Ep. 74 Living with Disability and Loss and Finding the Will to Go On

Welcome to Soul Sisters! A 9-part series on the Grief Talk Podcast, where with my real-life sister Brenda, we offer thought-driven and inspiring topics for your soul!
 
In Part 4, we discuss the impact on our lives from both disability and loss after Brenda's Fibromyalgia diagnosis and prognosis in 1996, and the suicide of Vonne's daughter in 2005. And despite the ups and downs over the years, how we have found and continue to find the will to go on, despite the ups and downs.

This series is for anyone who is bereaved, struggling or wants to enhance their life with the help of angels, a spiritual practice and a deeper connection to your inner power.

TIMESTAMP:
Welcome (0:00)
Chronic pain and its impact on mental and emotional well-being. (0:13)
Fibromyalgia diagnosis and prognosis. (4:20)
Living with chronic illness and finding purpose. (9:42)
Embracing life after near-death experience and losing a child. (18:23)
Grief, spirituality, and finding purpose after loss. (23:42)
Grief, trauma, and healing after loss. (29:21)
Mental health support and medically assisted death. (37:56)
Embracing death and life's meaning. (43:34)
Mortality, spirituality, and working with angels. (49:27)

Connect with Brenda:
https://www.brendarachel4angels.com/

Brenda's book "Broken Spirit, Awakened Soul, My Journey of Healing with the Angels"
https://www.amazon.com/BROKEN-SPIRIT-AWAKENED-SOUL-Journey-ebook/dp/B0CBD3QLW8/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Brenda+Rachel+Broken+Spirit&qid=1701376272&sr=8-1

Connect with  Vonne:
https://vonnesolis.com/

Vonne's books:
https://vonnesolis.com/vonne-solis-books/
"Lessons in Surviving Suicide – A Letter to My Daughter"
"Divine Healing Transforming Pain into Personal Power – A Guide to Heal Pain From Child Loss, Suicide and Other Grief"
"The Power of Change"

Episode with Shari Otteman “Leaning Into Our Mortality – Why We Should Contemplate Death”

Audio:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2021182/13703249

YouTube:
https://youtu.be/rCpb4hrrupE

Want Coaching? Book your Pre-Coaching Zoom call with Vonne at the below link to find out more:
https://calendly.com/vonnesolis/one-on-one-coaching-with-vonne-solis
 

Subscribe to the podcast! Share your favourite episodes! Connect with Vonne on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Transcript

Vonne Solis  0:00  
Welcome to the Soul Sisters series where you'll get thought-driven inspiring topics for your soul. With Vonne Solis and Brenda Rachel.

Vonne Solis 0:13
Okay, so welcome to another episode of Soul Sisters. I am Vonne. I am Brenda. And together, we are the Saul Sisters! 

So welcome to Part 4 of this series. So last week in Part 3, we talked about exit points. We talked about close calls we have with actual experiences where we could have died. And we talked about coming from trauma and dysfunction, and how not to stay there. And then we started a little introduction on manifesting. 

And so today we're going to be talking about the contrast between living in pain of whatever type and basically not wanting to be on the planet. But the contrast with that, and having a spiritual life where everything is perfect and whole, and we don't need to suffer. So welcome to this episode. And let's get started sis. 

Brenda Rachel  1:18  
Okay.

Vonne Solis  1:19  
So I wanted to open up with this idea of we've both experienced pain. You've, you've, and, and so for anybody out there, I don't want to speak for you. But we kind of sort of touched in a couple episodes ago that you've come from a lot of physical pain.

Brenda Rachel  1:38  
Yes.

Vonne Solis  1:39  
Which you really document quite a lot in your book. Your most recent book. And I come from mostly pain in the bereavement in the loss of you know, the suicide with my daughter in 2005. So they're very different experiences. But what I thought was really interesting, as I was kind of thinking about today, was that in both physical pain, it brings you to mental and mental and emotional pain. And in mental and emotional pain it brings you to physical pain. 

Brenda Rachel  2:09  
Exactly. So I think the three I was just gonna say, I really think the three are connected. 

Vonne Solis  2:15  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  2:16  
I don't really, I believe that one precipitates the other. 

Vonne Solis  2:23  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  2:24  
Because our body and mind are connected. They're not disconnected from each other.

Vonne Solis  2:29  
I agree. 100%. So what I wanted to do is just talk a little bit about and share with the audience. Share with you audience, you come from history of fibro. So I'm gonna let you talk about that. And you can open it up. And, and, and then I'm going to talk just really high level, you know, about my loss of Janaya. And the point I want to make here is when we're dealing with long-term struggle, and mine was certainly, and has been very long term. And I'm not completely over it and I would wager you're gonna speak about that. Whether we're over it or not over it. Because we're dealing here with the contrast of what I was saying earlier. Sometimes, and you and I've had numerous conversations, haven't we? About struggle and suffering.

Brenda Rachel  3:12  
Yes. 

Vonne Solis  3:14  
And this idea of when it feels better to die than live. And I'm going to be getting to that as a separate little subject today. Because there's a lot I want to say about that. But I want to just say if you you know, ask if you want to open up and start with your sort of journey a little bit high level with Fibro. But essentially what I'm what I'm what I want to, you know, share with you audience, very few people get away pain-free in this life. And if you are struggling with well, I'll just say it. Not wanting to be here? Or not even knowing how you're going to get through whatever it is that is just tearing you down right now or has already torn you down and you can't get back up? Well, we want to offer you some inspiration. So let's open it up. And you start with how your physical struggles, if if you think they started with Fibro? And just what that impact sort of almost in chapters. Not what you did about but just overall impact. What it did to you physically, mentally and emotionally?

Brenda Rachel  4:20  
I started being very ill in 1994 and right through to 1996. 

Vonne Solis  4:26  
Right.

Brenda Rachel  4:26  
And so I wasn't diagnosed until 1996 with Fibro.

Vonne Solis  4:30  
Okay. 

