Ep. 66 Got Grief? The Top 10 Tips For Hassle Free Holidays!

As a bereaved mom with 18 years plus in my grief and Grief Coach, I'll take you through each of these tips and offer insights into how you can enjoy hassle free holidays every season and every year!

TIMESTAMP:
0:00   Welcome
0:15   Introduction
0:50   Tip 1 Remembering
3:40   Tip 2 Honouring You
4:55   Tip 3 Feelings
7:52   Tip 4 Be Gentle
8:28   Tip 5 Traditions
9:42   Tip 6 Say No!
13:01 Tip 7 Self-Care
15:55 Tip 8 Don't Force Your Feelings
18:39 Tip 9 Don't Compare
21:17 Tip 10 Share

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Transcript

Vonne Solis  0:00  
Hello. Welcome to another Grief Talk Coffee Chat episode. I'm your host, Vonne Solis.

So welcome to another Grief Talk solo episode. As we approach the holiday season, in fact, we are in the holiday season, and I released this episode just before Christmas and anything else that's coming up for holidays around the world. If you've got grief, I guarantee you, the holidays, could present some stress and tension and conflict for you. So in this episode, I just want to quickly run over the top 10 tips for hassle free holidays, if you've got grief. So let's dive right into it. 

So number one is to basically respect and honour your loved one who has gone. There's nothing more frustrating and actually painful than having a holiday approach. It actually could happen anytime throughout the year. Their anniversary of their death, their birthday, and so on. When families tend to just be quiet. Don't speak their loved ones names or you as the person in grief as well, in your own grief, you know, you are afraid to speak their name because no one gets you. Nobody else wants to talk about their grief, their loved one gone, but you really do. So it's a very, grief is a very isolating experience all around and absolutely magnified by any anniversary or holiday. 

And December is just holiday season. Holiday madness. Holiday craziness. In fact, we all know it starts sort of October, November, for the US Thanksgiving and all of that. So it almost feels like there are holidays, stat holidays almost every month that you just really can't avoid. So the difference in being able to remember and include your lost loved one, particularly if it's a child, your spouse, a sibling. Somebody that was really close to you and a member, a close member of your family, you know, it's just not possible to get through any family gathering. Any type of holiday, let alone just our regular days. But I'm focused on holidays here, trying to you know, sort of forget that they were once part of your family. 

So if you are lucky enough, I say lucky because I believe in this that our loved ones in the afterlife are around with us in spirit form in some way. I'm not suggesting you complete, you know, place a setting at the table for them, although some people probably do that. But a nod up and say hey, this one's for you. Cheers. A salute to them. You know, in some way include them. When I did my Christmas tree, which I no longer do, I always had an ornament with a picture of both of my children. And though I did not change the photo of them, it was the last Christmas that we spent together. And so it was a shot from that, they were both on my tree with angels hovering over both of them side by side. So when I looked at the Christmas tree, my daughter Janaya, who took her life in 2005. So she's been gone from our physical presence for 18 years now. She was always a part of, of the festivities in mind, and spirit. So, respect, honour, and talk about your loved one gone. 

So tip number two is really to honour and respect yourself. You are no longer who you once were. And there's going to be lots of different things about you now. Your feelings. It will change your relationships. Who you are now. What you want to do. What you can do. Your interests, your hobbies. Absolutely, everything about you may have changed since the loss of your loved one. Again, depending on the relationship you've had to whoever has died. In the case again of a child, hey, it rips your heart out. Case of a spouse, hey, probably rips your heart out. Siblings, you know, I can't really think of one close family member death even even a grandparent that a little piece of your heart doesn't feel sort of ripped out. Gone. And you do feel changed forever simply because the family dynamic has changed. So honour that about yourself. You are no longer who you were. And this is going to feel magnified during the holiday season. So give yourself a bit of grace when it comes to thinking about you should do. You used to do. You probably can do when absolutely none of those things are true anymore. 

