they say the problem is the problem? The shame is the shame. The shame isn't you. The shame just happens to be something that exists because you exist.

Vonne Solis  52:25  
I really love that. The shame is just the shame. So in order for people to really digest that, though, a lot of people do feel shameful about whatever.

Caurel Richards  52:32  

Vonne Solis  52:33  
You know, because anything that happens bad to us as kids, as we already talked about, we think it's our fault. You know. And this will be abuse. This will be a whole bunch of anything. And so a lot of us come from that dysfunction, which can be very, very traumatic for us. And it it may or may not turn into PTSD. It may or may not trigger things. You may just go, Yeah, well, you know, as I did. That's the way it was. I chose not to focus on the childhood dysfunction in my adult life. But what I'm saying is, unless we face all this stuff and this is what you're saying to Caurel, we don't allow those moments to open up for us and then evolve naturally, the truer we stay

Caurel Richards  53:14  

Vonne Solis  53:15  
to those moments.

Caurel Richards  53:16  
Absolutely. It is giving yourself the thing that you needed that first time that it happened. In that moment, what would you have needed? It's asking yourself that and giving that to yourself. Because essentially you're just re-parenting yourself. And most of us, unfortunately, have to re-parent ourselves. Re-parent ourselves in a way that we have control over. It's not the blame game anymore. Because the blame game just keeps you stuck.

Vonne Solis  53:44  
I just want to ask one thing before we turn to your resources, Caurel. And this has been a wonderful conversation. When you say that the shame is just the shame or any other negative thing, you know? How can we disconnect from it and really, really believe that?

Caurel Richards  54:01  
Yeah. It's something that happened on its own. Strangely enough, there's a photo I have, I've seen a couple of times. I even have it in my phone of the, I think, she was less than a year old. She being me. And I was on the couch with my grandmother. And I looked at that photo, and it's almost cemented in my mind right now. And I could just see the pureness which was me. The pureness without the heartache, without the pain without the trauma. And that is how I was able to just see, Hey, before all of that happened, I was so pure. Like, those are just experiences. Those are just things. They don't change who you are at your core. I'm still that little girl. I'm still pure. Those things that I've experienced are so separate from me. And in just looking at myself and just observing that little girl, I was like, Man, I want to get back to that. It's almost like it propels you into doing that very thing. And I used to say, do the work, but it's just loving that little girl, despite all those things that she has experienced. Because if we are so focused on the things that we have experienced, we're going to stay a victim to that. But if you could reconnect to that pureness, which was that little girl, that little boy, it blows my mind every time I look at her.

Vonne Solis  55:27  
That is so good. I actually have a picture of myself at about one as well. And so audience if you can find the earliest picture of yourself? This does really work to look and love, love, love that little child. Because that's you.

Caurel Richards  55:48  
That's the same thing I said. I'm like, Oh, my God. That's me! Because we're so consumed by the things that we've experienced that we forget that outside of that, we are, that's you.

Vonne Solis  56:00  
I know and Caurel, we came spirit, soul, right? Energy. All of what we came in that is expressed in the innocence of us in our earliest photo, right? It's still here. It's in our hearts. It's in us. That is who we are. And that is what we want to get back to just obviously, having refined it with all of our lived experience and wisdom we've acquired. That's how I want to leave the planet Caurel. Because I don't want the, you know, experiences, none of which have, you know, trapped me, like the death of my daughter. All of the other ones, Ya, I'm good.

Caurel Richards  56:48  

Vonne Solis  56:50  
So I obviously needed that experience, if we choose our experiences, well my daughter and I did choose that one together, but you know, to help me elevate my consciousness to the point that I can leave the planet as pure as I possibly can. Not saying it's going to be like it was when I came into the world as a babe. But the goal is to, you know, be as compassionate and empathetic and with as much love for myself and all I have experienced when I leave as when I came in. And I invite the audience to think about that for themselves as well.

Caurel Richards  57:29  
Yeah, it's loving yourself in spite of everything.

Vonne Solis  57:33  
Yes. Yes. On that note, very special moment there Caurel, I want to just turn quickly to your resources now and the type of clients you work with. What you specialize in. Although I will be having links to your website.

Caurel Richards  57:54  
The people that I essentially work with are just ready to reconnect to that sense of self. That little girl, that little boy. Predominantly that little girl, but I'm open, because I know I'm supposed to be open to whatever flows to me. Essentially, I'm just here for you to be able to connect back to that sense of self. Your authentic self. And we've gone through this conversation for the last hour, and I'm telling you, you are worthy. You are so worthy of being able to show up as you. All of you. Every single part of you. You are here to transform the world. Your own world. And if you need help with that, I'm your girl.

Vonne Solis  58:43  
Imagine what this world would be like, if everyone felt worthy. You know, deserving, and had love for themselves to the degree they could feel it for someone else if they're people pleasers. And just to honour themselves and that's my work is all about that as well. Yeah. So we're very aligned that way, Caurel. So you're is it?

Caurel Richards  59:14  
So it's in divine thyme. And that's or instagram you can find me at in divine thyme. Same spelling.

Vonne Solis  59:26  
So again, I'll have those links below. We covered quite a lot here just to get people thinking. I'm all about just, you know, inviting people to feel inspired. And if something that has been said impacts you in a way that you know, invites you to make an immediate change or at least start thinking about change then we've done our job.

Caurel Richards  59:50  

Vonne Solis  59:51  
I want to thank you so much Caurel. Yes, yeah, for coming on my show and sharing your experience and your professionalism and your you know, wisdom with us. 

Caurel Richards  1:00:03  

Vonne Solis  1:00:04  
Thanks again.

Meet Caurel
Episode topics covered
Caurel as a child
We've done something wrong!
Parent abandonment
Caurel's trigger for childhood trauma
Feeling lost & the inner journey
Feeling responsible for our parents
What we want from our parents
Mending the broken pieces
People pleasing, shame and guilt
Surviving and free will
Overcoming powerlessness
Kickstart your own change
Re-parenting yourself
Caurel's resources