Brenda Rachel  4:31  
I always thought that I had a very bad flu. But I would always be off work like for much longer than normal people would be off with a bad flu. And finally, I found this wonderful doctor who diagnosed me. He sent me to a rheumatologist who then did tests and we found out what it was. However, prior to this, or when I was looking back at my history of these these ill periods? I really had t since 79. 1979.

Vonne Solis  5:02  
How old were you in 79? Can't do the math. 

Brenda Rachel  5:04  
Okay. 53. So, 

Vonne Solis  5:06  
Whoo, I gave away her birthday. Oops.

Brenda Rachel  5:08  
No that's okay. No, that's okay. 53 to 79. So that's 20, 26. Actually 25. 

Vonne Solis  5:14  
Wow. 

Brenda Rachel  5:15  
Yeah. Because I'd be 26 in December.

Vonne Solis  5:18  
So wait, so you think you so you think you're, you know, you love fibro, symptoms of fibro in at 25?

Brenda Rachel  5:24  
Mmhmm. Yeah. 

Vonne Solis  5:26  
Wow.

Brenda Rachel  5:26  
Yeah. Because I and the reason being is because I would always always be much, much sicker than other people at my work. And I could never explain it. And I always thought my supervisors, in given in just my supervisors thought that I was just, you know, bucking the system kind of to take more time off. 

Vonne Solis  5:26  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  5:27  
When I was like, very deathly ill in bed. And and because there is no cure for it today right?

Vonne Solis  5:38  
Still.

Brenda Rachel  5:38  
Present day there's no cure for it. 

Vonne Solis  5:47  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  5:47  
So it was very hard to diagnose what I had and because the symptoms are so parallel to other things.

Vonne Solis  6:09  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  6:09  
Right? So anyways, because it affects nine areas of the body. 

Vonne Solis  6:12  
Oh.

Brenda Rachel  6:13  
And I had seven of the nine areas affected.

Vonne Solis  6:16  
So if somebody thinks that they have Fibro. Like if you think you might have like something like like Fibro, is there like more research on it today online? Like if you wanted to go and find stuff? Can you find out what these like nine body parts are and all that stuff?

Brenda Rachel  6:30  
Oh, yeah. They're called tender points. 

Vonne Solis  6:32  
Oh okay. 

Brenda Rachel  6:32  
Basically, you can just research fibromyalgia. 

Vonne Solis  6:36  
Right.

Brenda Rachel  6:36  
And it'll tell you exactly

Vonne Solis  6:38  
Okay.

Brenda Rachel  6:38  
What it is.

Vonne Solis  6:39  
What to look for. 

Brenda Rachel  6:40  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  6:40  
So fast forward, you get diagnosed. How old were you when you were diagnosed?

Brenda Rachel  6:44  
I was that was 96. So

Vonne Solis  6:47  
In your 40s? 

Brenda Rachel  6:48  
Yep. 

Vonne Solis  6:48  
About 50?

Brenda Rachel  6:50  
About 42. 

Vonne Solis  6:51  
Okay. So was that diagnosis, sort of a relief? 

Brenda Rachel  6:56  
No, it wasn't because the rheumatologist told me I'd likely end up in a wheelchair. And so I was 42. And that was what I was told in the appointment with her. And so from that moment, from that moment, my mind took me to the place that because I was alone.

Vonne Solis  7:14  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  7:14  
With you guys were, you know, my family 

Vonne Solis  7:16  
We were overseas right? 

Brenda Rachel  7:17  
Yeah. You guys were away. 

Vonne Solis  7:19  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  7:19  
And I was coping with everything by myself.

Vonne Solis  7:24  
Here's a question just for the audience. So 

Brenda Rachel  7:26  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  7:26  
You go right to the end. So Brenda's told you're going to end up in a wheelchair. Maybe somebody watching this or listening to this has been told the same thing or something similar but a horrible prognosis. 

Brenda Rachel  7:40  
Well, for me, because I was very, very active in rafting, and all kinds - hiking, rafting, outdoors. Ihad my dog walking. I was outdoors outdoors after you know, my work, work life. 

Vonne Solis  7:54  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  7:55  
Nature and being outside was like, part and parcel of who my my, my being was.

Vonne Solis  8:00  
Yeah. And just a fun fact. I'm at the coffee shop or you know, a nice lounge. Enjoying a nice drink enjoying a nice drink and a fireplace. 

Brenda Rachel  8:02  
Yeah. 

Vonne Solis  8:02  
Just had to throw that in. 

Brenda Rachel  8:04  
For me. Yeah. Inside outside. 

Vonne Solis  8:15  
Yeah. Yeah. So here's the thing. When when do you do you think that? How do I want to, it's just an opinion. I have no idea if people do this. But do you think it's natural to kind of go to that end prognosis and get stuck there? Like, like do you think so?

Brenda Rachel  8:33  
Well, absolutely. Because at that time, they in 1996, they had no cause and they had no cure. So right now they have no cure, but they have sort of defined what the causes are. 

Vonne Solis  8:45  
Right. 

Brenda Rachel  8:46  
And people can research that on 

Vonne Solis  8:47  
Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. But this, we're just talking about Brenda's situation here. 

Brenda Rachel  8:52  
My situation was so I'm here with a diagnosis that nobody can do anything for. 

Vonne Solis  8:58  
Wow. 

Brenda Rachel  8:58  
And nobody knows anything really about it. So

Vonne Solis  9:02  
So that will have impacted or should I just ask you? Did this impact um

Brenda Rachel  9:08  
Well, no, no. This didn't impact me with not wanting to be here anymore. 

Vonne Solis  9:12  
No, no, no, no. No. What I was going to actually say was did this impact you in immediately, like more severely physically? Like now that you have this like prognosis A diagnosis. A prognosis? Like, what do you how, like, how long did you struggle with that? Like, how many years. Like what did that do to you? 

Brenda Rachel  9:34  
Well, this was in this was in 1996. After after two years of extreme, extreme ill-health. 

Vonne Solis  9:41  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  9:42  
And then I finally found the new doctor who sent me to the rheumatologist. So this was at the end of my journey of finding out what all the years from 70, 1979 

Vonne Solis  9:54  
Right.

