Grief Talk w/ Vonne Solis

Ep. 34 Coaching Lesson 13: Finding Relief – Stepping Through to the Other Side

April 12, 2023 Vonne Solis Season 2 Episode 34
Grief Talk w/ Vonne Solis
Ep. 34 Coaching Lesson 13: Finding Relief – Stepping Through to the Other Side
Show Notes Transcript

Relief is not necessarily something we think about for ourselves. I learned about it in therapy. It changed my life.

In this last coaching episode from the Get Me Started! online course in the Beyond Bereavement series, learn the importance of relief in your grief recovery and healing or when healing from any adversity, and how to implement it into your life.

This episode covers finding relief in small wins,  appreciating your past accomplishments, the risk you're willing to take to change, PTSD and survival mode and 5 tips to stay in the flow against the pressures we all face to be who we're not!

There are links below with offers to your free PDF journal download, course discount and other resources.

0:00    Welcome
0:13    Introduction
1:04    Relief as small wins
3:11    Stepping through to the other side
5:26    Accomplishments and choice
7:43    Risk and adversity
9:19    Change - Jumping off the cliff
12:51  PTSD and survival
16:22  Tips to stay in the flow
21:30  Key Takeaway
21:51  Closing

BOOKS (by Vonne Solis)
“Lessons in Surviving Suicide – A Letter to My Daughter”
“Divine Healing Transforming Pain into Personal Power – A Guide to Heal Pain From Child Loss, Suicide and Other Grief”
“The Power of Change”

RESOURCES (Blog, Course & Meditations)

Personal JOURNAL (free PDF download)

COURSE Discount


Start at Lesson 1: Regrets: Letting them go! Audio or YouTube

Go to previous Lesson 12:  Gratitude = Joy = More Gratitude Audio or YouTube  

Subscribe to the podcast! Share episodes that you like. Connect with me on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Vonne Solis  0:00  
Welcome to another Grief Talk Coffee Chat episode. I'm your host, Vonne Solis.

Vonne Solis  0:13  
Welcome to coaching episode Lesson 13: Finding Relief: Stepping Through to the Other Side. This is the last coaching episode in the Beyond Bereavement series. And I thank you for any of those who have stayed with me through the entirety of the 13 lessons. This is going to bring it all home for you. 

Vonne Solis  0:34  
So in the last coaching episode on Gratitude = Joy = More Gratitude, Lesson 12, you can't feel relief without feeling some kind of gratitude. So relief feels like a respite from anything that is feeling burdensome, distressing, or unpleasant for us. No matter how small or big. It instantly changes our energy to feel more joy, comfort and gratitude. 

Vonne Solis  1:04  
So I didn't really know the importance of relief until I was working with a cognitive therapist, and was told to incorporate it as part of my healing practice. So I had to think a little bit about what relief meant to me and how I was going to find it going about my daily life. At that time I was on a disability. I had a lot of time at home to pick and choose what I wanted to do. How I wanted to fill my time. And the moment I started making choices based entirely on what would feel the most comforting. You know, that would bring me the most relief in that moment that's how I made my choices. 

Vonne Solis  1:49  
Of course, when we're working and having you know, to meet all sorts of obligations, we have to modify how we adopt the practice of bringing relief into our life a little bit differently, and maybe only snatching moments of it. But the results are still the same. The more that you can identify those things in your life that are going to bring you the feeling of relief, no matter for how long, the more you will become in tune with your body and make choices on how you want to feel and be in that particular moment. And I would encourage you in terms of thinking about relief, in small wins. Moments, an hour, hours, a day. Because we're obviously going to be creating these periods of relief when things are challenging us that feel distressing, uncomfortable, unpleasant and burdensome. But the more we recognize those feelings in us and going, what would I do? What could I do differently in this moment? Even if it's changing your thoughts, that will bring me some relief, the more you're going to experience bigger wins and longer periods of relief. 