So tip number three and kind of moving on right from that is embracing what you are feeling at every single moment. And holidays guaranteed, are going to bring up all kinds of emotions. And most of them are more than likely, especially in earlier grief, even maybe the first few years are going to be rooted in pain and sorrow and you know, even anger. Just missing everything that's painful about missing, who's no longer with you, in your family. And that's going to come out. It's going to be triggered in ways that are, you know, it's going to produce conflict, outbursts, anger, fights. You know, just disagreements. Just isolation. Feeling, you know, all sorts of disconnect from your other immediate family members. And it's not easy to get through.

We had many situations that I outlined in my book, Divine Healing, where, you know, I talk a lot about how this early anger arose year after year after year. And all my attempts to try and find something that would work for me personally, but that would impact our family. But most importantly, even to this day, 18 years later, it's our 19th Christmas without Janaya, I still don't know what I'm going to be hit with feelings wise. So I honour them. If I have an outburst, and I know I'm off balance. Something's feeling kind of crazy. It's early December. I will warn my spouse that hey, I'm not myself right now. Something's going on. Something's triggering me. 

So honour your feelings. If you feel a trigger. Someone's in the sight of your firing line. You want to cry on their shoulder, tell them what you're feeling. Just tell them even if you don't know what you're feeling. Oh, something's off. I'm just missing, you know, say the name of your loved one, so, so much. You will get through the moment. And then tell them what you need from them. If they don't say to you, Hey, how can I help? Just say what it is you need from them in that moment. It will pass. But the more you, you know, you bury those feelings and don't acknowledge that you're going through them because hey, you're supposed to be festive and happy and joyful because of all the energy like that that's going on around us in every single place we are. And where we look and who we speak to who hasn't been touched by grief. You know, that's a recipe to just bury the feelings. And all they are going to do is fester and get worse and every single holiday. So acknowledge them. Feel what you're feeling, and then understand they're going to go and they're going to go a lot faster when you feel supported. 

So tip number four is to just be gentle with yourself. And as you can with others. It's really that simple. So again, building on the feelings piece of it. So you're feeling it. Give yourself a pat on the back and go, Okay, you're allowed to feel that. Just be gentle with your approach to whatever you expect from yourself and probably others. We're kind of wired to expect things from others when we're caught in our own pain. Just be gentle. 

Tip number five is to toss traditions, unless of course, you really love them. So listen, I have talked to so many bereaved people over the years, and everyone finds their own way to really kind of incorporate the bigger holidays into their family once again, after it's been crushed, essentially. And how you do this. How you find your way to what works, you know, might just be a result of experimenting. And I'm telling you when something doesn't work and you don't like it, you might even just cringe and be seething inside, because it's feeling so triggering and painful for you. Then get through it as best you can and kind of go okay, I'm not doing that again. 

So experiment. Find what works for you. And even if it's piecing several little traditions together, you know, do it. Combine them all together and just see what works and keep doing that. And you know, what? If you don't want any traditions, and you just want to do whatever happens this year, just let it happen. I did that for a few years too. So be it. That's the way it's going to be. 

So tip number six is to say, no! There are so many people I have talked to over the years that felt pressure to go to Christmas parties. To host parties. To host dinners. To host family get togethers. People staying at their place. To go to friends places that they really don't want to go to, for, you know, get togethers, parties. You know, buy gifts. Like do things that other people have no idea, if you've got grief, how you really feel about it. You may not even know how you feel about it, until you're caught up in the cycle of what you used to do that used to be normal. And it can be friends and family that still think that you're up for this kind of entertaining, and socializing. And you're really not, but feel so guilty, saying no. You know? That you're letting them down. That, you know, you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling. That you should be in, you know, the holiday spirit. Christmas spirit. Whatever holiday you're celebrating, Ugh. And all you want to do is stay in bed and pull the covers over your head, you know. Cry maybe. Sleep. Tune it all out. Say, no! 