Brenda Rachel  9:54  
To 1996.

Vonne Solis  9:55  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  9:56  
Had been about.

Vonne Solis  9:57  
Oh okay.

Brenda Rachel  9:57  
So it wasn't like all of a sudden I'm given this information? And I can now deal with it. Now it was like, Okay, this is what's been happening to me in my life. And what's going on in my body. 

Vonne Solis  10:10  
Yep. 

Brenda Rachel  10:11  
And, you're going to end up in a wheelchair. Likely to end up in a wheelchair. And there's no cause and there's no cure. And so, or we don't know the cause at this juncture. This was in 96. And we, there is no cure. 

Vonne Solis  10:25  
So what are you, what are you going through like mentally and emotionally with this information? 

Brenda Rachel  10:29  
Well, I think what happened for me is somewhere in my psyche, and I'm not saying like, right up front. But I just didn't know how much longer I could continue with living like this. Because I knew I wasn't, I knew for me, I wasn't going to end up in a wheelchair. For me, and I have the highest highest regard for all of the people who are in wheelchairs.

Vonne Solis  10:58  
 Of course.

Brenda Rachel  10:59  
But I'm just saying for my own situation?

Vonne Solis  11:01  
 Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  11:02  
That to me seemed like it was going to be a sentence worse than death. 

Vonne Solis  11:07  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  11:07  
So for me. Because by myself, no support, no help. It was just

Vonne Solis  11:15  
yeah

Brenda Rachel  11:15  
I couldn't fathom it.

Vonne Solis  11:16  
It was a mountain you weren't gonna be able to climb literally, you know?

Brenda Rachel  11:21  
Yes. With no support system, and whatever. 

Vonne Solis  11:24  
Right. 

Brenda Rachel  11:24  
So anyway, what ended up happening and then also, simultaneously, what happened, was my health really, really declined. 

Vonne Solis  11:34  
Of course.

Brenda Rachel  11:35  
Because the emotional, the mind

Vonne Solis  11:37  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  11:37  
is feeding in to what it's been told. 

Vonne Solis  11:40  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  11:41  
And so the body is responding to the devastation

Vonne Solis  11:45  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  11:45  
of the emotional trauma of hearing this news. And so my body is just totally breaking down. And so

Vonne Solis  11:54  
So how many years did you go with the body breaking down before and again, we're just audience staying kind of high level right now. Brenda does document this in her book. Very detailed. And you break it down beautifully into chapters. If you want to remind them, what's the name of your book again?

Brenda Rachel  12:14  
Sure. My book is called Broken Spirit Awakened Soul, My Journey of Healing With the Angels.

Vonne Solis  12:20  
And we're going to have a link to that below. And the work I do also. But I wanted to say I did read it. And I actually learned a lot about you. This one sister actually reading her sister's book, and I loved it. And that's actually what kickstarted this whole Soul Sisters series. We've been talking about it, but it was like, once I read that, I went, Wow. We have so many experiences that are so similar, but they come from, you know, we come from just such polar opposite places. That's the reason we're doing this. We're also we're doing it as help for others. But we're also leaving it as a legacy for each other, which we think is really cool. 

Brenda Rachel  12:56  
Yeah, we do. 

We, we love each other so much.

Vonne Solis  12:59  
Because we talk a lot about when one or the other is gone. Of course, this one thinks she's going first. But you never know. But because I want to live to like 102.

Brenda Rachel  13:07  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  13:08  
She might be right. But anyway, what a beautiful gift that we're leaving each other. And so talking about these things are really important. Because the more I talk to people, I've told you this, right? Some of the really deep stuff, like I really want to talk about is with you. And you know, and really hash it out, which we do all the time.

Brenda Rachel  13:28  
Yeah. So I just want to interject here. 

Vonne Solis  13:31  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  13:31  
So from 94 to 96, I really just tried to do my best. I continued working and doing all this kind of stuff. But I finally went off on disability on in May of 1996.

Vonne Solis  13:50  
Was this after the diagnosis? So now you go on disability.

Brenda Rachel  13:54  
Because I needed to go on disability. Exactly. 

Vonne Solis  13:56  
Was that the start? You had several disabilities. Was that the start of your several disabilities n 96? 

Brenda Rachel  14:04  
Yes. 

Vonne Solis  14:05  
Okay. And again, Brenda documents a lot of that in her book. So, um so what I want to get at. So you're faced with this life sentence. Death sentence. You know, two different things, but kind of the same. And so, fast forward, what was the age that you had your turning point? Like your absolute turning point. I'm staying on the planet. So you go on all these disabilities from 1996 over a period of a number of years? 

Brenda Rachel  14:33  
Yeah. I had four altogether between then and 2016.

Vonne Solis  14:37  
And 2016. So that's 20 years. That's 20 years. 

Wow. 

Brenda Rachel  14:44  
See I've never even looked at it? 

Vonne Solis  14:45  
Wow. 

Brenda Rachel  14:46  
It's just all

Vonne Solis  14:47  
What I'm trying to do is build chronologically. So during that 20 year period, what kept you going and motivating you when you still hadn't tapped into, like the purpose work that you're doing that really is a motivator rrom what 2016 n? 2015 on? 

Brenda Rachel  15:08  
Yeah. 

Vonne Solis  15:08  
What kept you going when you're just dealing with this in sort of the physical? 

Brenda Rachel  15:13  
Oh, okay. Well, that was my conscious suicide attempt And I didn't die. And so from that

Vonne Solis  15:19  
What year was that? 

Brenda Rachel  15:20  
96. 

Vonne Solis  15:21  
Oh that was that.

Brenda Rachel  15:23  
That wasn't because I had a purpose.

Vonne Solis  15:25  
No, no, I know. I know. I know.

Brenda Rachel  15:27  
It was just because

Vonne Solis  15:28  
That was the 

Brenda Rachel  15:29  
That was the turning point for me.

Vonne Solis  15:30  
 1996?

Brenda Rachel  15:30  
Yeah. 

Vonne Solis  15:30  
Okay. So you go on disability.

And I just, but I just want to let people know, so I didn't just get this prognosis and then say, I'm going to die. 

No, no, no.

Brenda Rachel  15:38  
 I'm going to kill myself. I actually went for help. Or, you know.

Vonne Solis  15:45  
Yeah, no, I know. So we're not going to talk in deep about that. But Brenda really details that again. And if you want to learn more about that, please get her book. It is it's just such an eye opener.

Brenda Rachel  15:57  
Yeah. I did, I did try to get help in two places through a crisis center, and a hospital. And help wasn't available for me. 

Vonne Solis  15:57  
And I just want to say, 2023, it's still a problem. We live in BC, and it is still a problem getting a referral for help. Getting the actual support. And so it's wonderful we have all this advocating, and you know, we're going to increase services and stuff. But they're are a lot of people and you might even be one of them struggling out there that yeah, right? And grief is very similar. Okay, there's some. Not saying there isn't. And kudos to every bit of support in our various areas that were looking for help. But it's still very, very limited here in Canada at least. I've talked to some American friends. And, you know, professional people, and they say the same thing. And I imagine it's around the world. 

What I'm trying to get at here is when you're in that space. So we know that you did have a suicide attempt, which we're not talking about today. But it was a turning point for you. So from that turning point in 1996, you're still not tapped in to all the beautiful work that you did discover several years later.

Brenda Rachel  17:11  
Right. 

Vonne Solis  17:11  
So so what kept you going? Because what I'm trying to get at here people is when we make a choice and go, Okay, I'm staying on the planet. And if you aren't even inclined and struggling with this, I don't want to be here. And it's not about attempting suicide. Nothing like that. It's just about being very, very sad, and distressed, and uncomfortable and regretful, and just all those and depressed, right? 

Brenda Rachel  17:43  
Well, it was none of those things. 

Vonne Solis  17:44  
Oh, but I'm but for me, it was. 

Brenda Rachel  17:46  
Oh for you, I'm (indecipherable). 

Vonne Solis  17:48  
No, but for me, and some people are going to be feeling like that. But if you're given this, you're going to end up in a wheelchair. You survive a suicide attempt, but then you still don't know why you're on the planet. And I'm assuming you didn't know that for several more years. And you're going to your job and you're doing the thing. Where do you get your motivation from? Where do you get that inspiration from to go and I don't even know if you were saying, I'm going to beat this. Or you were going, I'm just going to live with this until if and until I can't live with it anymore. Like what were you going through?

Brenda Rachel  18:23  
I, it was more for me to make the decision not to try to kill myself again. So that wasn't the first part of the, of the thought pattern that came into my mind. 

Vonne Solis  18:34  
Right.

Brenda Rachel  18:34  
It was just that I will never try, I promised the angels I would never try to kill myself again. Because I knew they had they had created the divine intervention for me to remain on the planet. So from that moment, till 20, 2004 when I was off with my feet, and then I got my first purpose work through them. 

Vonne Solis  18:58  
Oh okay.

Brenda Rachel  18:58  
My music.

Vonne Solis  18:59  
Okay. So that was about eight years later? 

Brenda Rachel  19:02  
2004. That eight year period. 

Vonne Solis  19:04  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  19:05  
It was not about oh, I want to be on this planet. It was like, I will not kill myself to leave the planet.

Vonne Solis  19:11  
Oh, okay. So you just sort of lived?

Brenda Rachel  19:14  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  19:14  
Went about your business?

Brenda Rachel  19:15  
Totally existed.

Vonne Solis  19:16  
And lived. Do you think you embraced life or you were just sort of in this indifferent, I don't know. Like, I don't I don't know. 

Brenda Rachel  19:22  
I totally embraced life because I was, I did, that's when I really really embraced all my paddling. 

Vonne Solis  19:30  
Yeah. Oh, really? 

Brenda Rachel  19:31  
I mean, I continued it, but in full force. 

Vonne Solis  19:34  
Wow. 

Brenda Rachel  19:34  
Yeah. So that's what gave me my motivation to be here. Was all my outdoor activities.

Right. Because you made a promise to yourself or anyone else but that there was divine intervention. I'm not meant to leave the planet.

Right.

Vonne Solis  19:41  
Did I get that right?

Brenda Rachel  19:47  
Well, not even so much I'm not meant to leave the planet. 

Vonne Solis  19:54  
I won't leave the planet purposely. 

Brenda Rachel  19:56  
Yeah. 

Vonne Solis  19:57  
Interesting. Interesting. 

Brenda Rachel  20:00  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  20:00  
So for me a little bit high level, and I'll talk I'll speak to the bereavement part. Again, we're this is wrapped in the context of when you're living with a pain. Basically, I think all pain is pretty much the same at its root. I mean, it's it hurts. And it's making us suffer in some way. So losing my daughter Janaya, in 2005. Becoming a bereaved parent in July 2005. And my girl left me. You know, like, my girl, freakin' left me. And, um and um, I did have my son. And I love him completely and thoroughly and as much as I loved her. But it's different when you are like a mom, daughter. And even to this day, it's like super hard for me in a nail salon. You know, mom and daughter day. Well, I'm sorry. I respect all you moms and daughters. I'm super happy for you. But it's very hard for me still, certain situations. 

And so, but in the beginning of my bereavement, and I would say up until that point, I had lived a very purposeful life from the time I was 25. Because I was brought to, I wouldn't say my purpose, but I was absolutely brought to my knees, hence embraced a spiritual practice. You and I talked about this right? Way back in part one, when I thought I was going to lose her, ironically, when I was six months pregnant. And I'd only gained four pounds. And so I had gone for an ultrasound. And they told me at the hospital that she was just fine. But I better eat. And I was going through a breakup with her dad. And so you know, and you know, sometimes you are, you know, you think you're eating. I thought I was eating. I wasn't eating. And anyway, so the toll of that. And at the end of that pregnancy, when she was born, I'd only been 13 pounds.

Brenda Rachel  21:54  
Oh my goodness.

Vonne Solis  21:55  
Right. And so and so for me, she was my miracle. And she was, now I wasn't struggling with wanting to leave the planet, obviously, at this point. But she was the miracle for me, that was like, opening me up to wanting to be the best I could be. And then, and therefore, I knew I couldn't do that just on my own. So that's when I started getting into a spiritual practice, and continued it until she passed away at the age of 22. So 22 years later. And so I'd been in my spiritual practice at that point for 23 years. 

So those beginning hours, literally hours, days, weeks, because everything just slowed down. And it was such a grind. And I'm just being really honest here and acknowledging that for people because it can be like that. And to get me out of the darkness, you had gotten me into angels. They were my life saver. 

Brenda Rachel  22:54  
Yeah. Mine too.

Vonne Solis  22:55  
Oh my god. They were my lifesaver. So that's like 18 years ago. I got into angels 19 years ago, just, uh, eight months or so before she died. Yes, I could say transcended and into the afterlife. And I do often talk about that. But today I'm talking the hardcore physical loss. She's dead. Right? In physical.

Brenda Rachel  23:22  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  23:22  
I can't go clothes shopping with her, necessarily in the afterlife. So talking about that physical pain, where you just go, I can't I can't do this. That's where similar to your situation. like, death looks better than living.

Brenda Rachel  23:41  
Absolutely.

Vonne Solis  23:42  
So I struggled for a long time with that. Never, ever, ever, you know, entertaining the idea at all, I would take my own life. But because I didn't trust myself, let's just put it this way. I never went and asked for Valium from a doctor to get through those horrendous first few weeks and months. I did not do that. I obviously had something ingrained and inbuilt within me enough that I took care of myself to the best of my ability. So I think that my purpose at that time was definitely my son. You know, your nephew. He is my purpose. And I did the best I could, which was very limited for the first first sure year, maybe two. But his dad stepped in. We were married. So he you know was 24/7 he stepped in and sort of took over a lot of those responsibilities. But I think for me, a turning point was when we went to train as Angel Therapy practitioners with Doreen Virtue.

Brenda Rachel  24:52  
Yeah.

Vonne Solis  24:52  
And that fire ceremony we went through. Which we went through a fire ceremony. It was amazing. And you basically wrote, you know, you wrote what you wanted to release or what you wanted to intend in any way. You threw it in the, you know, wrapped around this rock and put it into this firepit that was through a ceremony. And it was really kind of cool. And I made a commitment then that I was going to once again, similar to when I was pregnant, be the best, or when she was born, I guess, be the best I could be me, for her. And that's what kept me going. 

So I think the point I want to make and you can speak to this is we need to find something to grab on to when something threatens to take us out. Whether it's loss or you know, some kind of physical, you know, illness, disease. Whatever is going to incapacitate us. And what I will say and I'd love you to say you know what you think about this too, for your own self. I'm just starting and you would probably know this, but I'm just starting in kind of like the last year, maybe even just the last few months. Because every time I try and put a timeline on it, I think, no, no, it didn't start back then. But the stronger I get, I'm starting to live for Me. Mot live just for my daughter. And some of you will understand what I'm saying there. It's like needing and wanting to be the best I can be? It switched from needing and wanting to do that for Janaya, largely so as not to tarnish her memory and make it wrong that she left. And if I allowed my life to be ruined by that what does that say about her choice? Which we're going to talk about in a little bit very brief very generally. 

And I just wanted to so so I just wanted to say your thoughts on that. Ask your thoughts on that. But also say when we reach that point, I think it's great, if we start out inspired and motivated. And I might not even say inspired at this point just motivated and it's not yet for us and coming from within us? It's something we can see just down ahead a little bit. A-okay. Because I'm a firm believer, if we keep to that road, one day, we will feel inspired and one day we will be doing it for us. What do you think? You agree?

Brenda Rachel  27:27  
Yes I do. And I guess in my situation, I just wanted to make sure that I let people know as part of my journey, I was always always involved in some kind of spiritual practice. So I've never not been. Whether it was a Christian church, or the Baha'i faith or non-denominational churches, or an Anglican church or whatever. I've always always even through my suicide attempt, et cetera, like I was never, I was never, I was always connected to spirit. And so for me, I never made wanting to leave the planet, like a sin or anything like that. Because I didn't believe that. I believed it was a choice for me to be here or not be here. And that was my choice. And that had nothing to do with whether or not spirit loved me, or I loved spirit or I can have any kind of relationship with an external God presence. Because I believe that that's I'm just at one all at all, at all times with my spiritual source. We're never disconnected. 

Vonne Solis  28:47  
Yeah. It's wonderful that you had that. And I think faith is really important. I've talked to a lot of bereaved parents, and people who have come from difficulty. And we all kind of circle back to we all had faith in something. Faith does not necessarily have to be God. Religion. Any anything that you know is coming from what we would traditionally connect faith to. It can come from just you know, faith. I know I need to wake up tomorrow morning and feed my fish. I have faced that I'm going to do that. And you know, and some of you may, you know, disagree with that. And that's okay. And some of you may ponder that a bit. But that's kind of how I had to look at it. Because when Janaya died, all that kind of stuff on too intricate, or even too too big a level? It was too much for me to consider. So all I could do was break up my day into three parts and just be, You're putting your feet on the floor and you're getting out of bed and then you're going to go and do this. And I guess I had faith in myself that I was going to do that. And here we are 18 years later. And that's why it feels kinda like when I try and put a timeline on, and I'm just thinking about this now, actually, you know how well I'm doing. And you know, how much more independent and how much stronger I'm feeling. Because I literally had to build myself from nothing. It feels like, I can't put a timeline on it, because I'm making so much progress, which might not feel like anything to someone else. But to me, it's huge. Like, it's huge. And so it's very hard to kind of gauge that. But I just know, every day, I feel in some way, a little bit stronger than I did the day before. And you know, okay, so there might be some days that are hard. But basically, I was saying the other day, you know, to myself and actually to another person. I am living a life that is very content, and, you know, every in every way that I want to be living it. And so I think that's a sign of faith in oneself. And also that whatever we trust in will deliver. Which kind of goes to the manifesting piece. Would you agree? 