Vonne Solis  3:11  
But first, what is stepping to the other side? This lesson is called Finding Relief: Stepping Through to the Other Side. So a little bit about that. If you're familiar with the term, you know, we don't hear it that often, but people will say, see you on the other side. I first heard it when I went on disability. And I had to leave my then job. I was working four days a week. And ultimately at that point, I was working all four of them at home. And this was pre-pandemic. This was back in about 2015. And my then manager said to me as I was carting the last of my, you know, things out of my office, see you on the other side. And I had no clue what he meant. And I just sort of, okay. And I thought about that basically all the way home and I thought, what it, what does that mean? Stepping through to the other side? And I hadn't yet gotten in touch with this practice of finding relief in my life. So my head was pretty muddled. My mind was pretty muddled with the anxiety, the stress and the whole reason for my disability, which was rooted in, you know, living with PTSD. And made me think quite a bit about what I wasn't getting about understanding what the other side was. What did it look like? How would I know? How would I even know if I got to the other side? But most importantly, what was it going to be for me? 

Vonne Solis  4:47  
So this journey took me through understanding that because my mind was so muddied, and because I couldn't envision any outcome for my future. I was having a lot of trouble intending things for my life at the time. Basically, I was surviving living one day at the time. I just had to trust the process, and go with whatever was happening with me on a daily basis in that early period of disability. And just have the faith that the journey was going to take me where ultimately, I needed to go. And I would recognize I had reached the other side. And it did happen for me. 

Vonne Solis  5:26  
So one of the things I found that was very important to my healing journey at the time, which was about 10 years after the suicide of my daughter, who was 22, when she took her life in 2005, was being able to start with taking stock of all of my accomplishments past, present. And having the confidence, if you will, the faith that I could create those same types of accomplishments or, and, and even more going into the future. And this is very important, because if we know what we're capable of, it makes it a lot easier to intend and manifest changes in our life. It's very important to be in tune with your body, with your mind, with your emotions, to understand what you're capable of doing. And bringing into your life at at any given time, in bereavement and in any other kind of adversity in your life. And understand everything that's going to be required of you when you need to step up to the plate when you do create more responsibility, bigger changes really more of anything in your life. 

Vonne Solis  6:39  
So being able to start with being cognizant of the choices that you're making, that will always bring you the greatest amount of relief, and of course, as I said, this is especially terrific when you have the time to really decide this all day long, because you only have yourself to answer to, I'm telling you, this will actually help you if you are having problems intending or you don't even have an intention practice. It will help you very quickly start to regain the skills that you need and the mindset you need to trust in your ability to have the life that you want. That you can embrace the life that you want at any given moment in your healing journey. And speaking of journey, the process of change actually, is the journey. It's not the outcome itself. And I think that is key to remember in any transformational process. Change is never the outcome of anything that you may desire, or even be chasing. 

Vonne Solis  7:43  
Sometimes change requires that we have to take a bigger risk than we are comfortable with taking. So that's why change isn't as easy. And when you look at all the manifestation practices that are out there, they're all good. They're they're great. Anything that is teaching us to change our mindset, embrace new ideas, build our confidence, build our trust. You know, try new things. Embellish our skills and so on. Ultimately not be afraid of being more than we are today, a lot of it requires us to to go into the unknown. In fact, almost all of it requires us to step into the unknown, and take some risks. 

Vonne Solis  7:43  
So you have to be aware of how willing you are to decide your own level of adversity you may be facing when it comes to any risk associated with change. Big or small. And often in the unforeseen in terms of quote, unquote, what the universe is going to deliver to us. Which may be a lot different than what we've been actually asking for, or imagining in our mind. So how do you do this? Well, what I'll just call here, your inner radar is your best guide. And that is listening to your heart. Listening to your gut instinct. Neither, which will steer you in the wrong direction. It's also being in tune with your mind, body and spirit at all times. 