And when you do find yourself interested in an invitation, you know? Say yes, but I'll confirm with you the day of if that's okay with you. And I certainly would avoid, unless you're really, really committed to it and can take on this responsibility, I would avoid hosting and committing to a bunch of, you know, obligations to serve others, if it's really going to be too much for you. It also could be that certain holidays already do bring you comfort. And you actually do you find a lot of joy in preparing meals and entertaining and having extended family. Loads of family close by you. That may actually feel very, very supportive for you. 

In either scenario, when things do become too much for you. If you do get triggered by something, reach out. Ask for support from somebody who's closest to you, who you can trust who's around you. Certainly, again, it's like that feeling piece. Letting people know, this is starting to weigh on me a little bit. Because the minute stuff weighs, obligations weigh on us. It induces feelings of all of the stuff that leads to the conflict, the tension, the anger, the isolation, the poor me the poor, you. The fighting. The, all of that. You can nip it in the bud as soon as you start to feel a trigger that something doesn't feel right. I'm not enjoying this anymore. This doesn't feel like fun, or something I really feel like I want to be committed to. I need help. Reach out and ask for help. Share how you're feeling. Get the support, you know? Get someone else to do some of the jobs. Take care of you. 

So leading right into tip number seven, it is to practice self-care at the holidays. You know, it's grief is a grind. It weighs on us. All of the built up stuff over the years. The bereavement never leaves. The grief may. But the bereavement doesn't. We're bereaved. So thinking about for however long you have been in grief, right? However long you've been bereaved, it isn't just one holiday that things pile up. It's every day. 365. You know, that stuff piles on, on top of you know, stuff on top of stuff. And unless you practice self-care, of which part of that is for sure physical. Resting. You know, treating yourself to different things. You know, just indulging a little bit in what you love. Giving yourself permission to take time out. These sorts of things. 

We also need mental and emotional breaks for our spiritual soothing, you know? That part of us that, you know, has come here to experience this and we really don't like it. Whether you believe in spiritual, a spiritual practice. Have a spiritual practice or you're just living a physical existence, it doesn't matter. The fact is physically, a lot of this stuff that we have experienced that has been a traumatizing or very, very painful life event can become a burden for years and years and years and years unless we sort of tune in and understand how it's impacting us. So self-care for the mind, body, soul, and spirit is really, really important. 

And I encourage you to again, when those triggers are happening. A trigger could just be major fatigue, time out, time out. Stop, Get some help, you know. And if you can't find someone to do what you were going to do, leave it for another day. So that all ties into being, you know, very, very discerning about what obligations and responsibilities you take on the entire holiday season, and even even approaching holidays, to make sure you can bail. Get out of it, if you maybe offered something too fast. And then kind of go, what did I just do? And I've done that many, many times. So don't be afraid to, you know, as part of your self-care, to give yourself permission to change your mind about what you thought you could do and find on the day, or approaching the date, you can't. 

So tip number eight is not to force yourself to feel anything. Ohh, boy. If you've got grief, you'll know what I'm talking about. We're often in everyday life, having to put on masks to go out and do our jobs. You know, just interact in the mainstream. I just call it the mainstream, which is normal routine in any scenario. We allow ourselves very few moments where we can just be who we are in our grief. And they only really happen when we are alone. And I think that we're always trying to hide or you know, make ourselves less vulnerable with anybody that's around us. And that's natural. That's natural. 

So you know, just when you feel something, you feel something. But don't force yourself. So you'll hear a lot of things about find one thing to be joyful about. One thing to be grateful for. Or I should be feeling this or I should be feeling that. And I can't feel that. Then you beat yourself up for not feeling that and make yourself wrong. And then other people don't understand it. I've had many grievers say that they've had friends that just don't get why you're not over your, the loss of your kid You know, stuff like that. 