Brenda Rachel  31:23  
Yes, absolutely. I'll just throw in here too, that so you and I are were both broken souls who had to build ourselves back up from scratch. 

Vonne Solis  31:31  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  31:32  
And each from a different place. 

Vonne Solis  31:35  
Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  31:36  
But we both had to rebuild ourselves. 

Vonne Solis  31:40  
And again, I'm acknowledging that Brenda lost her beautiful niece. She does have another beautiful niece. And we also have one nephew. But you know, that kind of grief doesn't really get talked about a lot. So it can become very difficult for siblings and even sisters when there is a loss because it you know, you do lose the sister that you had. 

Brenda Rachel  32:08  
Oh, absolutely. You and I have not really ever talked about my grief through losing Janaya. 

Vonne Solis  32:13  
No. And I'm not the right person to talk to you about it. 

Brenda Rachel  32:16  
Oh, no. And you said that many times.

Vonne Solis  32:18  
 Yeah. 

Brenda Rachel  32:18  
Told me that. No. And I understand that. But not forgetting I did lose a niece.

Vonne Solis  32:24  
Absolutely. And the reason I say I'm not the right person for Brenda to talk to is because the kind of support you need? You need to have it from someone who understands it. So you need to talk to other Auntie's. 

Brenda Rachel  32:35  
Yes. 

Vonne Solis  32:35  
And, as far as I'm aware, there's not a lot o support for that. 

Brenda Rachel  32:40  
Yeah. 

Vonne Solis  32:41  
Really, there's not. And I was just talking to somebody. And I was asking them if there was support for parents who lose their only child. And there isn't. Can you imagine? And so like, they need that too. So every type of grief, just like any illness. You know, if you've got Fibro? You're not going to go to a cancer support group. 

Brenda Rachel  33:07  
Right. Exactly. 

Vonne Solis  33:08  
Right? So grief needs to be broken down into exactly the type of support we offer for our various diseases, physical diseases. I did kind of skip over, but I just want to acknowledge, I did suffer a lot of physical ailments. Mine were not critical, but just like you? You know, having to be always on sick, sick and not recovering like other people would? I went through the exact same thing when I went back to work in 2009. I mean, really back to work. I did some odd jobs before that. But I went, I went back to work when I felt like, I guess I could kind of do that job. And because I had basically lost touch with my abilities, and did not understand I could do more than work at a gas station. All due respect to anyone that works in you know, cashier, gas stations, liquor stores. I loved selling the liquor, by the way, but I didn't, I wasn't drinking it. 

But you know, it was like, there was something repetitive about sliding the bottle through the scanner. But I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2014. So nine years later, and I understand that pattern was soothing. You know, it's kind of like you can comb your hair, brush your hair and you count the the strokes. They say that that's one way it soothes the trauma. Yeah. I'm just

Brenda Rachel  34:31  
I did not know that. 

Vonne Solis  34:32  
Yeah. And so I just loved sliding that those bottles through. And I could never understand that. I'm just kind of figuring that piece out now. Because I've long known that like counting or rhythm. So like a dance or drumming or just something like that can really, it does something. And anyway, it's it definitely works to soothe my, my brain. And I'm much much much much better. Once I understood and and had a diagnosis and yes, this is what I have, it took another four years for me to embrace that and understand it and then go, Okay, I'm going to manage this. And and it is something, I think an awful lot of bereaved people and suicide survivors and anybody else dealing with something like a traumatic death? I think it's missed a lot that people, the trauma piece of that. Some of whom, you know, develop PTSD. So that's my piece. But interesting, see the years of living with something not getting it diagnosed and getting it diagnosed, and then going, Okay, this makes sense now. All these years I've been acting a certain way. Makes sense. Right? Anyway, that's just a touch of what we could otherwise end up talking about.

So I just want to really give a nod really quickly here. We're talking about two more things today. I want to talk a little bit about the stigma of wanting to die. And the reason I want to talk about that is you actually mentioned it a little bit earlier that you you you know, sort of understood that dying was your part of everything and you know, didn't make a big deal of it in your head. But culturally, we do make a big deal of wanting to die. And so again, we are not talking here. We are no way, no way encouraging anybody, you know, to not want to be on the planet. What we're talking what we're doing here is trying to address if you do struggle, with what am I here for? Pretty sure a lot of us do that. What am I here for? And if we didn't, I think like, Okay, you must be really lucky. If you can just pop into this life and just be completely content without having anything super intentional. You know it, I think that there must be people that are like that, and the life is great. But when you start, you either have something happened to you, as we've been talking about today, that that takes you down. Or you are just someone who's you know, has a very enquiring mind. We are searching for more. 

And I do for me, I can see where people and I've spoken to people who are like empaths and that and they've and they've been they are greatly affected by world affairs and things like that. And it could be any number of things. It could be just something that you know, you struggle with, as what we would consider a difficult life experience. Like tough finances. You know, relationship breakup, divorce, things like that, that, you know, I think probably every single one of us for the most part, you know, experiences in one way or another. So, but so it's just really high level.

We're we're just talking really high level here about this, this fact that I'm going to say something I've been thinking about a lot and I want to get your opinion on it is your view on it is, you know, if we here in Canada, we are introducing MAID. More than likely it's going to pass. I think it's next March. That is medically assisted death for people. It's on the table to be approved. I don't know exactly where the proposed change to this MAID law is right now. It is designed to support people who are terminal right? And physically expecting a death to, you know, have assistance in their in their transition. And and so this change, if passed, that would allow then this same was it a service? Honestly, I don't even know. Is MAID a service? I don't know. But they're offering, they would be offering MAID to somebody who is challenged with mental emotional problems, and no longer wishes to be on the planet. You could apply for medically assisted death. 

In fact, we've had cases in Canada where people who were like disabled. Had a disability in one way or another. And it wasn't so much that they wanted to to die. It's that they felt they had no other choice because they weren't getting supported in any number of ways in their disability. Money for rent. You know, you know, a proper place to live that would support what they needed in their disability. Things like that. And it has actually happened where people have chosen MAID. It's been granted and they've fallen into these already kind of stricter guidelines. 

So I'm not talking about MAID but what I am you know, I've been telling myself since they are wanting to open it up to these mental emotional issues. And possibly even some for minors to apply for without parental consent. Which kind of worries me. But then I'm thinking to myself, Okay, then we are going to have a very, we're going to have to have a very different conversation about suicide. And you may not even want to say anything, and that's okay. I'm just thinking about this right now. 

So when we talk about not wanting to be on the planet, that is not the same as suicidal ideation in the way I'm talking about it. Not at all. It's coming from a more spiritual place, when we have this struggle to, you know, God, this world can be hard. I don't have that struggle. I did for about maybe three years. I don't maybe four. I don't know. I don't anymore. But I want to just recognize and acknowledge and honour the people that do have trouble. And part of the reason I think it's, it's just an even more difficult battle, is because they feel that they have no one to talk to about it, because it's so frowned upon. Right? And I'm not talking here either, I want to be really clear. I'm not talking about aiding and abetting anyone. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm just talking about for mental and emotional support here, I think it can be well, I'm going to ask you. What are your thoughts? Do you think it's like when you didn't want to be on the planet? Did you feel you had anyone you could talk to? 

Brenda Rachel  41:42  
Well, yes. I went to, I phoned the crisis center. The Friday night of the, I had already planned out when exactly I was going to do this. And so on the Fri, it was going to be on the Monday. The May long weekend, Monday. And so on the Friday night, I had been laying. Got home from work and just my plan and my normal routine was to look after my dog, and cat and then just lay on the floor and just writhe in pain until I went to bed. And so very seldom did I get up and make myself a meal or anything. And then the angels, not to my awareness at that time, told me to phone the crisis center because I thought I'll, I'll try to find some help here. And so anyway, I did phone the crisis center and the lady was so lovely to me and suggested I ask if I had a friend who I could go and stay with. So anyway, it's all in my book about what happened. And I followed her advice. And I did go to my friend's place who was two and a half hours away from me. We did go to emergency in the hospital and I was turned away because I didn't live in that area.

Vonne Solis  42:59  
Shocking. I'm just gonna say shocking, but they have their rules.

Brenda Rachel  43:03  
Yeah. But she knew exactly exactly what my plan was. 

Vonne Solis  43:08  
Wow.

Brenda Rachel  43:08  
Not the timeline, but that I was very, very suicidal. And, you know, I was turned away because I didn't live in that area. 

Vonne Solis  43:16  
So did you feel unsupported? 

Brenda Rachel  43:18  
Oh, at that time, it even more clar it even clarified even more, that there was no help. Because that was the first time I had reached out for help. 

Vonne Solis  43:30  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  43:30  
And then 

Vonne Solis  43:32  
You don't get it. Sorry, go to yeah.

Brenda Rachel  43:34  
So all I want to just say is about me and living and dying from my perspective is there are two facts. Two true things that I know for sure for me. I was born and I'm going to die. Okay, those two things are absolute fact. Nobody can dispute that. 

Vonne Solis  43:57  
Right.

Brenda Rachel  43:58  
And I think that, from my understanding and conversations with many, many people, that many people are afraid of death. And I think that if we embrace death, as and we talked about it. And we were had conversations about it, instead of like, like as we were saying in the beginning. We talk frequently about what's going to happen in our clans for when one of us goes. Especially me being on my own. And so having my family, you know, knowing my things things are going to be taken care of for you know, for me when I no longer live here. But what I want to say is that if we embraced the fact that we're going to die instead of being so deathly scared of it. Pardon the pun there but if you know

Vonne Solis  44:56  
I missed that. I must be asleep. 

Brenda Rachel  44:58  
No, no, no.

Vonne Solis  44:59  
Wake up for Soul Sisters. 

Brenda Rachel  45:00  
I just got it too. But anyway, it's just what, it's just what came out of my mouth is that we would not be afraid of the process. Because no matter how we look at it, we don't want to talk about it. We don't want to think about it. It's gonna happen, guys. Everybody on this planet is going to die. And so that, that is a fact. And, you know, there's nobody can dispute that. The one thing that I learned very, very early on was when I was 13, I wanted to always go to Australia. And that was my dream back, back when I was 13 for many, many, many, many years.

Vonne Solis  45:44  
I remember that.

I remember that. 

Brenda Rachel  45:46  
Yeah, yeah. And I did had to do a project for geography. And we got it, we were able to choose a country and I chose Australia. Anyway, as I was doing my research and learned through the years, I'm not sure if I believe it's the Aborigines. So please, please forgive me if I'm incorrect here. But that it is a group of people who live in the desert in Australia, that when it is their time to go, they choose the day and how they're going to go. Like they it's a ceremonial process. So they go to the place that they've chosen. And they, I guess, create their sacred space, and they just let their organs die. 

Vonne Solis  46:38  
Cool. 

Brenda Rachel  46:39  
And so it's, it's a very spiritual process. And I remember this from, you know, learning this from the age of 13. And so, I thought to myself, like if we were so in touch with our own bodies, that and we and our minds about when we knew it was the actual time that we wanted to leave this process. This, this earth. And design our own sort of death process.

Vonne Solis  47:05  
Yes.

Brenda Rachel  47:05  
You know, like sort of like a wedding we plan. We make all these great festival festivities, when we're planning weddings or a lot of people do. But make it a very and again, a lot of people do. I'm not, I'm not saying that people that there are people who don't, obviously. But make it a ceremonial thing. And that's what this was for the Aborigines. Or the tribes that did this. It was a ceremony. And everybody in the village joined in with the ceremony and and honouring this person's life, as they chose to leave the planet in earthly form. And so I never forgot that. And so to me, I don't, I absolutely embrace death. And I am not afraid to die. With me, it's only I'm not ready to die. So when I'm ready to die, I will absolutely be okay to die. Today, I'm not ready to die. And if it's not my time to go today, then I will not go today. But I already believe that that's destined anyway, and it will happen at the time that I have chosen. The appropriate time that I have chosen to leave. So what I would really encourage the human species that don't embrace death as much as they embrace life, you know, I think that it would just absolutely be paramount to changing a whole ream of things in how people go through life.

Vonne Solis  47:53  
I want to say two things. While you were talking. I'm smiling a little bit because I just finished editing an episode with a chaplain. I love her. And I should put a little note to that episode. But anyway, her name is Shari Ottoman, and it'll it'll be available under my guest interview episodes on YouTube, or in the audio form. But anyway, she's in her early 40s. And we were talking all about this. All about this. And as a chaplain, a hospice chaplain. Hospital Chaplain. Hospice Chaplain. And she's around - death is her life. She loves it. By the way. She's really excited by funerals. I love you, Shari if you're watching this. But anyway, you know, she confirmed this is a cultural thing. It's cultural around the world. And different cultures, I also did an episode on on death culture around the world but she reaffirmed that. That different cultures embrace the passing as its ritualistic, traditional, celebratory. However they want to do it but they do it as community. And therefore it's far less scary and lonely to think about one's passing. And Shari said that absolutely, we have been conditioned culturally, to basically go, ugh when you mention the word.

Brenda Rachel  48:46  
Exactly. 

Vonne Solis  48:47  
And so I wanted to just say that. But the other piece I wanted to say, while you were talking was, it just came to me. Maybe the angels is if if you're contemplating this whole thing about, well, I don't want to be here. But I don't know, you know, but you know, I certainly don't want to die. But I really don't want to be here. You're in the struggle. Shari called it the, you know, greatest tension for the human species, is to even consider our mortality. And then once we've considered our mortality, for most people, especially if they've got a good life, well they don't want it to end. There couldn't be the two. 

But while we're also addressing here, those that are struggling with their mortality and not wanting to be here, what can you do is ask yourself, right? Ask yourself if you're ready to go? That's what triggered me. You said, you just know you're not ready to go. Me either. And if not, why not? You're still here. So you're here for a reason. And this is very different. Again, acknowledging this is not not not talking about people who are struggling with mental disorders, such as suicidal ideation. That is a whole different ball of wax. 

But I had to accept, and I had to consider when my daughter took her life at the age of 22, and I'm telling you, folks, she was a wise soul, was she not? She was an old soul.

Brenda Rachel  51:46  
She was very much.

Vonne Solis  51:48  
I mean, holy crap. And a lot of bereaved parents say, they learn that when their child has died, their child was the teacher. Not the parents. So I do believe for a large segment, number of children who leave us? Their job is done. I was just talking with a bereaved parent about this. Their job is done. She felt the same losing her only child. If someone could feel that way about losing their only child, right? I'm okay thinking about that losing my one. But their job was done. And it forced me to not only consider my mortality, but the mortality of all my family, especially my remaining child, who's 31 and I still worry about him. But my struggle there is understanding if he goes before me, I have to accept it. Like I can't do anything about it.

And so if that's a tiny bit of a comfort for anyone struggling? Scared their child's gonna go? Scared their partner's gonna go? Scared, anybody's gonna go, but then you can't do anything about it. Because as we talked last episode, exit points? But also, it's great keeping it on the spiritual and, you know, sort of contemplating right? Theorizing? But when you actually are going through it, such as you had to experience it because of pain. I did because of bereavement. You know? It, it puts it in a very different light. And we, I had to work really hard inwardly, to really want to embrace this life authentically. Which meant staying here, right? So yeah, if you're not ready to go ask yourself why you aren't ready to go and it might put you in touch a little bit with your purpose.

Brenda Rachel  53:45  
Exactly, exactly.

Vonne Solis  53:48  
And a purpose can just be getting your feet on the floor. Okay, so Wow, that was a great conversation about that. And I did cover pretty much the points. Is there any last thing that you want to talk about before I give you a teaser about what we're talking about in Part 5?

Brenda Rachel  54:06  
No. I think I'm pretty complete. 

Vonne Solis  54:08  
You're pretty, pretty complete hey? Okay. Well, I'll give you a little bit of a teaser. Thanks for listening to us. We often you know, just just chat like this. And I'm really blessed that I do have you as a sister to be able to have these conversations with.

Brenda Rachel  54:25  
Vice versa dear.

Vonne Solis  54:25  
Yeah. Because for us that you know, each of us choosing a spiritual path. Choosing to entertain more than just the human experience in this world. You gotta talk about it and theorize a little bit and wonder and be curious and just well, what if? Instead of you know, you know, for me, I don't think I could have survived this in just this human like, but I was always very curious from a very young age as well. Just like you were. So we were meant to discover our higher consciousness. Tap into that higher consciousness, I guess I should say, at probably quite young ages. And I'm forever grateful for that. 

Brenda Rachel  55:07  
Me too. And the one thing I'll say too, about my sister and I, is through our differences, we have found our similarities. 

Vonne Solis  55:14  
Yeah.

Brenda Rachel  55:15  
You know.

Vonne Solis  55:15  
Some of them. 

Brenda Rachel  55:16  
It's just yeah, yeah

Vonne Solis  55:18  
kind of fun.

Brenda Rachel  55:19  
It's really 

Vonne Solis  55:19  
Glad to do it before we die. Okay, all right. I like to joke a little bit. Anyway, so, next week, next episode, I should say In Part 5, we're gonna be talking, Brenda was mentioning earlier that she rafted the rapids. And you paddled and paddled. And something that I picked up from your book is how, you know, you have the rafting paddle, and flip drill as an analogy for life. That's all I'm going to say. Paddle and a flip drill. We are going to be talking when it's time to stop at the river's edge, and why. And we're going to share with you a little bit about how we work with angels. Bring some angels into this and how you can work with them to or at least invite them into your life, even if it's just to a small degree. 

So thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Until next time, 

We are the Soul Sisters. See ya next time.