Vonne Solis  9:19  
So going back to my period of disability as an example, that was one of the riskiest things I had to do in my life in my bereavement. And I had been putting it off. The more I had reduced my hours. Reduced, you know, going into the office. Until I reached a point essentially, where disability was the only thing left for me. I was terrified. Because I, you know, was unsure if the claim was going to be approved. It felt like an enormous mountain to have to do the paperwork, the application, go to all the doctor visits and so on. And ultimately, not having a clue what was going to come out of all of this experience. What was I going to do at the end of it? Because it did have a finite period. What was going to be required of me to change in my life given that I couldn't really dream, or imagine a future for myself? So it was really, really scary and risky for me to jump off that cliff. And I'm sure you have felt scared too, and feeling at great risk, when any kind of decision is forcing you to make a change in your life that feels like jumping off the cliff. 

Vonne Solis  10:33  
So what did I do? Well, and here's what you can do, too. I started with just the littlest decisions each day that brought me relief. It could be as simple as choosing what Netflix show do you want to watch today? Do you want to watch Netflix? Do you want to read? Do you want to, you know, do this? Do you want to do that? It didn't matter. The overwhelming theme at that period in my life, and I said, going back to 2015, and into 2016, was that my home was my safe harbour. And almost everything I did revolved around wanting to feel safe within my four walls, except for going out to these medical appointments that I had to frequently do in order to satisfy the insurance company, quite frankly. 

Vonne Solis  11:23  
So because I couldn't dream big, imagine big, you know, all I was concerned with was getting through each day, I tried to make myself feel as comfortable, and as relieved in everything I was doing. And in turn, it really helped me savour every moment. That, you know, sip of tea. I was just grateful for everything that was happening. And the fact that I was even in a position that I could be receiving money to actually be home in this healing period for me. So I was actually very grateful for my disability period, quite frankly. It taught me a lot. 

Vonne Solis  12:06  
So the more that you bring a practice of relief into your life, the more you are going to trust yourself that you can make bigger decisions. It basically clears your mind. Feeling relieved clears your mind. Think about the last time or and if and if this really hasn't happened for you, just imagine this for a moment. Say you're really worried about something. Pick, pick something that you last worried about, or you are worried about today. And imagine, think about a solution. Because we can all imagine solutions, if we think about them, that would bring you the greatest relief. And just sit with what that would feel like. 

Vonne Solis  12:51  
Now the problem with this is that a lot of people and myself previously included, when I was faced with a problem and living with PTSD is all about a game of survival. Day in day out 24/7. Your mind is always in survival mode. So you're bound to see problems. Anything that is challenging you. Causing you discomfort, despair, unpleasantness, distress, you're in survival mode. So pushing away, when we when we can't see what we think, is the only solution or outcome to take away that pain, because all of that stuff is pain, right? We don't feel it's possible to feel anything other than the pain. The distress, the unpleasantness, and the discomfort. 

Vonne Solis  13:50  
So imagining just for a moment, that you could actually create some form of relief for whatever's going on in that particular time and situation. You can, your brain can come up and your mind can come up with a solution and then feeling that. What that would bring you. What the relief would feel like in that moment. And it might even be resolving, you know, secondary issues related to this first initial worry or problem or discomfort. Sit with that. Sit with that. And trust yourself that you can find a solution. Even if it's a partial one to start with to start feeling relief. I'm not going to give examples here because there's just too many, but start with the smallest ones that you know you can switch something up that will be more relieving for you. Even if it's just sort of a bandaid effect to start with today. 

Vonne Solis  14:59  
In my case In in terms of the work, it was becoming increasingly more difficult for me to go out of the home and go work for somebody else. So I would put work accommodations in place. Year after year after year until, as I said, I reached that disability point which required a whole new level of trust in myself to go through a really major transformation. Just start with small stuff. It will bring you the ability, as I said earlier, to start making clearer choices for everything in your life that will feel like a relief for you. It will teach you how to be more decisive more quickly. And the more calm and the less obsessive and worried you are about anything in your life, as this transformation that you allow a practice of relief to to create in your life, the more in touch you become with who you really are. Your place of personal power. And the ability you have to create what you want in your life step by step. Even when you don't know how things are going to unfold. It doesn't matter. You trust. And that is the process of change. Knowing what to prioritize in your life, and when and why. And it's a practice I continue to this day. 

Vonne Solis  16:22  
Now in any good manifestation practice, and while this isn't totally based on a manifestation, practice, what I'm talking about today, finding relief, basically, it goes hand in hand. If you're looking for relief, you're manifesting some kind of change in your life. Even if it is just to feel calm, and stress-free. You know, free of stress, worry and anxiety and free of free of a problem. And that's manifesting change. 

Vonne Solis  16:47  
So staying in the flow is something you'd often hear. Ahh, stay in the flow. Let the universe deliver to you. Stay in the flow. Have your energy high vibration. High energy. Which all comes from positive emotions. Positive actions. Positive outlook, etc. But we can't always be like that. And we certainly can't always be like that when we are in major adversity and, you know, bereavement, which goes hand in hand, of course. Anything else. Any struggle. The last thing you want to want to really be telling yourself is, be positive. Be positive. Because trying to force yourself to think a certain way never works. 

Vonne Solis  17:27  
So what happens when you can't stay in the flow with this? Here are five tips. Just allow whatever you're trying to change in your life, to unfold in its own way and time. Focus on just feeling relieved, okay? The more you do have a manifestation practice, or just simply want to take charge of your life, the more that you'll change your life. So let things unfold in their own way and time. Number two, is take action as you feel nudged to. You know, The Universe, anything you believe in, nobody's going to throw opportunities and the whole package in your lap. You will get opportunities, but every one of them is going to require you to take action of some sort. So take it when you feel nudged. Even if you have to modify what type of action this is that you're going to take. It shows The Universe, it shows yourself, that you are willing. You are a willing participant in your life. And that's huge in manifesting change. Number three, remember to trust your heart, and gut. It will never steer you wrong. If you don't believe that, if you really think back to any situation. If you're making a decision, and something is nudging you that like feels totally wrong or even moderately wrong, sit and listen. You could even you know, wait a day or in some bigger decisions, a period of a week, 30 days, whatever it is, that period of time. But listen to what your gut and heart are telling you because your body will not lie to you when something isn't going to be the best choice for a better outcome. Number four is know the difference between ego-based desires and desires that are authentic. And while I'm not going to go into that here, the entirety of my online course, will teach you how to tell the difference between this. Because authentic choices will not steer you wrong, either. It goes hand in hand with heart and gut, but heart and gut take us to our authenticity. Ego does not. 

Vonne Solis  19:50  
And by the way, there's a lot of pressures in the world that force us, challenge us, influence us to make decisions based on what we think is expected of us. Either from within or from external, you know, situations, our relationships and so on. And if you really think about it, any decision you've made that has taken you or is taking you down a path that feels completely out of alignment with who you are, if you really admit it to yourself, you'll know that you knew it from a certain moment. Lastly, number five is when you are feeling challenged, be willing to get the lesson.

Vonne Solis  20:35  
It's key to remember that whenever you're feeling anxious, worried, you know obsessed with something, it is your mind and body's way of telling you that you are out of alignment. Now, not one of us, well, maybe there's someone out there, but I have yet to meet the person that can stay completely aligned every moment of every day. Things challenge us. Things stress us. Things worry us. And that's not the point. The point of this is not to never feel any of that. The point is to have the tools in your toolbox to be able to get yourself back to center and get yourself back as quickly as possible to that place where you feel calm, comfortable and safe. Relieved. 

Vonne Solis  21:30  
Your key takeaway in this lesson is all change stems from the predominant mindset that we're functioning from that influences what we are thinking, doing, and how we are behaving. And this is something you definitely have the power to change. Anytime.

Vonne Solis  21:51  
 I do invite anybody that does want to sign up for the course to check it out. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Until next time.