So even if you're aware that you're sucking it up, and putting on that mask to go out and face one more thing today, or whatever it is, you know? Holding back the tears. As long as you recognize for yourself, this is not the real me. And this is truly how I'm feeling inside, in your quieter, you know, alone moments, that's the part that you won't forget how you're feeling. And that's the part when you do decide, if you're not already doing inner work, that's very important to be targeting. All the other stuff is is sort of the superficial layer to what's really going on within you. 

So do not force yourself to feel anything, especially during the holidays when so much is demanded from us or at any other time throughout the year. Your grief is your grief and your feelings are your feelings. And you'll get to them to nurture them. And, you know, potentially get yourself on a healing path when you're ready if you're not already on it today. 

So tip number nine is don't compare yourself to anybody. And a lot of this expectation that we have to be someone, this does come from comparing ourselves to our former "me". You are not the former you if your loss has impacted you in a way that you are dealing with really complicated and prolonged grief. So don't compare your family and what your family is doing. Can do or wants to do to any of the neighbors or your friends or any other family members. It can be really difficult. I am telling you for the first many years in my grief, it was painful for me to see families shopping and excited to buy stuff for their living children and enjoying the holiday spirit in a way that I no longer could enjoy. My whole spirit had been crushed around the holidays. And my joy, whatever I could feel for it just absolutely vanished with the death of Janaya in 2005. And it had been my most favourite holiday.

There are still things I have found as a little family of three, that you can't help, and especially if you have children. Whether they're young, or if they're older, they still kind of cling to things that made them feel really happy and joyful at Christmas. And sometimes they want you, as a parent to still do that if you've lost, you know, one of your children. And so it's, it's, you know, there's a lot of moving pieces to making everyone sort of feel comfortable, content, and joyous through the holidays. And so one of the ways is, is checking in with everybody to see how everybody's feeling. Hey, does this work for you? What would you like to do. And without any comparison to what you used to do, or what you think you should be doing, or you could do, you know, as a family. Let it be okay, for what it is, each year, as you slowly move into, you know, something that works beautifully for all members. Work together as a team. It can be a lot of fun, and you know, you can come up with ideas for new ways to celebrate that you and your own, may never even have thought about. 

So the very last tip, tip 10, it is to share as much as you can, what you are feeling. As holidays approach, you start to see again, those triggers at work in yourself. Possibly a spouse. A partner, if you have one. Children, if you have children. Really kind of check in and go, Hey, what's going on? How are you feeling about this? With kids, you can make it kind of lighthearted, and you know, sort of age appropriate sort of conversation. Open ended questions. I recently had a therapist on and who worked with bereaved children. And she just said, the best thing to do is say, Tell me more, and just listen, let them get it out, and then let them go off and do what they need to do. And she says actually, kids grieve beautifully if we don't interfere with basically what they need to get out. 

Adult children? I'll check in with my adult son. He's 31. I still check in. Hey, how you doing? Everything, okay? He was actually first on board with this idea of making travel for Christmas, you know, a new and long standing tradition. Because it all, as I say, fits beautifully for our little family of three.

A little point about these former traditions and, you know, children hanging on. We were away last year, and eggs were very, very, very expensive and unavailable on Christmas Eve day when we went shopping to get them. And so I as a mom went, let's get some pancake mix just as a, you know, an alternative plan if we can't have our traditional egg breakfast. And that actually produced conflict in the grocery store. Had to have those eggs. Now fortunately, we were able to find a dozen at a different store, actually kind of by luck. And so, you know, we were able to stick to the traditional breakfast. But I'm just telling you even food as a tradition, can you know if you don't want to make it, you know. It's not available, whatever? That can cause a conflict. So the kids, I don't care how old they are, they're still our kids. And they do kind of expect things sometimes a certain way. 

So, share what you are feeling. What you want What you'd like, even if you can't afford it today, you know, put it on the list is something to consider for the future. And work together again as a team to make the holidays as comfortable, joyful, warm and loving. For not only you wherever you are, all are in your grief, but for the loved ones who are right there alongside with you. 

That's it for today. I wish you the warmest of the holiday season. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening.